A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the

ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare

into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her

what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and

shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a

piece of my mind." "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me

hold your monkey."

Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night.

He's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed and

immediately begins groping her. She says, "Charles, I

expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the

dinner table. "So he sits up, folds his hands on his lap

and says, "Is this better??" She replies, "Much!"

To which he replies:

"Okay. Now will you please pass the pussy??"

The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people and it cost

him dearly.

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun

threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without

an appointment into the president's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had

no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.

She frowned. "We want to see the president", the man said softly. "He'll be

busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied.

For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally

become discouraged and go away. They didn't. And the secretary grew

frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was

a chore she always regretted to do. "Maybe if they just see you for a few

minutes, they'll leave," she told him. And he signed in exasperation and

nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend

with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up

his outer office.

The president, sternfaced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The

lady told him, "We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved

Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally

killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him,

somewhere on campus". The president wasn't touched he was shocked. "Madam,"

he said gruffy, "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended

Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery".

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly, "We don't want to erect a statue. We

thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun

suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a

building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the

physical plant at Harvard".

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get

rid of them now.

And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs

to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.

The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto,

California where they established the University that bears their name, a

memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

PERFECTLY ANNOYING JOKES

1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

I wonder whcih one Bill Clinton feels like these days?

2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first

time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Ouch!

3. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow

isn't looking good either.

A week from Tuesday?

4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought

to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Quote on Dan Quayles resume...

5. My Reality Check bounced.

Been there done that. Been there done that. Been there done that.

6. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Hint, it's between the delete key and the any key.

7. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Must be a "married" woman. Perfect memory, lousy driver.

8. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a

suitable application of high explosives.

Refered to as going postal.

9. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

I feel like I am racing back and forth from one end of a teeter totter

and then back to the other, trying to never hit bottom or fall off.

10. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than

expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than

expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time

it takes. And a procrastinator can take forever, they spend all day planning on

how their gonna do it tomorrow.

11. If life were an exercise in futility. I would would be Mr Universe

12. I still miss my exhusband, but my aim is improving.

It must be duck season, all the men are holding their heads down low.

13. Stupidity got us into this messwhy can't it get us out?

Hilary asking Bill a direct question.

14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be

changed regularly and for the same reason.

AMEN!

15. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that

Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Did you know that BaddTeddy Joke of the Day was first founded by my

great great great Uncle Ben? He had this flash of brilliance while flying a

kite one night and...

16. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Map please!

17. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Decision is a lock on inflexibility

18. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

Tim Taylor on Home Improvement, or any man.

19. I don't get even, I get odder.

Gee, learn to tell a joke you putz...

20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Yesterday, I thought you were gonna be funny. Today you proved me

wrong

21. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

Ok two guesses, Republican or Democrat.

22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Meet the married man.

23. Life is an IQ test

Slob Boy is Dead

24. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Wanna trade?

25. I am having an out of money experience.

Welcome to Micro Economics.

26. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

What time is it?

27. Not afraid of heightsafraid of widths.

It musta been amatuer hour at the comedy club.

28. Practice safe eatingalways use condiments.

Rubber chicken, well done, lots of gravy

29. A day without sunshine is like night.

Wanna see something funny, go look in the mirror

30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Anybody seen my wallet?

31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.

Hey, this one has possibilities...

32. There's no need to fear falling it's the sudden stop at the bottom

th77777777at warrants the fear.

m So you're saying go ahead and jump, you'll worry about the consequences

later?

33. Birthdays are good for you the more you have the longer you live.

The best part of my job, is that it reminds me how happy I "should be"

at home

Wisdom Revisited

==========

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,

involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The

hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing;

3.feeding; and 4. mating. Psychology professor in neuropsychology

intro course

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years

and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some

of the worst movies in the history of the world. Dave Barry

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely

rearranging their prejudices. William James

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom

that is in itand stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down

on a hot stovelid. She will never sit down on a hot stovelid

againand that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold

one anymore. Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens, American Writer,

18351910)

Life in a vacuum sucks.

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your

triumphs or how tragic your defeatsapproximately one billion

Chinese couldn't care less.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a

mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn

from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent

disinclination to do so. Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not

important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me

so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.

Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a

woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of

the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't

believe?" Quentin Crisp

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT

were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their

class. Ninetyseven percent responded that they did.

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.

Unless we lose game five. Charles Barkley

Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three

sides."

Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea):

For best results:

Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm

iron.

For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blowdry on

roofrack.

It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so

ingenious.

Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.

Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered. Woody Allen

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant

intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average

adult. Sigmund Freud

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an

important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the

authorities. also From "Basic Sex Facts" by Matt Groening

========

The Man and the Condoms

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every

week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in

with the same order.

One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow!

You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on

earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I

find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

"So," the druggist asked, "then what do you do with all those

condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops

in little plastic bags."

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only

apes for company. Having no mate, he used suitably shaped holes in trees

for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary

figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan

vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.

Transfixed, she watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome

by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open

and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big

kick in the crotch. Racked with pain she screamed, "What the hell did you

do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels.

So which condom would you use....?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstone's Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a

woman.

Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody

did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: FingerLicking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.

General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!

AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.

Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?

Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.

MCI Condoms: For friends and family

Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.

Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.

United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX within four days of receiving

this letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the

world,

you must make ten copies and send them to others

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Why do you drive in parkways, yet park in driveways?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold

tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time

it is?

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?

Why do banks charge you a "nonsufficient funds fee" on money they already

know you don't have?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to see it, do the other

trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of

everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM

longer?

Isn't the best way to save face, to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

IF MEN & WOMEN SWAPPED GENITALS!!!!

Top 10 things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a pong pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes.... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without

sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on

video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too..... And the

NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina......

1. Finally find that damned Gspot!!

Top 10 things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistenly.

5. Find out what it would be like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may

seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it

looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs

between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes

two inches to be added to the final measurement.

And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with

a penis......

1. Repeat number 9.

Dear Technical Support:

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I ve been

having some problems lately.

I ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my

primary application,

and all the GirlFriend releases I ve tried have always conflicted with

it. I hear that

DrinkingBuddies won t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode

and the sound is

turned off. But I m embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn

the sound off.

I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems

to have a problem

coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some

sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I

might see better performance

from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I

consulted a friend who has

had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn t have

enough cache to run

GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run

properly. He was right as soon

as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I

installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the

bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me

a virus anyway. I had to

clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously

upgraded to

GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also

installed a virus protection

program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that

GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my

system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still

installed, but GirlFriend 4.0

has a feature I didn t know about that automatically senses the presence

of any other version of

GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the

immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some

problems. Like all versions

of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't

understand, much less reprogram.

Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel

rather than the desired

functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you

usually have to use goldplated

contacts. And I ve never liked how GirlFriend is totally

"objectoriented." A year ago, a friend of

mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which

is a Terminate and Stay Resident

version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires

within a year if you don t upgrade

to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to

Wife 1.0, which he describes as a

huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can t load

anything else. One of the primary

reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled

with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns

out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits

access to FreeSexPlus, particularly

the new PlugIns he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be

running on a well warmedup system

before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came

with MotherInLaw which has

an automatic popup feature he can t turn off. I told him to try

installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he

heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife

1.0 will delete MSMoney files before

doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won t install anyway

because of insufficient resources.

Please help me. Do you know where I can download the free AutoAssualt

plug in feature for my

software? I have heard that this will initialize my AutoExeucute files

at startup, and permenantly erase

my problems. I have also heard that AutoAssualt is a drastic solution

that usually causes further

system problems. (Is it true that I can avoid those problems with

DreamTeamWorks 1.1 by O.J. Industries?)

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

3. A room temperature IQ.

4. Got a full 6pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them

together.

5. Bright as Alaska in December.

6. Onecelled organisms outscore him on IQ tests.

7. Donated his body to science...before he was done using it.

8. Fell out of the family tree.

9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. He's so dense, light bends around him.

11. If brains were taxed, he'd get a refund.

12. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get back change.

13. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

14. It's hard to believe he beat the other 100,000 sperm.

15. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargled.

16. Takes him 1 ½ hours to watch 60 Minutes.

17. Was left on a tilta whirl too long as a baby.

18. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

19. His elevator does not go all the way to the top.

20. Lights are home, but nobody is home.

21. Does not have both oars in the water.

22. He has two brains... One is lost, and the other one is looking

for it.

23. He's depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

Allegedly, this is a genuine transcript of the new PABX answering

service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute:

"Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are Obsessive compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.

If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay

on

the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred

to

the Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will

tell you which number to press.

If you are a Manicdepressive, it doesn't matter which number you

press... noone will answer.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key

until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone

number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's

and

grandmother's maiden names.

If you have PostTraumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully

press 000.

If you have Bipolar Disorder, please leave a message after the

beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the

beep.

If you have ShortTerm Memory Loss, please try again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up.

All our operators are far too busy to talk to you, so fuck off.

Subject: orgin of pussy

**

**The Origin OF PUSSY

**Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

**created a pussy to their design.

**First was a butcher, with smart wit,

**using a knife, he gave it a slit,

**Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

**with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

**Third was a tailor, tall and thin,

**by using red velvet, he lined it within,

**Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,

**with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

**Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,

**threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

**Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,

**touched it and blessed it, and said it could

pee,

**Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,

**he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a

cunt.

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash, put a roast in the

oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gudness, it's

hot," she mused as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern

and thought, "Vy nodt?"

Helga sat at the bar, and the bartender asked her what she would have.

Helga said, "Yanno, it's so hot, I tink I'll haff myself a cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?

Helga, surprised, replied, "Vell fine,tanks. Undt how's your pecker??"

Lottery Fever

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it

and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20

million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million

today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want

it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest

during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If

you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar

back!"

When blue collar workers get together they often talk about football.

When middle management meet, they talk about tennis.

When top management meet they talk golf.

Conclusion: The higher you climb in the corporate ladder the smaller your

balls become.

There was a farmer sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day,

when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'

'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's

chicken wire I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'

'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the

end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in

his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer is sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes

walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'

'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape I'm fixin'

to catch me some ducks!'

'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.

