Southwest Airlines has announced 19 dollar airfares. Here's a few things you can expect on a 19
dollar flight:
1) Flight often delayed while pilot looks for misplaced keys under front seat
2) Pesky and expensive safety checks eliminated
3) Festival seating!
4) Co-pilot wearing "I'm with stupid T-shirt"
5) Airline mechanics wearing propeller hats

Five signs you can tell that you have chosen the wrong airline:
1) Ground crew seen using pennies to check tire wear
2) Trendy desert-pastel paint job upon closer inspection turns out to be primer-yellow and  Bondo-pink
3) Man with oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty overalls turns out to be the pilot
4) Voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your hands and arms inside the aircraft while it is in
motion
5) Stewardess offers coffee, tea or Valium

Five more ways to tell if you've chosen a cheap airline:
1) Air sickness bags printed with the Lord's Prayer.
2) Suspicious-looking passenger in the next seat over is nevously counting down minutes.
3) Pilot asks if anyone on board has jumper cables with them.
4) A telephone with a really long cord attaches the flight crew with the control tower.
5) Navigator keeps asking: "are we there yet??"

The department of transportation says 0.78 percent of aviation workers tested positive for drugs.
I've always wondered why just minutes after take off they're breaking out the snacks.

Real bumper stickers:
* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
* BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
* I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
* So you're a feminist....Isn't that cute!
* I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
* I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
* Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
* Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
* WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* God must love stupid people, he made so many.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
* Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better..
* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
* 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Always remember, you're unique, just like everyone else.
*Ted Kennedy has killed more people with his car than I've killed with my gun.

English cars are some of the most incredible cars to drive when they're running great. Unfortunately
there's the other 364 days of the year.

Do you know why the English don't make computers? They can't get it to leak oil.

The SAT test for high school students has been revised. The new SAT, called SAT I, isn't all that
different from the old SAT. Here is an actual sample question: The odemeter of a new automobile
functions improperly and registers only 2 mile for every 3 miles driven. The odometer now indicates
48 miles. This means, ((read top to bottom))
a) you've driven 64 miles
b) you've driven 72 miles
c) you've just purchased a new Hundai

Motorists afraid of driving alone can put a dummy in the car. Safe T Man is 5-foot-10 and
resembles a 175-pound man, although its real weight is only 4 pounds. (A 175-pound man who
actually weighs four pounds, talk about a Jenny Craig success story!) (Actually, if I remember
correctly Al Gore worked his way through college as a Safe T Man.)

Only in California! The California Highway Patrol has released a new report that lists odd activities
of drivers. The report found people actually nursed babies, put in contact lenses, grommed the dog
and read books while driving. Here's a few other activities they may have missed:
1) Line dancing
2) Sheep sheering
3) Playing Hide-and-go-seek
4) Mulching
5) Removing delicate surgury

I recently took my driving test, I'll tell ya these tests are getting tougher! The entire back side was in
Spanish!

Five signs the cab you are in could be dangerous:
1) The driver is wearing prison clothes
2) The side of the cab has mutiple pedestrians crossed off
3) The cabbie has a picture of himself with Rick Mears
4) Speaks 7 languages fluently, none however English
5) The driver side airbag is already inflated

A recent article in USA Today said that used car prices are soaring! Buyers paid about 9 percent
more in may for a used car vs. a year ago. I have a hard time believing this, I took my beater down
to the car dealership and asked the the salesman what I can I get for my car? He said...."how about
a tow truck?"

A New York law, makes driving with 10 or more license suspensions a felony punishable by a 5000
dollar fine and 4 years in jail. (Only in New York can 10 driving license suspensions be a felony, and
9 license suspensions are no problem.)

A guy who really believes Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.

The Redneck's Guide to Computer Lingo
Log on: Making the woodstove hotter.
Log off: Don't add no more wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on that woodstove.
Download: Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
Mega Hertz: When yer not keerful gettin' that farwood downloaded.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from tryin' to carry too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thang whut splits the farwood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter tahm.
Prompt: Whut the mail ain't in the winter tahm.
Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside.
Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season.
Byte: Whut them dang flys do.
Chip: Munchies for the TV
Micro Chip: Whuts left in the munchies bag
Infrared: Whur the left over munchies go...Fred eats 'em.
Modem: Whatcha do to dem hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Ol' Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top: Whur the kitty sleeps.
Keyboard: Whur ya hang the dang keys.
Software: Them dang plastic forks and knives.
Mouse: That's whut eats the grain in the barn.
Main Frame: That whut holds up the barn ruf.
Port: Fancy flatlander wine.
Enter: Yankee fer c'mon in y'all.
Random Access Memory: When ya caint remember whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife
asks.

Great quote: Dick Cavett on the Information Superhighway "A highway? "It's long and boring and
50,000 people are killed on it every year."

A recent statistic in USA Today found that 73 percent of Americans think we have too many
lawyers. Which reminds me, if law school is so tough, how come we have so many lawyers?)

Five signs that Charles Manson has reformed himself:
1) Fellow inmates have stopped calling him "Crazy Chuck," now call "Weird Chuck"
2) Has new song on upcoming "Barry Manilow album
3) He's wearing loafers more often
4) No longer worships Devil, now worships "The Frugal Gourmet"
5) Never Misses an issue of "Family Circle"
A recent FBI report released Sunday found that crime is decreasing around the United States.

Here's four signs that crime is improving in the U.S.:
1) Gang members now car-pooling to drive-by shootings
2) Muggers now frquently using phrases like, "thank you" and "please"
3) More and more jittery bank robbers now switching to decaf
4) There's now a 5 day wait for criminals to buy stolen handguns

An herb called Raddix, used for thousands of years in China may hold promise in the treatment of
alcohol abuse. Because U.S. rules require animal testing first, the herb has been tested on hampters.
The herb has been successfull in cutting alcohol consumption on hampsters bred to prefer alcohol to
water. (Great, now if we can just get some of the Kennedy family to try some of this herb we'll be in
business.)

The Public Health Service has confirmed it is reviewing a government ban on medicinal use of
marijuana for various medical conditions. (Some pharmacists are sure to complain of new costs if
they have to sell marijauna. They'll need to buy black lights, flourecent posters and love beads for
their stores.)

Ten similarities between Elvis and Jesus:
1) Jesus blessed little children. Elvis dated them.
2) They're both referred to as The King.
3) Neither were actors.
4) Jesus sat on his throne. Elvis died on his.
5) Both are now on a first name basis.
6) Jesus passed out fish and bread. Elvis passed out.
7) Jesus lived in the Promised land. Elvis lived in Graceland.
8) Jesus provided food for thousands. Elvis ate for thousands.
9) Both liked to wear white clothes
10) Both were born in small towns and moved to big cities

Top 5 things Elvis would say if he were alive today:
1) Can I have some more gravy with this order of gravy?
2) Domino's can't deliver in 30 minutes or less? I'll sue!
3) She married who?
4) Thank you, thank you very much!
5) I had to come back from the after-life, this polyester is really strating to bind.

Five little known things about earthquakes in Los Angeles:
1) Madonna quite often thrown off the back of her lover
2)  Most are cuased by sudden movements by Roseanne
3) Angelino's are quick to call loved ones, their mother, their father, kids, agent
4) Gorcery stores run low on batteries, bottled water and Brie cheese
5) The most commonly herad phase is, "did you feel it?" "Was it good for you too?"

Here's today's quiz:  What is the most important unanswered question immediately following an
earthquake in los Angeles:
a) Is there another quake on the way?
b) Will it be larger than the first?
c) Who will star in the Earthquake 95 movie of the week docudrama?

In the past few years Southern California has lived through riots, drought, massive fires and a
devastating earthquake. (For those of you following along at home, they're now about half-way
through the book of Revelation.)

Top Five rejected Dominos pizza names:
1) "By-pass in a box"
2) "The Herniator"
3) "Gee That's Way Too Much Pizza"
4) "The Vominator"
5) "Little Seisure Special"

(Some sad news from the snack world today. "Mr. Salty" fell to the ground after suffering a major
heart attack. Doctors said, "this guy had way too much sodium in his diet.")

Five dark secrets of the Pilsbury Doughboy:
1) Once took an Uzi to a guy who called him the Pillsbury "Pudge" boy
2) On his days off actually pays people to poke his stomach
3) Has a long held grudge agaist the Michelin Man
4) Figures he'll get more women when he becomes the Pillsbury DoughMan

Leno, on the Department of Agriculture allowing two pellets of rat fecal matter per two kilograms of
breakfast cereal: "Do you know what the technical name for grain and fecal matter in food is? A hot
dog."

Five dark secrets of the "Jolly Green Giant":
1) It's not easy being green, but is sure gets the babes
2) His sidekick, Sprout, actually a bio-engineering experiment gone bad
3) One day vows to kick the Pillsbury Doughboy's ass
4) Once he ate so much frozen broccoli he heaved for 2 days straight
5) Most days, he's much more jovial than he is jolly

The Agriculture Department is calling for school lunches to meet it's dietary guidelines. That means
cutting fat, and adding more fruits and vegetable. Here are the top 5 least popular school cafeteria
lunches:
1) Flaming white gristle
2) One-eyed chuck's meatball surprise
3) Minute pork
4) Dented chili can roulette
5) Deep fried venison

A recent statistic in USA Today found the ratio of McDonald's restaurants to people in the United
States is 27,397 to 1. (27,397 to 1? That's the exact same odds of President Clinton jogging past a
McDonald's and not stopping in for a couple of Quarter Pounders.)

Five least popular Ben and Jerry's flavors:
1) Janitor-in-a-Drum ripple
2) Cherry Garcia's Ashes n' Hash Columbian Surprise
3) Braughtwurst & Fudge Crunch
4) Obnoxious French Vanilla
5) Chocolate Advil Chunks

Five rejected new slogans for Florida:
1) "Don't talk to strangers, keep your doors locked, be aware of your surroundings, but most of all
have fun!"
2) "Florida, home of the rest in peace stop"
3) "People are just dying' to come here"
4) "Live long, perspire"
5) "Free car wash for all rental cars that have been dusted for prints"

The slogan, "Wisconsin: Go for it" was unveiled by state officials, who say they'll spend up to
350,000 dollars on advertising in Milwaukee, Chicago and Minneapolis. Some of the rejected
slogans:
1) "Help us get rid of all this cheese"
2) "Come for the extra large steer, stay for the really cheap beer"
3) "Laverne and Shirley no longer live here...we promise"
4) "Cows about coming to Wisconsin?"

Telemex, the big phone company in Mexico, has received a complaint from a woman about phone
calls she was charged for but never made. She was charged seven dollars and fifty cents for three
special calls to Jupiter. (Telemex is the Mexican phone company? See, you learn something
everyday. I always thought the Mexican phone company was "Taco Bell".)

Some Africanized killer bees have attacked small animals in Arizona and California.  Here's how you
can spot killer bees:
1) Participate in drive-by stingings
2) Have the ability to fly in the shape of a key and unlock doors
3) They wear little tiny masks
4) The only music they listen to is by Sting

Top 5 rejected State motto's:
1) Minnesota: "Why Not Try Our Extra-Crispy Buffalo Wings?"
2) Arkansas: "It's All in the Family!"
3) California: "It's a Riot!"
4) South Carolina: "Just call us, Baja Carolina."
5) New York: "Come for the Pizza, Stay for the Gunfire."

Top five gun show pick-up lines:
1) Is that a banana clip in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
2) You have the most beautiful UZI...is it naturally fully auto?
3) Well, you know what they say, it's not the size of the gun that matters, it's how you use it.
4) My sign? Taurus of course.
5) College graduate? Well, I've taken the gun repair course that Sally Struthers talks so much about.

A recent study found that many Chinese take-out dishes are loaded with fat and calories. For
example, one order of Kung pao chicken has as much fat as four McDonald's Quarter Pounders.
(Upon hearing this, President Clinton rejoiced. Now he can have 2 orders of Kung pao chicken a
day and not stray from his normal eating habits.) ((USA Today 9/1 1D))

The Coalition for Consumer Health has released a booklet identifying 10 hidden hazards that we
should watch out for. Here are a few hazards that didn't make the list, but probably should have:
1) Sizzler's "All You Can Eat Gristle Night"
2) Foreplay with Oprah
3) Yelling at gang members, "hey! keep the gunfire down, I'm trying to sleep"
4) Club Med Bosnia
5) Malt liquor & Bat Night at Yankee stadium

A recent study found that many Chinese take out dishes are loaded with fat and calories. The study
also found that most American's think Chinese food is healthier than traditional American food. (No
wonder I've gained so much weight, all this time I've been eating the wong food.)

Five signs that you've chosen a bad hospital:
1) Doctor shows you his camping photos with doctor Kevorkian
2) They let you charge your bill to a Sears card
3) The sign in front says 2 billion served
4) Blood tests include a tough written portion
5) Wild dogs roam the hallways

The American Heart Association now allows Its heart-and-torch symbol to be used on foods that
meet their approval. The symbol is used to educate and inform the public about eating healthy. They
should take this one step further. Have a special symbol for foods that are unhealthy. Maybe a
symbol of a guy down on his knees grabbing his chest.

Findings from a panel at the American Psychological Association show people can convince
themselves that foods are less appealing if they're high in fat. Or they can trick themselves into
pigging out without guilt if they prefer. I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want,
but you have to eat it with naked fat people.

New exercise guidelines have been announced by three health groups, it asks for everyone to
perform everyday tasks for shorter periods, as long as you accumulate 30 minutes of activity "on
most days". I've talked with my lawyer, he thinks he can get it reduced 15.

Did you know panhandlers in Memphis must now have a 10 dollar license to beg, and must tell the
truth in their begging stories. Breaking the new law will cost 50 bucks. (There is one exception to the
rule, homeless people don't have to tell true stories as long as it's to an imaginary person.)

A recent survey in USA Today showed how immigrants enter the United States. (Twenty-four
percent with relatives, 22 percent by employment, and 13 percent in the trunk of Ricardo
Montolban's Chrysler Cordoba.)

HOW TO WRITE....
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

"What's your sign?" and "Don't I know you from some where?" are still among the most popular
pick-up lines overheard by bartenders these days, according to 1,001 Great Pick-up Lines. "Are we
near and airport or is that my heart taking off?" and "I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest
woman on earth tonight" are a few more popular lines. Here's a list of pick-up lines that didn't make
the list:
1) "Are we near the airport or is that the smell of diesel fuel?"
2) "I'm fighting the urge to make you the most frightened woman on earth tonight"
3) "Haven't I seen you in the adult diaper section of the supermarket before?"
4) "Underneath those soft brown eyes, your beutiful blond hair, behind that shy facade, I'll bet there's
a caring young woman who would like to dress up in a clown outfit and spank me with a cheese
grater until 2am"
5) "I'd like to take you home with me....but first let's check in with my parole officier"

Things most often overheard in the parking lot of the local drug store:
1) Don't forget the plastic hangers, the ones with pleasure dots
2) Get the cheapest vodka you can, in the half-pint
3) Don't forget to say "hi" to June Allyson for me
4) Wait a minute I have coupon for that jar of Vaseline
5) I hope they don't look at the pictures they develop

Five words that sound dirty but aren't:
1) Dilsnick
2) pole
3) Winnebego
4) sphinx
5) willy