'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road.

He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his

eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes

walking down the road carrying a stick.

'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'

'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.'

'Hang on,' the farmer says. 'I'll get my hat.'

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store

every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he

would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting

lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms in a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but

I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those

condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she

poops in little plastic bags."

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need

to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you

know, take it out on someone you DON'T know.

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I

had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely

saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to

Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that

anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and

called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I

hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my

desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!"

and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my

desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a

really bad day, I'd call him up.

He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me

up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a

real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.

Then one day I had and idea. I dialed his number, then heard his

voice,"Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the

telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with

our caller ID program?"

He went,"NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and

said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if

there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about

it. Just dial 8234863

Keep reading, it gets much better

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking

space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car

began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.

I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great,

I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come

flying up the parking ailse in the wrong direction and pulls into her

space.

I started honking my horn and yelling,"You can't just do that Buddy! I

was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked

toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of

jackasses in the world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back

window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another

place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just

gotten off the phone after calling 8234863 and yelling, "You're a

jackass!" (it's really easy now that I have him on speed dial)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my

desk and thought I'd better call this guy too.

After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I

said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes it is"

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the cars

parked right out front"

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen"

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings"

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes"

"Don, you're a jackass!"

And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's

number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better

for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two jackasses to call. Then,

after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it

just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely

saying,"Hello"

I yelled, "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said,"Yeah"

He said,"Stop calling me."

I said,"No."

He said,"What's your name pal?"

I said,"Don Hansen"

He said,"Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is

parked out front"

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers"

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2

He answered "Hello."

I said "Hello jackass"

He said "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass"

"Well here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" and I hung

up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at

1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon

as he got home.

Another quick call to channel 13 about the gang war going on down on W.

34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch

the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6

squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of

my life!

Names withheld to protect the guilty.

An American guy, a Polish guy, and a Chinese guy are sent into a never

before settled island. The American guy was told that he was in

charge of getting the food, the Polish guy was told that he was in

charge of housing, and the Chinese guy was told that he was in charge

of the supplies.

After a month a group was sent to the island to find out how the three

where doing. When they found the American they saw that he had

gathered up a huge pile of food. When they found the Pole they

found that he had made a house the size of a mansion. They then

started looking for the Chinese guy.

They looked and looked but they still couldn't find him. After a

couple days of searching they decided something must of happened to

him headed back to the plane. When they were about to board the plane,

the Chinese guy jumped out of the bushes and yelled,"SUPPLIES".

TRUE LIFE INCIDENTS?

******************************

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the

poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because

she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her

that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her

daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the

conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant

poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better

bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to

steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting

it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the

Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard

helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the

raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.

But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the

problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a

huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more

investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy

about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a

bucket at his feet, full of change.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He

stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In

the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling

up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was

cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of

cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. Now," she said, "if only I

could find my parakeet. "

****************************************************************

TOP FIVE REASONS MULDER AND SCULLY DON'T PIRATE SOFTWARE

1. Software piracy frowned upon even at the highest levels.

2. "Cloning" software is not something Cancer Man had in mind.

3. Pirated software likely to contain virus that will mutate

your computer.

4. Punishment for pirating software: Forced crossbreeding with

Aliens at Area 51.

5. You can't keep software piracy a secret. The truth is out

there at http://www.nopiracy.com

****************************************************************

Here's a list of summer camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:

Tommy Lee's

Camp Kickachick

Monica Lewinsky's

Camp Suckaweewee

President Clinton's

Camp Getahoochie

Ellen DeGeneres's

Camp Lickacoochie

Kenneth Star's

Camp Catchacrook

O.J. Simpson's

Camp Killachick

Lorena Bobbit's

Camp Cutaweewee

Tonya Harding's

Camp Clubaknee

Pamela Lee's

Camp Lottatatas

Michael Jackson's

Camp Wannabewhitey

BUREAUCRACY IN THE PLANET OF THE APES

======================================

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage,

hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it.

Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start

to climb towards the Banana.

2. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of

the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape

makes an attempt with the same resultall the apes

are sprayed with cold water.

3. Turn off the cold water.If,later, another ape tries

to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent

it even though no water sprays them.

4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a

new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the

stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he

tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and

replace it with a New one. The newcomer goes to the stairs

and is attacked.The previous Newcomer takes part in the

punishment with enthusiasm.

6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one.

The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.

Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they

were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are

participating in the beating of the newest ape.

7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes,

all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water

have been replaced.

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs.

Why not?

"BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."

BillyBob and JoeyJoe, two hillbillies are in town to do

some shopping.They go to a restaurant for a bite to eat and as they are

sitting there wolfing down their food, a woman at the table next to them

starts to choke on a fish bone. Immediately BillyBob hops up and drops his

pants and underpants and JoeyJoe jumps behind and starts running his tongue

up and down the cleft of BillyBob's arse. The choking woman seeing this

happening right in front of her is revolted and throws up fishbone and all

onto the restaurant floor. BillyBob, pulling back up his trousers, says to

JoeyJoe: "Wow, that hind lick maneuver works every time".

<< TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with

chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being

called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during

working hours without upsetting your coworkers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face

slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE BEER

17 beer

25 beer

35 vodka

48 double vodka

66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

17 My parents are away for the weekend.

25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.

48 My wife is away for the weekend.

66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

17 sex

25 sex

35 sex

48 sex

66 napping

DRUG

17 pot

25 coke

35 really good coke

48 power

66 coke, a limousine, the company jet

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "tongue"

25 "breakfast"

35 "She didn't set back my therapy."

48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."

66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 getting to third

25 airplane sex

35 menage a trois

48 taking the company public

66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

17 roaches

25 stonedout college roommate

35 Irish setter

48 children from his first marriage

66 Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED

17 25

25 35

35 48

48 66

66 17

IDEAL DATE

17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drivein

25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"

35 "Just come over."

48 "Just come over and cook."

66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers

25 White wine

35 Red wine

48 Dom Perignon

66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair

25 Need to wash and condition my hair

35 Need to color my hair

48 Need to have Francois color my hair

66 Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping

25 shopping

35 shopping

48 shopping

66 shopping

DRUG

17 shopping

25 shopping

35 shopping

48 shopping

66 shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "Burger King"

25 "Free meal"

35 "A diamond"

48 "A bigger diamond"

66 "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 tall, dark and handsome

25 tall, dark and handsome with money

35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

48 a man with hair

66 a man

HOUSE PET

17 Muffy the cat

25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat

35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat

48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 66

Retired

husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 17

25 25

35 35

48 48

66 66

IDEAL DATE

17 He offers to pay

25 He pays

35 He cooks breakfast the next morning

48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

66 He can chew breakfast

A doortodoor vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new

territory He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the

door,and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and

dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that

horse manure, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" the

Salesman says,"why do you ask?"

She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on

yet."

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.

When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet.

All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's.

The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry

out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes

on the line when one of the women says to Sophie,

"Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning,

I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg,

I know it's going to be a great day,

and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg,

I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if it is pointed up?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You

put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses

to

be

swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and

you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger

has

found

the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your

body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He

looks

deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him he's done

this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you

open

wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to

plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,

wanting

to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer,

going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges

throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood

as

he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's

too

painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head

and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill

but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few

frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he

pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He

looks at

you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that

you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first

time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

What were you thinkin'?

PERVERT I know what you were thinking!

A Penny!

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,

" Could I have a nice juicy Tbone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents," he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing

with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same thing that I'm doing to his business."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confessions

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she

needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex

before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex

with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem,

he's not married.

The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass.

The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go

in the back and take care of business.

When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver said, "Sister,

I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun

replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my

way to a costume party."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Noises!

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound

coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says,

"Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your

bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach

because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well,

that won't work!"

His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes

by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Golfing

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like

they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his

lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're

gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's

breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball

250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good

news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says,

"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold

your husband's penis. "The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes

a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and

swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?

Doughnut seeds!

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and

buys

a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the

door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She

opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with

grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No,

honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

There was three girls a brown head, a red head, and a blonde head. They

where

going to go on a hike in the desert and the brown head said she would take

some food if they got hungry, the red head said she would bring water if

they

got thirsty, and the blonde head said she'd bring a car door........so if

they

got hot she could roll down the window.

A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the

priest

interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and

talk

slower?"

Another blonde sent a post card home:

"Having a wonderful time....Where am I?"

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The

announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad

enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another

blonde

out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out

and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad

name. If

I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. She

proudly said," go ahead,ask me, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, W."

why do blondes were underwear ?

to keep there ankles warm

How do you know when a Blond has been using a computer?

There is WhiteOut on the screen.

There are two brunetts and three blondes. They're all drunk. The brunettes

are in the frunt seats and the blondes are in the back of the truck.

Suddenly

the truck goes of into the water below the bridge. The two brunettes quickly

open the doors and jump out of the truck. About a minute later the three

blondes come up out of the water gasping for air. One of the two brunettes

ask

the blondes what took them so long to come up? And one of the three blondes

answer her back "we couldnt get the tailgate open!"

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like

to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to

blondes," he

replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the

salesman

"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he

replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this

time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few

days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this

TV."

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How

do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is

approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be

going, it

looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it

becomes apparent that her breast *is* hanging out. When he gets face to face

with her he says, "Mam, are you aware I could cite you for indecent

exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned

about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the

matter?"

To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying

that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why

don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day

off

to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep

my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need

anything

just let me know."

Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he

looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!!

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

"No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister

and she said that her mom died too!!"

There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88,

88..." until a blonde came up to her and said, "that looks like fun, can I

try?" The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."

"Well,"

said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say

it in

the middle of the street" So the blonde said "OK" and stood in the middle of

the street. "88, 88, 88, 88" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely

flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89,

89, 89...

Trucker and Blonde

OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new,

candyapple

red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a

great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a doublewide home

and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To

get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate

him.

So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and

sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it

looks

like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she

decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully

making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees

her on

his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the

road.

The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a

circle

three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to

move

until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside

it.