Five ordinary phrases or expressions that sound dirty but aren't:
1) "Gather 'round everybody, and watch me play my organ"
2) "Come taste our kosher dills"
3) "Dump the noodles into the strainer"
4) "All right, who let the cockatiel out of it's cage?"
5) "Go for it! Grab the pontoons Bill"

A recent study shows that married men handle stress better than single ones.  Of course! They're
used to it!  (Stan Kaplan)

"What's your sign?" and "Don't I know you from some where?" are still among the most popular
pick-up lines overheard by bartenders these days, according to 1,001 Great Pick-up Lines. "Are we
near and airport or is that my heart taking off?" and "I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest
woman on earth tonight" are a few more popular lines. Here's a list of pick-up lines that didn't make
the list:
1) "Are we near the airport or is that the smell of jet fuel?"
2) "I'm fighting the urge to make you the most frightened woman on earth tonight"
3) "Haven't I seen you in the adult diaper section of the supermarket before?"
4) "Underneath those soft brown eyes, your beutiful blond hair, behind that shy facade, I'll bet there's
a caring young woman who would like to dress up in a clown outfit and spank me with a cheese
grater until 2am"
5) "I'd like to take you home with me....but first let's check in with my parole officier"
Calvin Kein is coming out with a cologne for dysfunctional people - it's gonna be called,
"Obsession-Compulsion".  Pete McRae

A recent surevy from the folks who make Halequin Romance Novels asked 600 single men about
dating. Biggest date turn-off? When she makes goo-goo eyes at other guys. Some others:
1) When she demands payment up front
2) When she asks, "Will I need to bring my own spitoon?"
3) When she comments, that's a nice looking shirt, it'll be even nicer when it comes back in style
4) When half way through the date you realize she's making love to another man
5) When she talks endlessly about her jealous ex-boyfriend who's still in prison

Top 10 things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman:
10. I wish he wouldn't waste all that money on chocolate and flowers and buy something practical,
like an iron.
9. I can't wait for the play-offs!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold
any day!
5. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and  I'm happy for them both.
2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!
1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping  my husband company while I
go for a swim?

Top 10 things you'll never hear one guy say to another guy:
10. She'll never understand that sometimes I just want to cuddle.
9. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all that's the important thing.
8. I'm deeply offended by young women who go braless.
7. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commercials.
6. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with them!
5. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching a movie on Lifetime about
some woman who gives up her baby and then suffers miserably.
4. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous.
3. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth!
2. I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity Chablis?
1. Does my butt look fat in this?

THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE....

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is
one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a three ring circus:   engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

Why do married men gain weight while single men don't? A single man goes to the refrigerator, sees
nothing that he wants, and goes to bed. A married man goes to bed, sees nothing he wants, and goes
to the refrigerator.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied,
"I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending
less than his wife did.

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too.  But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and
drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled, "It really works!"

A man asked his new wife if she would have married him if he hadn't inherited all his money from his
dad.   She said, "Of course dear. I'd have married you no matter who you inherited the money
from."

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.... It only seems longer.

I haven't spoken to my wife for eighteen months.... I don't want to interrupt her!

A man is incomplete until he's married...then he's finished.

THINGS WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN.........

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't
ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "oh alright, I'll stay the night."

Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch
with.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a
"former boyfriend".

There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but
you could still use them.

WAYS TO REJECT PICK-UP LINES

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the STD Clinic."

2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3. Man: "Want to Dance?"

Woman: "No, thank you."

Man: "Don't thank me, thank G-d somebody asked you."

4. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too.

5. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "Female impersonator.

6. A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?"
She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

8. Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances at a girl who has just walked
by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue:
"He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistaken!"

9. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Money>

According to a survey by the William M. Mercer Inc. consulting firm, some people may see a bonus
instead of a raise next year. Here's 5 responses I received from my General Manager when I asked
for a bonus:

1) Ya I got your bonus...right, here!!!!

2) And you are?

3) Gus, tell me another bedtime story, pretty please? Pretty please?

4) Security...security...

5) Sure, and bring your dog around and I'll give him a bonus too. ((Groucho))

A recent article in our local business section says inflation is going down, it's now easier to afford the
things you can't buy.

Five signs that maybe your bank isn't on the level:

1) The bank president is Roger Clinton

2) All the bank tellers are wearing I'm with stupid T-shirts

3) When you open a new account, they give you a set of dishes that say, "Property of the Airport
Marriott"

4) When cashing a check, instead of dollars they give you handfuls of smooth pebbles

5) They give you personal check with the words "insufficient funds" pre-stamped on the front

Old people>

You Know You're Middle Aged When... by G. Gaynor McTigue

* You're older than your dentist.

* It takes you two tries to get up from the couch.

* A telephone rings on the TV and you think it's yours.

* 90% of your dreams are reruns.

* You no longer say no to the lobster bib.

* The only "Stones" you're interested in these days are Kidney and Gall.

* Your computer has more memory than you do.

* You bring lawn chairs to outdoor concerts.

* People warn you about shoveling snow.

* You go from being a do-it-yourselfer to a hire-someone-elser.

* You don't have bad hair days; you have bad hair years.

AGE HAPPENS....

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the
police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.
(M. Berle)

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley)

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the
more we feel our corns.

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee)

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the
night before.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news is that you are not a
hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

A recent statistic in USA Today showed what senior citizens do to modify their homes. It found 18
percent replace faucets, 23 percent add lighting, and nearly 95 percent cover all the furniture with
plastic.

Pets>

RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN....

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and
scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the
quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito
season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot
manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute.
When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare
foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to
do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle,
stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering".

The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then
picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across
the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often
reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.
Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks
in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual
activity), keep in mind the aim -- to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens,
pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the
paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human.
Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In
the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their
coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the
human putting off the greatest heat.  They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert
bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat May Be Planning To Kill You:

16. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

15. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.

14. He actually does have your tongue.

13. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.

12. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

11. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.

10. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

9. Droppings in the litter box spell out "REDRUM"

8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at
me?"

7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.

6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and
ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

2. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says: "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."

And the Number 1 Sign Your Cat May Be Planning To Kill You....

1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

A recent statistic in USA Today looked at how dogs react to strangers. It found that 70 percent are
friendly, 14 percent hostile, 13 percent aloof, and 3 percent neurotic. (Interestingly enough, only 2
percent were found mired in depression and filled with unrelenting self doubt.)

Politics

Five little known benefits of the North American Free Trade Agreement:

1) Pinata's, pinata's, pinata's

2) American National Curling League finally a reality

3) Discounts on Julio Iglasias albums and cassettes

4) Moosehead beer like there's no tomorrow

5) Let's just say this, back bacon: Breakfast, lunch, and dinner

The military now has a don't ask don't tell policy.  Ways to avoid suspicion

1) Don't ask a commanding officer if you can trade your drab cammoflauge uniform for something a
bit more "splashy"

2) While at the shooting range never yell "these guns scare me"!

3)Hide any copies of "Sweatin to the Oldies"

4)Try not to redecorate any of the barracks

5)Peel off your "kakki is tacky bumper sticker"

Postal workers>

The postal service hit a record 88% on-time record for first class mail. Postal workers also hit a
record 75% of everything they shot at. (Hecklers Online)

How to screw-up a job interview at the post office:

1) You greet your interviewer with a friendly, hello!....I think you have the

most beautiful eyes, I'd love to fill them with terror.

2) You list hobbies as bowling, golf, and staring at people until they panic

3) Your letter of recommendation is from a guy named "Chuck Manson"

4) Your resume' looks like a cut-and-paste ransom note

5) When asked by the interviewer where do you see yourself in 10 years you reply, "In the morning
or the afternoon?"