The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50ounce Louisville

Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and

beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new,

candyapple

red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and

walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is

rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are

you

laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too

hard to

respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I

stepped out of the circle!"

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the

elevator,

there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the

letters,

"TGIF."

He smiled at her and replied, "SHIT." She looked at him, puzzled, and

said

"TGIF" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "SHIT."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and

said, as sweetly as possible, "TGIF" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical

expression,

"SHIT."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,

"TGI

F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "SHIT: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen?

That's the proper place to wash vegetables.

Q: What is a Blondes favorite nursary rhyme?

A: Hump me dump me

What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

A beautiful, welldressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a

crosscountry flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling

prettily at

admiring passengers seated around her.

Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm

sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first

class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New

York

to be a model.'

Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.

The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry,

Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.'

The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm

going to

New York to be a model' and shows no signs of moving.

Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal

with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and

observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.

Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into

the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets

up,

and moves quickly to the coach compartment.

Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm

impressed

... what did you say to her?'

The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class

cabin doesn't go to New York.'

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to

start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before

replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can

you tell us your height, please?'

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She

then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her

head.

She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!'

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And

uhh,

just to confirm for our records, your name please?'

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds,

mouthing

something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just

out of

curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out

your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were

you

doing when we asked you your name?'

'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy

birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

A man sees a blonde woman at the beach one day sporting a walkman and

headphones, but thinks nothing of it.

The next day, he sees the same blonde woman at the grocery store, still with

the walkman and headphones on. A little suprised, he goes on with his

shopping.

The next day was Sunday, and the man headed off to church. The man

arrived at

the church and found a seat just as the preacher was beginning the sermon.

Halfway through the sermon, the man looked over, and to his surprise, saw

the

same blonde woman. Even more shocking, she was STILL wearing the headphones!

The man was so curious as to why she was wearing the headphones, he jumped

up,

ran over to the woman, and ripped the headphones off her head. She

immediately

fell to the ground, clutching her throat. The man, horrified, picked up the

headphones to see what was playing in them. To his amasement, the same thing

was playing over and over again:

'Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...'

"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a man on the

street corner.

"Sure....it's three fifteen,"he replied with a smile.

"Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face."You know, it's the

weirdest thingI've been asking that question all day long, and each time I

get a different answer."

Why did the blonde jump over the glass wall?

To see what was on the other side

When her two pet bunnies died, the blonde was very upset, and so she would

always have something to remember them by, she took them to a taxedermist

and

asked that they both be stuffed.

"No problem," the taxedermist assured her. "And do you want them mounted?"

The blonde considered this for a minute. "No," she decided, "just holding

hands."

Q: Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed? A:

She wanted to know what she looked like when she was sleeping.

Two blonds were walking through the woods, when they came upon some tracks.

The first blond said "They're deer tracks."

The second blond said "No, I think they are bear tracks."

Suddenly they were hit by the train.

Rejected Hallmark Cards

1. So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat.

When I looked at the tire.

I noticed your cat. Sorry

3. You had your bladder removed

and you're on the mends.

Here's a bouquet of flowers

and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay,

won't that be a laugh,

when they find out you're one

of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy!

Hope you feel zippy!

Cause when I had mine

I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you.

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it.

She moved in with me

7. You totaled your car.

And can't remember why.

Could it have been.

That whole case of Bud Dry?

Getting married is very much like going to a

restaurant with friends.You order what you want,

then when you see what the other person has,

you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong

finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the

wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You

know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied,

"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband

wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and

said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied,

"So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better

revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The

rest cheat in Europe. * Jackie Mason

=======================

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is

finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost

to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son,

I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of

Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real

happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my

husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married

him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is

that you never get to prove it."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict

attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go

through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you

start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so

does she.

During a heated spat over finances the husband said,

"Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this

place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back,

"Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could

fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about

marriage is that as both husband and father, I can

say anything I want to around the house. Of course,

no one pays the least bit of attention.

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most

married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got two girlfriends.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way

to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's

birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is

packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk

down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and

still think they are beautiful.

I heard that the man who wrote the "Hokey Pokey" had died. They had to

delay the funeral because the undertaker had trouble getting him into

the

casket. They put his left foot in, they took his left foot out.......

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised,

the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you

from, boy?". The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks,

"What do you do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?" The

guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the

whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us.

ARE WE REALLY THIS STUPID???

On my hairdryer instructions:

* Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:

* You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:

* Directions: Use like regular soap.

Frozen dinner that says:

* Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTELPROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:

* fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT

* Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING

* Product will be hot after heating

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON

* Do not Iron clothes on body

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE

* Do not drive car or operate machinery

ON NYTOL

* Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE

* Warning keep out of children

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

* For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR

* Not to be used for the other use

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS

* Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS

* Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW

* Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Hello,

Yes, you. You looking at this screen for hours on end online. You're

blearyeyed.

You're an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know

what day

of the week it is?

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned

about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

We're a

nonprofit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support

and

counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your

problem.

We feature a twelvestep recovery program and in extreme cases,

interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you

most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict.

Do you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check email more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope

you'll

receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation,

hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be

griping

about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a

problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1800LOGOFFNOWFORSWEETJESUSSAKES.

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is

admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin.

I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final

exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by

anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking

forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you forward

them, that some poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought

on by secondhand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who

kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their

child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me

the letter.

Morons, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you

and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get

laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of

bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big *FUCK YOU* to all the idiots out

there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail

forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment

and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started

by Aristotle and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the

Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness

Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something

mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends"

and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive

a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't

fucking care. I don't give a shit.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually

contributing to by sending out forwards.

Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

P.S. Please forward *this* and an extended middle finger to at least

50 of your best friends.

Talk like a man

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted

them

to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told

them

to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to

tell

her

what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the

grown

up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choochoo.

The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's

the

grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the

summer.

He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he

had

read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the

Shit."

Is This You?

You Are A Child Of The 80's If:

You know what a "burnout" is.

You know what "Sike" means.

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".

You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".

You wanted to be a Goonie.

You know who Max Headroom is.

You ever wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing.

You could breakdance, or wish you could.

You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.

You wanted to be on StarSearch.

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.

You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who

did.

You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".

You HAD to have your MTV.

You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".

You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.

You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.

You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.

You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".

You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

You own any cassettes.

You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the

moon.

You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza

Hut.

Or any other stupid collection they came out with.

Poltergeist freaked you out.

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

You know what a Doozer is.

You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew

someone who did.

You ever had a Swatch Watch.

You can name ½ the members of Duran Duran

You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.

You know what a "Whammee" is.

You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.

If you can identify with at least half of this list then you are most

certainly a product of the 80's!

Did you hear about the man that discovered how a woman thinks?

He died laughing before he could tell anyone.

EnjoyHO! HO! HO!

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going

right.

Mrs

Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining

about

not

getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.

The

reindeer

had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make

matters

worse,

they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and

had

crashed

it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver

millions

of

presents all over the world in just a few hours all of my

reindeer

are

drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas

tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and

he

isn't

even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in

from

the

snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man!

Where

do

you

want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came

to

pass........

Twas the Night Before Christmas in Brooklyn

Twas the night before Christmas,

Da whole house was mella,

Not a creature was stirrin',

Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof

I heard somethin' pound

I sprung to da window,

To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my

Wanderin' eyes should appear,

But da Don of all elfs,

And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,

And a silk red suit,

don Christopher wuz here,

And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,

And a yank on dare manes,

He cursed and he shouted,

And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,

Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,

Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,

Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun

And hid by da bed,

He flew troo da winda

And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin'

Pullin' a gun on da Don?

Now all you're gettin' is coal,

You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga

Right unda my nose,

He twisted his pinky ring,

And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,

Obscenities screamin',

Away dey all flew,

Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,

What I did least expect,

"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,

And yous better show some respect!"

HOW TO COOK A THANKSGIVING TURKEY.........

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Adam and Eve

In the Garden of Eden,

As everyone knows,

Lives Adam and Eve,

Without any clothes.

In this garden,

Were two little leaves,

One covered Adam's,

One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,

Never the less to say,

The wind came along,

And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,

Adam did stare,

There was Eve's treasure,

All covered with hair.

And wonder came,

Under Eve's eyes,

As Adam's thing,

Started to rise.

They found a spot,

That suited them best,

A nice big tree,

Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,

And wider apart,

While thrill after thrill,

Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,

Peeked into the hole,

And filled her with passion,

Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,

His thing did slide,

And Eve's treasure,

Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,

She wouldn't let loose,

Until Adam's thing,

Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,

People did screw,

And now it is time,

For me and you.

So pull down your pants,

And lay in the grass,

Cause I'm in the mood,

For a piece of that ASS!

Adam and Eve

In the Garden of Eden,

As everyone knows,

Lives Adam and Eve,

Without any clothes.

In this garden,

Were two little leaves,

One covered Adam's,

One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,

Never the less to say,

The wind came along,

And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,

Adam did stare,

There was Eve's treasure,

All covered with hair.

And wonder came,

Under Eve's eyes,

As Adam's thing,

Started to rise.

They found a spot,

That suited them best,

A nice big tree,

Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,

And wider apart,

While thrill after thrill,

Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,

Peeked into the hole,

And filled her with passion,

Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,

His thing did slide,

And Eve's treasure,

Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,

She wouldn't let loose,

Until Adam's thing,

Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,

People did screw,

And now it is time,

For me and you.

So pull down your pants,

And lay in the grass,

Cause I'm in the mood,

For a piece of that ASS!

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...

1) "Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

2) "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

3) "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

4) "It's Cool Whip time!"

5) "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

6) "Are you going to come again next time?"

7) "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

8) "Don't play with your meat."

9) "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

10) "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

11) "You still have a little bit on your chin."

12) "How long will it take after you stick it in?"

13) "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

14) "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

15) "Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

16) "Talk about a huge breast!"

17) "Are you ready for seconds yet?"

18) "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

19) "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

20) "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

21) "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

22) "How many are coming?"

23) "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough

sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you pass gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is

produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30

feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp,you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork

than by a poisonous spider?

Righthanded people live, on average, nine years longer than lefthanded

people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including

their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight

and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for

animal having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping

the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to

death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its

body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Starfishes haven't got brains.