The postal service is working on a rate proposal that could raise the cost of a first class letter next
year. The post office blames the rising cost of business for the rate increase. (Higher costs for
gasoline, employees, bullets.)

Potpourri>

Very Short Books

1) A Guide to Arab Democracies

2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman

3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

4) Career Opportunities for History Majors

6) Detroit - A Travel Guide

7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"

8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

9) Easy UNIX

10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

11) Everything Men Know About Women

12) French Hospitality

13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years

14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel

15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers

17) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

18) Popular Lawyers

19) Staple Your Way to Success

20) Tasty Bile Recipes

21) The Amish Phone Book

The Five least popular housing tract names:

1) "Questa Scum"

2) "Brooklyn West"

3) "The Charles Keating Signature Collection"

4) "The Ghetto-Villa's"

5) "Hunker Downs"

Top five reasons I like working here:

1) Everyone here has caught "Pig-Latin Mania"!

2) Greco Roman wrestling at lunchtime

3) Don't have to wait a half hour after eating to go swiming

4) Boss falls for "pull my finger" gag everytime

5) No charge for the petting zoo

The Space Shuttle is on another mission (1/13/96).  Here's a few Space Shuttle bumper stickers:

1) "If this obiters rockin', don't bother knockin'"

2) Made in Japan

3) Astronauts do it in big, oxegenated, climate controlled suits

4) How about a little tang....if you know what I mean

5) Same ship, different day

(Mark Wheeler)

Five least popular Jeopardy! categories:

1) Tito Puente

2) Small rubber devices that cause pain

3) Food that smells odd

4) Famous Ice Capades accidents

5) Things that tend to bind

An article in USA Today listed 20 of the most popular current children's books. Here's a smaller list
of the "least" popular children's books:

1) 'I'm Barney! I'm Purple! It's a Living Hell!'

2) "Jack the Beanstalker"

3) "Miss Nelson is Missing. Looks like a Mob Hit"

4) "The Grouchy Ladybug Enters a 12 Step Program"

5) "Gingerbread Boy, meet Mr. Oven"

Top Five words that when said in order sound nasty but really aren't:

1) Hot Link

2) Jimbrownski

3) Package

4) Member

5) Johnson

6) Snickers

7) Sword

8) Jimmy

9) Varmit

10) Slinky

What Sam Donaldson will do after he reveals he's actually from outerspace:

1) Start Prime Time Live with the words "attention earthlings"

2) See if Diane Sawyer want's to score with someone who's "out-of-this-world"

3) Make a fortune selling secrets of Star Trek transporter

4) Hide bald spot with a space age polymer, light years ahead of anything on earth

5) Use secret powers to receive discounts at local adult book store

The President>

Hey kids! Here's today's Presidential Quiz: ((Read top to bottom))

Which is quicker?

a) A ray light traveling through outer space

b) The Japanese bullet train

c) The amount of time it takes President Clinton to spot the best looking babe at a press conference.

Which is more unpredictable?

a) The shifting winds of a hurricane

b) The San Andreas Fault

c) The actual number of "Big Mac's" President Clinton will consume in one sitting

Hillary Rodham Clinton has been ordered to mail any future  newly discovered  law firm records to
the Senate Whitewater committee, along with a stamped self addressed subpoena. (Jenny Church)

Hillary Clinton is getting to be the center of controversy concerning her role in the Whitewater
scandal...this kinda explains why she's changed her hairdo so many times in the last 3 years - she's
trying out disguises for when she has to go on the lam.  (Pete McRae-WQWK-State College, PA)

David Letterman, on Hillary Clinton's crafts talents: "She made a beautiful holiday wreath out of
shredded Whitewater documents."

David Letterman, on Bill Clinton's high favorability ratings: "He and his advisors are saying now that
if it gets to 60, he's gonna start dating again."

Douglas Mortenson, on Republicans agreeing to the president's troop deployment to Bosnia: "They
had one condition. The troops have to be back in time to help him move."

Steve Tatham, on President Clinton's speech in London: "He invoked Agent 007, introducing himself
as Duck, Lame Duck."

Charlie Reinke, on the President signing a bill to repeal the 55 m.p.h. speed limit: "He figures that
now the moving van will be able to shave five hours off the trip back to Arkansas in January, 1997."

Paul Ryan, on the University of North Carolina teaching students how to be sexually active while
staying technically abstinent: "All they have to do is watch Bill Clinton. He keeps acting more and
more like a Republican while technically staying a Democrat."

President Clinton has revealed his campaign promises for 1996.  Here they are:

1) Roger Clinton now Secretary of Defense

2) Has proposed adding the phrase "What you want is what you get at McDonald's today," to the
bill of rights

3) He pledged the economy is his number one priority. His number 2 priority will be landing a date
on MTV's Singled Out.

4) Free round drinks for everyone at participating "Hooter's" restaurants

5) "Radar Love" new national anthem

A recent  Esquire poll of 1,000 women ages 18-25 asked who would be "Hotter in bed," President
Clinton or Vice-President Gore. Twenty-six percent said Clinton, 67 percent said Gore. (Reached
for comment President Clinton said, "Are these women blond or brunette?....")

Hillary Clinton's pet names for Bill:

1) "Lard Boy"

2) "Commander McCheese"

3) "Mr. Hillary Clinton"

4) "Goober"

5) "Big Mac breath"

Did you hear about this? They're going to start carving two more faces into Mount
Rushmore...President Clinton.

Do you know what President Clinton says to Hillary when he wants to make love? ("Honey, I'll be
back in about an hour.")

Five bumper stickers seen on the back of Bob Dole's car:

1) Impeach Hillary!

2) Will Rodgers never met Bill Clinton

3) Socks for President

4) Don't blame me I voted for myself

5) Democrat in trunk

Ten places President Clinton shops for clothes:

1) Bob's Big Belt

2) Hat's Amore'

3) Fat Boy's Are Us

4) The Suit Summit

5) Don We Now Our Gray Apparel

6) Bubba's Big And Tall

7) Mr. Droopy Drawers

8) Chuck's Plus Sizes, Plus Two

9) Lefty's Pant's-O-Rama

10) Hat's My Boy!

Psychics:

Five signs that you're visiting a fake psychic:

1) When you're not looking, calls the Psychic Friends Network

2) Can predict lotto numbers for you after they've been announced

3) Asks Magic 8 Ball for advice

4) When you show her you palms she slaps you five

5) Has strange ability to predict tommorrows weather forecast

Sports>

Baseball feaver is sweeping the country. Here's a quiz. Which is bigger?

a) The lines at stadium bathrooms

b) The beer lines

c) The waistlines of the Philadelphia Phillies players

Obscure and little known boxing rules:

1) No postal workers, they're just to darn ornery and plum unpredictable

2) No pointing and laughing

3) No indian burns

4) Definately no skydivers

5) You must be prompt

The Super Bowl is a good reason for people to get together. A recent survey of potential Super
Bowl viewers indicates that threee out of four plan to watch the game in their own homes amid an
average gathering of 4.6 people. The poll also found that if given the opportunity towatch the Super
Bowl with anyone at all - family, friends, sports stars and celebrities - 53 percent said family comes
first. (Four point six people? I guess the "point six" is your brother-in-law.)

Here's a little superbowl tidbit. Super Bowl 5 in 1971, Baltimore vs. Dallas featured a record 11
turnovers. (And that was just John Madden at the pre-game continental breakfast.)

Statistics>

A recent article in USA Today found that 90 million people in the united states are illiterate. Twenty
five percent can't speak English. Here's a few key questions to determine if you are illiterate:

1) Do you own or manage a convienience store?

2) Was your life shattered when "The Duke of Hazzard" went off the air?

3) Are you from Arkansas?

4) Have you ever considered pro wrestling as a viable career option?

According to scientists,a seasonal hole in the Antarctic ozone layer may end up being bigger than
ever this year. The ozone filters cancer-causing ultraviolet sunlight; preliminary measurements show
deterioration is as bad or worse tha a year ago. (So kids! Dress for the rest of this week: A parka, a
muffler and a lead umbrella.)

A recent statistic in USA Today, showed the breeding cycle of mosquitos. It showed how one
female mosquito can reproduce in 2-week cycles. (Another statistic from the animal kingdom.....the
breeding cycle of Bruce Wills and Demi Moore.....9 Months, one day.)

Television>

Five rejected T.V. shows:

1) That's Not Oatmeal, That's Tile Caulking" (starring Wilford Brimley)

2) "Guess That Smell"

3) "Mas Loco Gringo's"

4) "Hell Bent for Sponge Like Objects"

T.V. Executives promised President Clinton they'd come up with a rating system for T.V. shows:

Soon, instead of having to watch the whole show, I'll know right up front if there's any nudity.  (Jay
Leno)

It's fairly simple.  Family entertainment will be labeled "G."  Gratuitous sex and violence will be
labeled "Fox."  (Alan Ray)

Five dark secrets of the Keebler elves:

1) They've stashed the bodies of the seven dwarfs in the treehouse freezer

2) Did a New Year's Eve drive-by at the Pillsbury Doughboy's house

3) "Elfin Loaves" contain more "Elfin" than loaf

4) Still can't explain disappearance of Grandpa Elf

5) Once, all the Elves got so drunk on cheap scotch they yuked until midnight

Talk of 500 channel cable systems are in the news again. The problem I have with a 500 channel
cable system is by the time you're done looking through the T.V. Guide for something to watch, the
show is already over.

Five rejected signoff's from the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather:

1) "Good night from New York! Home of the Devil himself!"

2) "...Wishing you a pleasant tommorrow, at which time a space pod will rendevous with me in New
Jersey and leave you earthlings to fend for yourselves."

3) "....I'm Dan Rather, your love god givin good god love!."

4) "..And remember, If this studio's rockin', don't bother knockin'"

5) "I'm Dan Rather hoping later tonight you experience a warm tingling sensation in your pants."

How Dan Rather plans to boost the sagging CBS ratings:

1) Free beer for neilsen families

2) Change the name of the CBS Evening News to ABC World News Tonight

3) Dan will read the news through a bullhorn

4) Special nightly report: "Why the NBC Nightly News sucks"

5) Have Dan fitted with "Sam Donaldson Latex Party Ears"

A study reported in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences shows DNA can be
delivered without complicated procedures. Modified DNA can help the body in many different
ways. (Messing with DNA is really nothing new. Scientist's first experimented with the technology in
the late 80s. I believe it's how the first cast of Baywatch was created.)

Terrorism>

Five little known facts about Yasser Arafat:

1) Towel on head great for picking up babes at the beach

2) Once had an imaginary friend named Pepe'

3) Almost no monthly shaving cream bill

4) Has secret Star Trek communicator under turban

5) Has rigged a bootleg satellite dish back home to pick up the "Playboy Channel"

Western intelligence agencies say a loose alliance of outlaw nations who sponsor terrorism is coming
together. The group includes Libya, Iraq, Iran, and Syria. However, Iraq and Iran are still bickering
over who will be the official sponsor of terrorism for the 1996 summer Olympics.

Terrrorist bumper stickers:

1) Same Shiite different day

2) Hostage in trunk

3) Lose Kuwait now ask me how

4) So many factions so little time

5) I'd rather be impaling

The FBI is looking into reports that deranged, wacko, extreme fundamentalist terrorists are at this
moment wandering the streets of New York City. Police say the big problem?....they blend in.

Until next time>

QUESTIONS, ALWAYS QUESTIONS....

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If G-d dropped acid, would he see people?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why

isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles
away?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as

ghosts but as mattresses?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? (that’s really sick)

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What do Bill Clinton and Dan Quayle have in common? Everything.

The Weather

How cold is it?  It's so cold:

Even Ted Kennedy won't go outside without pants. (Paul Ryan)

Richard Simmons was seen putting on a pair of long pants. (Bob Mills)

The only essential employee in Washington is one with a snow shovel. (Paul Ryan)

Also in the news: Paul Ryan, on the frigid East: "It's so cold that people are tuning in C-SPAN just to
get a blast of hot air."

Adds Jay Leno: "It was so cold, I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket."
 
 
 
 

TOP 10 REASONS WHY SLEEP IS BETTER THAN SEX !!!!!!!
  1)  YOU DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT DOING IT ALONE.
  2)  NO ONE WILL START RUMORS ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU SLEEP.
  3)  YOU WONT COMPLAIN IN THE MORNING ABOUT NOT GETTING ANY.
  4)  YOU DONT HAVE TO PAY FOR SLEEP.
  5)  YOU DON'T NEED TO SLEEP AFTER SLEEPING.
  6)  SLEEP CAN LAST A GOOD 10  HOURS.
  7)  YOU CAN SLEEP IN CHURCH.
  8)  WHILE SLEEPING YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE YOU WANT.
  9)  YOUR TEDDY BEAR NEVER COMPLAINS.
  10)  IT'S LEGAL TO SLEEP IN ANY POSITION IN ALL 50 STATES.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!". The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way is it headed?"

What does a seventy-year-old snatch smell like? Depends.

An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, orange...he's got got feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him He says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?" The old guy says, "Yeah. One time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

Dirty Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?" His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it. He says, "Whats wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

Burford sits down in a dentists's chair. The dentist says, "I have to drill." Burford says, "Go ahead, Doc.". The dentist says, "But you're holding my testicles." Burford says, "I know. And we're not going to hurt each other, are we?"

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"  The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "Bur-ger!", whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I think I've ever seen." The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common? They've each got about one chance in ten million of ever becoming a human being.

Dirty Johnny is playing with Loose Lisa, and he pulls down his pants. She points between his legs and says, "What's that?" He says, "I don't know. But my old man's got the same thing. I'll ask him tonight." That night, Johnny waits for his father to come out of the shower. Then he points between his father's legs and says, "All right, Pop. What's that?" Johnny's father says, "Son, it's a penis. In fact, it's a perfect penis." The next day, Lisa says, "Well, did you find out what it is?" Johnny says, "Yep. t's a penis. In fact, if it was two inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis."

Did you hear about the Polish girl who took her vibrator to the beach so she could shake and bake?

A golf nut says, "I wish I was a lesbian." His friend says, "Why's that?" He says, "So I could eat pussy and use the red tees."

A young couple gets caught parking. The cop says, "What do you think you're doing?" The guys says, "Officer, we're just necking." The cop says, "Yeah? Then you better put your neck back in your pants and get the hell out of here."

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy.

How do we know that O.J. would have been comfortable in jail? Because he's used to big black guys opening up holes for him.

What are the three biggest lies a cowboy tells?
. The truck is paid for.
. I quit drinking.
. I was only trying to help that sheep over the fence.

Why do women smile as they walk down the aisle? Because they know they've given their last blowjob.

A doctor prescribes a very powerful laxative for Mr. Johnson, one pill every four hours. Mr. Johnson goes home, gets confused, and takes four pills every hour. The next morning, his son yells,
Ma! Pop's in the bathroom dead!" She yells back, "I know. I'll call the undertaker as soon as he stops shitting."

Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms? For better traction in the mud

Oprah goes to the doctor with a sore throat. He says, "Take off all of your clothes, lie on your back on my table, and spread your legs as wide as you can." She says, "How will that help my sore throat?" He says, "It won't, but I want to see how my house will look painted black with pink shutters."