After reading all these, all I can say is....Lucky Pig.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light,

and

next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that

to you?"

The Kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that

bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation

ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way,

that's

a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says,"Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the

horse, instead of on top."

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light,

and

next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that

to you?"

The Kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that

bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation

ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way,

that's

a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says,"Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the

horse, instead of on top."

The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals a carpenter, an

electrician, and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple

on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.

The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would

give them a few chuckles.

The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore

that it would be memorable.

The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the

groom's three friends received a letter saying the following:

"Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric

shock was only a minor setback But I swear to God Almighty, I am going to

kill the mother fucker that put Novocain in the KY Jelly."

Bible Revision Found in Dead Sea Scrolls

Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and so

entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic

fact. The assertion has always been that Woman was created from one of

Adam's ribs.

Last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead

Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that predate

Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's

beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible. The following

is an excerpt from the book of Genesis:

"... and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her young.

And God spake, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit. Is there

anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"

And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I was not made to birth whole litters, I

need but two breasts."

And God said,. "Thou speak wisely, for I have created thee with much

wisdom." Then there was a crack of lightning and a lingering odor of ozone,

and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.

"Now just what am I going to do with this useless boob?" Woman

exclaimed.

And so it was, that God created Man."

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of

Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the

services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and

talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,

trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil

incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly

gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious

to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you

afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48

years."

The Darwin Award

What is the Darwin Award?

The Darwin Award is given each year to the person who does gene pool

the biggest favor by killing themselves in the most spectacular and

stupid way, presumably, so that persons this stupid do not procreate.

Maybe this page should be named "Dumb and Dumber". To see more

stories, many of them confirmed to be true, follow this link to the

Darwin

Award web site.

These guys didn't kill themselves so they don't qualify but they

deserve honorable mention.

(I believe this one has been

confirmed to be urban legend)

DARWIN AWARD NOMINEE

Michigan, USA.

A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for 30some thousand dollars and

has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately finds his

friend and they decide go duck hunting. However, all the lakes in

their area are frozen. They travel to the lake with their guns, their

hunting dog,

their beer and the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and

get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the

ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice

and to

make a hole large enough to look like something wandering duck wants

to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than

a ice

hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite

with a short, 40 second fuse. Now these two men do take into

consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a

location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand

Cherokee),

they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the

burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast.

So, they

decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle,

thebeer, the guns AND THE DOG? Yes, the dog. A highly trained

Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.

The dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets

the

stick of dynamite (with the burning 40 second fuse) at about the same

time it hits the ice, all to the woes of the two men yelling,

stomping,

waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now.

The dog happily heads back from where it came from moments before,

with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the men, now

really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new

heights than ever before. Now one of the guys decides to think, grabs

a

shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot,

hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. The dog

stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot

and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of

course

scared, thinking these men have gone insane and takes off to find

cover, with the now really short fuse burning on this stick of

dynamite. The

cover the dog finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee, 30some

thousand dollar, 400+ monthly payment, vehicle sitting on the lake

ice.

BOOM !

Dog dies instantly and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee, 30some

thousand dollar, 400+ monthly payment, vehicle sink to the bottom of

the lake leaving the men standing there with this "I can't believe

this happened" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which

tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of

explosives is not

covered. He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS

What occurs more often in December than any other month?

Conception.

Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What

is it?

Skinny dipping.

What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?

No theme song/music.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

Their birthplace. This is propinquity.

Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name

requested?

Obsession

More women do this in the bathroom than men. Wash their

hands. Women ~ 80% Men ~ 55%

What do 100% of all lottery winners do?

Gain weight.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite

smell.

Banana

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you

would find the letter "A"?

One thousand

What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser

printers all have in common?

All invented by women.

Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.

Change their underwear.

This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem

to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.

A kiss

This is the only food that doesn't spoil.

Honey

There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.

Father's Day

What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?

He was allergic to carrots.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?

Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this. Wear

underwear.

What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21%

hydrogen and 9% dioxide?

A fart.

About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting?

Flush the toilet.

What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every

episode of "Seinfeld"?

Superman, either by name or

pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.

Cheating on their wives.

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS

What occurs more often in December than any other month?

Conception.

Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What

is it?

Skinny dipping.

What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?

No theme song/music.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

Their birthplace. This is propinquity.

Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name

requested?

Obsession

More women do this in the bathroom than men. Wash their

hands. Women ~ 80% Men ~ 55%

What do 100% of all lottery winners do?

Gain weight.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite

smell.

Banana

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you

would find the letter "A"?

One thousand

What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser

printers all have in common?

All invented by women.

Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.

Change their underwear.

This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem

to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.

A kiss

This is the only food that doesn't spoil.

Honey

There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.

Father's Day

What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?

He was allergic to carrots.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?

Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this. Wear

underwear.

What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21%

hydrogen and 9% dioxide?

A fart.

About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting?

Flush the toilet.

What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every

episode of "Seinfeld"?

Superman, either by name or

pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.

Cheating on their wives.

Hey Sexy!

I know I haven't known you very long,

and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon,

but I really need it badly.