A guy gets on an elevator with a big, fat woman. He says, "Can I smell your snatch?" She says, "No." He says, "Then it must be your feet."

Why is a sheep better than a woman? A sheep doesn't care if you fuck her sister.

How do you paralyze a woman from the waist down? Marry her.

An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him upstairs with a hooker.  As he's fucking her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!" He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..." He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!" The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys. He slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right. The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana." The American says, "What does that mean?" He says, "Wrong hole."

How about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods? And didn't recognize him.

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his plane has taken off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom. He says to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a shit and then try to fuck that new blonde stewardess." The stewardess hears it, and as she goes running up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on, she trips on the rug and falls on her ass. A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a shit first."

After a long night of drinking, Burford wakes up with a terrible hangover, and realizes he's in a motel. As his eyes come into focus, he sees a very ugly girl sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him. She's got a face that could make a train take a dirt road. And she's looking at him longingly...she's in love.She looks him right in the eye and says, "What are we going to name it?" Burford picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties it in a knot, twirls it around, tosses it out the window, and says, "If he gets out of this one, we'll call him Houdini."

Why did it take so long for Lorena Bobbitt to throw the dick out of the window? She didn't have the balls.

An Eskimo's snowblower's on the blink, so he takes it get it fixed. The mechanic works on it a while, then he turns to the Eskimo and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The Eskimo says, "Nah, it's just snot."

Your wife is barking at the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door... Who do you let in? The dog... Because he stops barking after you let him in.

How do you make a woman scream twice? Fuck her up the ass and wipe your dick on her curtains.

Do you know what you call that shit that gets in a chick's underwear if she wears them too long? Clittylitter.

Why did the feminist cross the road? TO SUCK MY DICK!

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two.
One to screw in the bulb . . . and the other to SUCK MY DICK!

Why do gays wrap duck-tape around their hamsters? ... So they don't explode when they fuck 'em.

What's the difference between Christmas and sex? Christmas: It's better to receive than to give.

What do you get when you cross a putter and a dinosaur? Amega-saurass.

What is a Cleveland Steamer? It is when a guy is titty fucking a chick and he shits all over her stomach.

What is better than jerkin' off and blowin' your load all over some bitch? Having her shoot a wad on you.

What is fetching? It is when a guy cumms in a chicks asshole and then he sucks it out.

Why did the three bitches beat up Santa Claus? Because he said, "Ho, Ho, Ho".

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR A WOMAN TO HAVE AN ORGASM? WHO GIVES A SHIT.

What's the difference between a wheat-thin and a lesbian? One's a  snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.

Do you know the difference between a PIG and a DRUNK??? a PIG wouldn't stay up half the night to FUCK a DRUNK.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR ROOMATE IS GAY? HIS DICK TASTES LIKE SHIT

HOW DO YOU GET TO A WOMANS HEARTH? RIGHT THROUGH HER RIBE CAGE.

Dear Son: Please don't think that because I am smiling I am happy, because I am not! My poor Tom cat ran away last nite. The Vet told me to give him oil in his food, and all I had was castor oil. The last time I saw Tom, he was digging A HOLE with one paw and covering up with the other

What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a dinosaur? Lickalotapuss.

What is a woman? Life support system for a pussy.

Did you here the Florida Orange Growers Accos. offered OJ a $1,000,000 contract? Ya all he has to do is change his name to Snapple.

WHAT DID THE OLD MAN DO TO HIS WIFE WHEN SHE SAID GIVE ME 9" AND MAKE IT HURT? HE FUCKED HER 3 TIMES AND SLAPPED HER TWICE!

WHY DID HELEN KELLER WEAR HER PANTS TIGHT??? SO U COULD READ HER LIPS!! AND WHAT WAS HER FAVORITE COLOR???? CORDUROY!!!!!!!

WHY DID GOD GIVE WOMAN LEGS???? SO SHE WOULDN'T LEAVE A TRAIL LIKE A SNAIL!!!

WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF MASS CONFUSION? FATHER'S DAY IN HARLEM!

What does football and oral sex have in common? Whoever wins the coin toss elects to receive!

What is Moby Dick's father's name? Papa Boner!

A Black and a Mexican are in a car. Who is driving? THE COPS!

What is the difference between a nigger and a bicycle? A bicycle sings "Kumbya My Lord" when it is chained to the wall.

"Embargo" spelled backwards is- "O Grab Me"

Have you heard the new pickup line at the gay bars? Can I push in your stool?

What is the difference between a refrigerator and a woman? The fridge won't fart when you pull your meat out.

How do you get four fags on a bar stool? Turn it over.

What does a SINGLE woman and DOG SHIT have in common??? :The older they get the EASIER they are to pick up!

What's the difference between a BLONDE and a MOSQUITO? The MOSQUITO stops SUCKING when you slap it!

What does priest stand for? Paedophile Ring In Every Small Town!

Why is eating pussy better than eating mashed potatoes? mashed potatoes can't make it's own gravy.

Two gay guys just had sex. One went into the shower. Then gets out. The other one goes in. After coming out he said to the other gay, Why did you jerk off in the shower and didn't clean it up, he said I wasn't jerking off, I farted.

What do you call the useless flesh around a cunt? Woman.

How's a Mexican and a cue ball the same? The HARDER you hit 'em he more English you get out of them!

Why don't niggers like taking aspirin? 'Cuz you gotta pick cotton to get to it!

Why is aspirin white? Because it works!

How do you fix your dishwasher when it quits working? Kick her in the ass and tell her to get back to work

What did the one gerbil say to the other as they walked by the gay bar? You wanna go in and get shit-faced?

How did the two lesbians build their house? No studs, all tounge in groove.

How do you stop a black baby from bouncing on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling! How do you get him down? Call over all the Mexican kids and say it's a pinata party!!

How do you keep a nigger from coming in your back yard? Hang one in the front.

What do you call a nigger on crutches? Shit on a stick.

What is the tradgety of this story: A Cadillac with 6 niggers goes off a cliff and they all die? The fact that the Cadi holds 8 and it was a Cadillac.

Your mama is like a bowling ball: round, gets fingered all the time, gets thrown down the gutter and keeps coming back for more

I just found out there's 20 million battered women in this country. And to think I've been eating them raw all this time.

Know what the best thing was about the million man march? Only 20 guys missed work

Why do mountain skiers fuck the sheep on the edge off a kliff...?? They push back harder...!!!! Yeah..!!

HOW DO MEXICANS IN T.J. GET AMERICANS TO EAT THEIR FOOD?? THEY PUT OUT SIGNS THAT SAY "A MILLION FLIES CAN'T BE WRONG!"

WHAT DID THE BLACK BOY SAY SLIDING DOWN THE BLACK OF A ZEBRA? -NOW YOU SEE ME NOW YOU DON'T.

Why did God give women 2 holes? For when they get drunk, you can carry them home like a six pack.

What do you call a Paki with a bag of sugar on his head? Sweet Fuck ALL!!

How do you get a Paki woman pregnant? Cum in her shoe and let the flies do the rest!

What does an elephant use as a vibrator? An epileptic.

Why did God give mexicans noses? So they would have something to pick in the off-season.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic Team? Everyone that can run, jump, and swim are already in the US.

What do you call a fag in a sleeping bag? A fruit roll-up.

Why did God give human's the ability to have orgasms? So Pollocks know when to stop fucking.

Why don't mexicans have barbeques? The beans always fall through the grill.

What do elephants use for tampons? Answer:sheeps!!!!!!!!

Why did the pervert cross the road?-his dick was in the chicken

What is the difference between a terroist and a woman with pms. you can negociate with the terroist

If anything, what do you think the million man march accomplished? It made walking The streets of L.A. safe for a day.

Okay, here is my philosophy. If you had enough money to send half the niggers back to Africa, would you do it? I sure wouldn't, because if I had that much money, I would send all of the damm
niggers half way back to Africa and drop them off in the middle  of the Atlantic

Yo momma is so fat that she was baptized in Lake Erie.

Why does an elephant have four feet? A. Because eight inches isn't enough!!!

what do you call a closet full of lesbians? A licker cabinet!

Good line for anyone who may be interested in picking up a girl.

It works, Ever hear of 60 second sex? Got a minute !! HA HA

What is a Blonde 10? A chick that will suck and fuck all night then turn into a pizza and a six pack.

You know your mother is like a door handle, everybody get their turns!

How many male chovenistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?  None, the bitch better have it open when she brings it to me!

Why do Peurto Ricans paint their trash cans red and Yellow? So they can tell their kids they're going to McDonalds!

What do you get when you add 1,000,000 lesbians to the million man march? 2,000,000 people that don't do dick.

What do you call the trio of these three niggers: O.J.Simpson, Magic Johnson, and Mike Tyson? The butcher, The Laker, and the licence plate maker.

What did O.J.Simpson have to eat at his homecoming? Nicole cuts.

What do a screen door and a virgin have in common? The harder you slam them the looser they get.

What do you call a niger water skiing....Top Water JIG

What did one butt-ranger say to the other turd-hearder at the faggot bar? Would you like me to push your stool in for you????

Why is a women's crotch called a cunt? 'cause that's the sound it makes when you kick it!

How do you STOP 5 black guys from RAPING a white chick? Throw them a BASKETBALL!

How do you get a MEXICAN out of the POOL? Throw in a bar of SOAP!

How do you starve a nigger? Hide his foodstamps under his workboots

A month ago I found out I had a nigger in my family tree. The funny part is that when I went home this weekend, he was still hanging there.

What did one lesbien frog say to the other? I'll be damed we do taste like chicken

Why do women fart after they urinate? They can't shake it so they blow dry it!

What's the best thing about a blowjob? 10 minutes silence

What is the definition of a, bi-sexual in Montana? A person that fucks cows and sheep.

how many sailors does it take to screw in a light bulb? two-one o hold the light bulb and the other one to drink until the room starts to spin.

what do you get when you cross an Eskimo, a faggot, & a nigger? a snow blower that don't work

Why is Canadian beer like making love in a canoe? Because its fucking near water

How does a queer get on the 'Net - c:[enter] (C colon enter) How does O.J. get on the 'Net / \ (esc)(slash slashbackslash escape)

Why can blacks fuck all nite and whites can't? Cause whites have to get up and go to work in the morning.

What did the golfer want to be reincarnated as a lebian? He could still eat pussy, but he gets to hit off the red tees.

What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion? 99.999% of the time nothing, But when you do get anything -you get a piece of ass, that will make your eyes water!Nee

How long does it take a woman to cum? Who fucking cares!

Why do women skydivers have to wear condoms? So they don't whissle on the way down!

How are jello and women the same? They both wiggle when you eat them

What do you call three chinese, an italian and four blacks sitting on the lawn? A sprinkler system. (CHINK CHINK CHINK WOP NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA)

HOW DO YOU CIRCUMCISE A HILLBILLY? KICK HIS SISTER IN THE CHIN!!

Whats the difference between Love and Infactuation? Infacuation is when a girl gives you a blow job then lets you fuck her up the ass. Love is when she lets you fuck her up the ass and then gives you a bolw job.

How many male pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None let the bitch cook in the dark!!!!!

What do you get when you mix a queer with a highschool grad? A western graduate!

Why do cowboys prefer denim condoms ? They're Shink to fit..

What's a speed limit for sex? 68, at 69 u stop and eat.

Why are blacks eyes always red when they fuck? Mace

What's the difference between blonde and mosquito? Mosquito stop suckin when u hit it.

what do you call the skin between the pussy and the asshole ****  a chin rest

What do call a lesbian with fat fingers? WELL HUNG!

What do you call a pumpkin that's carved too early for Halloween? A premature ejacolantern.

What's green and smells like pork? A: Kermit's Finger

Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss after you eat.

Why do little Polish girls have fish in their underwear? So they can smell like big Polish girls.

WHAT'S THE HARDEST THING ABOUT EATING A VEGETABLE? PUTTING HER BACK INTO THE WHEELCHAIR

What's the worst thing about eating bald pussy? Putting the diaper back on!!!!

What is the first thing Lincoln said after he sobered up? I FREE'D WHO?

How can you tell when a balarina isn't wearing any underware?  WHEN SHE DOES THE SPILT SHE STICKS TO THE FLOOR

What were JFK's last words? How cute... firecrackers.

HELP WANTED: Small black man for mud flap. Must be flexible and willing to travel.

Why do cowboys wear those belts with their name on them? So the truckers know who they are fucking.

what do you call 100 heavily armed lesbians? militia etheridge

WHY DID GOD PUT A WOMAN'S PUSSY SO CLOSE TO HER ASSHOLE?-SO YOU COULD CARRY THEM LIKE A SIX PACK.

How does a West Virgina woman know when her daughter has had her first period? --- Her son's dick tastes different!

What's the best thing that ever came from Mexico?--An empty boat!

How does a Mexican count money? One.Two.another-one.another-one!

What's the difference between a black and a bucket of shit?--THE BUCKET!

Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Whats the definition of eternity? The time between when you cum and she leaves!!!!

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose???(FULL)

What do you call two niggers in a shoebox? A pair of loafers

Why don't you get blond niggers?How stupid d'you want them to be?

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.

Why does California have earthquakes and NY have niggers? California had first pick.

What is "69 + 69" ? A: A dinner for 4 persons

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2,but don't you wonder how they got in there ?

HOW MANY CHAUVINIST PIGS DOES IT TAKE TO BAKE A CAKE? NONE, BECAUSE COOKING IS WOMEN'S JOB.

What was the one thing missing from the million man march??? The auctioneer

What do you get when you cross a nigger with an octapus? An eight-row Cotton-picker

A lady hears that the local drug store now features a mind-reading druggist. She can't believe it. She goes down to the store, and there's a sign, right in the window, "Mind-reading druggist." She walks in, and the druggist says to her, "You're here for suppositories." She says, "Nope, I'm here for tampons." He says, "How much I miss by?"

For us married guys, that's about five years, and alot of begging Anal sex? Maybe while you're dating she'll let you go in that hole..But once you get married, you can forget anal sex. Her ass will close up like a Barbi Doll.

My wife Nancy actually went to the trouble of learning ventriloquism so her sphincter can personally tell me "no". I swear to God... I flip her over, her asshole says, "Go away."

A guy is fucking his wife in the ass for the first time. She says, "Ouch That hurts" He says "No, it doesn't. It feels great."

The reason for all this nonsense, ladies, is that guys just want in...and they want in everywhere...that's just how they are...A guy can have his dick in your ass, both balls in your twat, and all ten fingers in your mouth, and he'll still be looking for a place to put his foot.

A girl calls up her mother and says, "Ma, I met this Greek guy, and I'm in love with him, and I'm gonna marry him." Her mother says, "All right. You wanna marry a Greek guy, that's fine with me. But whatever you do, don't let him flip you over." About six months after they're married, they're lying in bed one night and her husband says, "Honey, why don't you turn over?" She says, "Oh, no. My mother told me never to turn over." He says, "What, don't you wanna have any kids?"

Anal sex... I mean, even dogs know where to draw the line... They sniff it, and they lick it, but they don't fuck it.

That's proof that God is a man...he put our assholes in the back so that when a guy has a girl naked and flipped over and is telling her that fucking her in the ass isn't going to hurt, he doesn't have to look her in the eye.

Besides, if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

Harry walks into work on Monday morning with a huge grin on his face. One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?" Harry says, "I went to Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand bucks." A week later, Harry walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone. One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?" Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this past weekend and I won ten grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Pakistani girl in Accounting out on a date." The next Monday morning, Harry is doing cartwheels down the hall. One of the co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?" Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. You know that Pakistani girl from Accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know, she's giving me the best blowjob I ever had." One of his co-workers says, "Man, are you frigging lucky."  Harry says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it...and I won another ten grand."

A horse walks into a bar.The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A new doctor is assigned to a mental patient and watches day after day as the guy puts his ear to the wall and listens. The doctor is very curious, so one day he decides to see what the guy is listening to.The doctor puts his ear up to the wall and listens. The doctor turns to the guy and says, "I don't hear anything." The guy says, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months."

Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob". She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a huge cock. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

What do a Polish submarine and a used condom have in common? They're both full of thick  worthless semen.

Beware big tits. Oh, they're great fun now, but after twenty years and three kids, you'll be able to make balloon animals with them."Forget sex, Gertie. Want me to make you a poodle?"

A kid says, "Pop, what's a vagina look like?" His father says, "Son, before sex, a vagina looks like a pink rose, with soft, lovely petals, and the aroma of perfume." The kid says, "What about after sex?" His father says, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

When I die, I want to go like my Grandfather...in his sleep. Not screaming like the other passengers in his car.

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, "Dear Mr.Burford...All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"

Norris walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a constant erection. At first it was fun, but then it became painful and embarrassing." While the doctor's examining him, a bug jumps off his dick and his boner goes right down. Norris says, "Gee, Doc, that's great. How much do I owe you?" The doctor says, "If I can find that bug, you don't owe me anything."

Why do nipples have all those little bumps around them? It's braille for "lick here".

Two bananas are laying by a river bank when a turd comes floating by. The turd looks over at the two bananas and says, "Come on in! The water feels great!" One banana turns to the other and says,
"Do you believe that shit?"

I saw a bumper sticker on a pickup the other day that read, "Jesus is my best friend".Boy, his dog must be pissed.

A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a Pet Store. The salesman says, "I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster." The guy says, "Nah." The salesman says, "But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out."

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?" The kid says, "A fucking swingset."Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?" The kid says, "A fucking sandbox for the side yard." Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?" The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a fucking trampoline in the front yard."Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head. His father says, "What's wrong, son?".The kid says, "Santa brought me a fucking dog, but I can't find him."

How are women like dog shit? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything." The doctor examines her, and then says, "You need an operation." She says, "On my vagina?" He says, "No. On your nose."

One night, Johnny walks past his mother's bedroom door, the door is open, and he sees his mother lying on her back, playing with herslf, saying "I need a man.I need a man." A few nights later, he walks past her bedroom, the door is open, and he sees a man on top of her. He runs into his room, jumps on his bed, pulls down his pants, and starts playing with himself, saying, "I need a bike.I need a bike"

A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything. The guy says, "How old are you?" Johnny says, "Six." The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?" Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid." The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?" Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

Why don't black people become astronauts? Because they don't like to say "Yes, NASA", "No, NASA".

A Jewish girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother says, "Oy, that's great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab." Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives." Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar." Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

What do lesbians cook for dinner? They don't cook...they eat out.

A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap...see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a queer." The hick says, "How can you tell?"The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."

Did you hear about the blind skunk? Fucked a piece of shit.

A guy's in a bar late, drunk, and leaves with an elderly old lady. They go to her place, get naked, and get in bed. He starts sucking like mad on one of her nipples, and a liquid comes out. He says, "Hey, aren't you a little old to be holding milk?" She says, "Yeah. But I ain't too old to have cancer."

What's the difference between an ironing board and a blonde? It's hard to get an ironing board's legs open.

How much hair is in a girl's lap? A box full.

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.

How is a pussy like a warm toilet seat? They both feel good, but you can't help wondering who was there before you.

Why did the husband stop having anal sex with his wife? Every night it was the same shit.

What's the definition of safe sex in West Virginia? Branding the sheep that kick.

What do you call a German proctologist? Hans Zinderhol.

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horseshit all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it." She says, "You want tomato sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Why can't Stevie Wonder read? Because he's black.

A hippie goes into a restaurant and orders a milkshake. He says, "Not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove." The cook hears it and gets a little annoyed, but sends out the  milk shake anyway. Then the hippie orders some fries...He says, "Not too crisp, not too soft, but in the groove, man, in the groove." Now the cook is really pissed off, but he makes the box of fries. Then the hippie orders a hamburger...He says, "Not too big, not too small, but in the groove, man, in the groove." The cook storms out to the guy, pulls down his pants, turns around and bends over, and says, "You can just kiss my ass, man...not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove, man, in the groove."

What's the difference between a clitoris and a remote control? A guy will keep looking for the remote control until he finds it.

A couple's in bed...The guy says, "How about it?" She says, "Not tonight, I have to go to the gynocologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh..." The guy thinks a second and says, "You're not going to the dentist, are you?"

How is a condom like a wife? When they're not on your dick, they're in your wallet.

Once was a guy named McSweeney, Whose wife was a terrible meaney... The hatch of her snatch, Had a catch that would latch... She could only be banged by Houdini.

Did you hear about the guy who's half Polish and half Mexican? He made a run for the border and forgot where he was going.

What do a condom and a woman have in common? They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick.
 

White House Internship Application

Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of
bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We
expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!

Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding
program? Check this out:

     Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!

     Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!

     See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!

     Get total access to many sensitive Presidential areas!

Sound like this is for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former White House intern:

     "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee,
     there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
     M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national
issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form, print it, and send it to the White House.

Name:

Hometown:

Sex: F__ Age:

Measurements: (required for medical purposes)

How many beers it takes to get you...

...Giggly:

...Drunk:

...Hot:

...To lie to a federal prosecutor:

Quick quiz:

You've always considered the White House:

a) a monument to democracy

b) the place where great leaders meet

c) vaguely erotic

d) extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):

a) model wife and mother

b) icon of late 20th century femininity

c) an obstacle

d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

You've always wanted to know more about the President's:

a) Israeli policies

b) childhood in Hope, Ark.

c) romper room

d) "monument to democracy"

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:

a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns

b) reading, study

c) late nights working at the White House

d) late nights working the White House

Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.

Scores of 16 can start tomorrow.

Uncle Sam wants you. Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be
interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.
 

Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off from work and decides to go out golfing.  He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.  He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."  The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."  He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.  Boom!  He hits 10 inches from the cup.  He is shocked.  He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing.  You must be a lucky frog, eh?"  The frog replies "Ribbit, Lucky Frog."  The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.  What do you think frog, the man asks?  "Ribbit three wood" the frog replies.  The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.  The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.  By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."   They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."  Upon approaching the roulette
 table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"  The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."  Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.  The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.  He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.  You've won me all this money, and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss me."  He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.  With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15 year old girl.  "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

RULES THAT GUYS WISH THAT GIRLS KNEW

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.
 
 

Clinton-licious.

Starr I Are
I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see-
Did you grope with Miss. Lewinsky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
I did not do that
Here or there-
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far-
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are!
Did you kiss her?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie
When called upon to testify?
I do not like you
Starr-you-are!
I think that you
Have gone too far!
I will not answer
Anymore-
Perhaps I will go
Start a war
 

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his norance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing and, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
 

Ten things that Piss me-off

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? DoI point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Shut up. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at frikken ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

7. The radio ad , "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you pulled me over.
 

Dear Earthling,

Hi! I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed

myself into this piece of paper. Right now I am having sex

with your fingers. I know you like it because you are

smiling. Please pass me on to someone else because I’m

really horny.

        Thanks!