I haven't' had it for a while

and I can already feel it

going in good and hard

and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs

and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now,

that I have a lot of nerve

but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it

and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer

so.......

Do you have a piece of gum?

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man

opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another

seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man

seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out

laughing.

She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came

up in

court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady

got

on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a

sign

that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. Then

she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will

reduce

the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign

that

said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control

myself. BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign

that

said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I laughed

out loud.

"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.

Men Take heed......

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife

interrupts,"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's

been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "fix the

light? now? Does it look like I have G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I

don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To

which

he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse

written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "then could

you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm

NOT carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look

like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've

had

enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel

guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he

enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a

beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get

fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice

young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him, He offered to do all

the

repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a

cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hello ..... Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead? I

don't think so."

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source

of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling

through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a

sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards

ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and

discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there

may be a drop or two left

in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is

no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete

with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three

wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a

Jewish genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is

right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.

And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare

gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white

and surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may

be a string attached.

To My Dear Wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have

succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.

1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times

2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times

3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times

4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times

5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times

6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times

7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times

8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes

9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times

10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times

11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times

12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times

13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times

14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times

15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times

16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times

17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times

Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2

times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in

the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2 times I

had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I

had hurt you because I felt you move.

To My Dear Husband,

I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real

reasons you did not get it more often than you did.

1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat. . . . . . 15 times

2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times

3. Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times

4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times

5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times

6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times

7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times

8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times

9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times

10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times

11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times

12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times

13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times

14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times

15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times

16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were

fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I

said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me

move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family

doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and

in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is

cockeyed."

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging

that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a

special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After

several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a

wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to

wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you

got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the

handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right.

Get in."

Working retail:

People who believe shopping carts have homing devices which will

guide them back to their proper places, so they can just leave

them wherever they finish with them.

People who wait till their order is rung up and you've given

them the total before they start digging for their checkbook.

People who stand back in line and yell "Can't you get any more

help up here?!" Do they really think that I enjoy the

harrassment so much that I wouldn't call someone if I could?

Shoppers who slide in just before closing and proceed to shop

leisurely, ignoring the announcements that their time is up.

Parents who remove merchandise from their child's mouth and

hand it to you, saliva and all, to scan.

Parents who let their kids pick up half the store and then

bring it to checkout for you to return to stock, because they

never wanted it anyway, just didn't want to tell the kid "No".

Christmas:

* People who "beg" you not to get them gifts...and then

pout when you don't

* Competitive decorators (i.e., gotta keep up with John

Doe next door)

* Shoppers who wait until the last week and then bitch

about the crowds

* People who wait in the car with their foot on the brake

while their spouse is in the store shopping...and idiots like

myself who sit waiting for them to move, thinking they are

leaving

* Presents boxed in 16 different boxes (one inside the

other), or covered with half a roll of packaging tape...the

kind you need a chainsaw to cut

* The infamous, impersonal gift certificate

[Ed. note: @#$!. I just bought a bunch of those. Why didn't I

run this peeve two days ago? *cry*]

* The cash register scanner has problems with an item and

the person behind you acts as though you did this on purpose!!

(Which leads to another...)

* Stores that don't put price tags on items (even one on

the shelf would be nice) thereby forcing you to either hunt down

a sales rep (yeah right!) or change your mind at the register

due to the high price.

* Cashiers who get angry because you decide to decline an

item due to the price...which you couldn't have known since it

wasn't marked

"Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas

trees you have had in the past.

2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical

devices.

3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one

in the closet.

4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.

6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it

on the curb and have it hauled away.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas

trees.

8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it

in the back of your pickup truck.

"Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man"

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

4. A Christmas tree always looks good even with the

lights on.

5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of

its balls.

8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its

'sell by' date.

9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I

have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful

garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious

comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man

for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,

an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you

properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger

and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at

fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleetfooted

ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt

stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya

going boy?"

The son smiled and replied, "I'm agoing courting PeggySue."

The Father said, "When I went acourtin', I didn't need me no

dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending

all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw

his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip

from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how

you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out

enjoying myself every night!"

Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve.They all find

themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven.On

entering they must present something Christmassy.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe,

so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also

allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "how do these

represent Christmas?"

He answered, "they're Carol's."

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able

to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late

husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he

died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three

envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in

these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and

do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use

this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful

mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know

Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please

use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified

funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use

this to buy a nice stone.'

Holding her hand in the air and showing off her ten carat

diamond ring., Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"

Would you rather pay for overhead or good service?

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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane

Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you

Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira,

one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide

pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been

discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

"How awful !" exclaimed the wife.

"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the

husband.

~~~~

"But this isn't an engagement ring." the young lady protested.

"Why it's just a tiny unset diamond."

"Yeah ! I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a

cluster around a big one, the very day after you are."

~~~~

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Are what you will find,

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It's one of a kind.

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to

their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I

want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good

idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some

Dramamine."

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the

clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine,

please."

"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a

question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

~~~~

Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After

knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes

there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on

earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana

but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I

guess I had extramarital sex but you shouldn't hold that

against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I

lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK,

here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot,

but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period

of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all

hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to

freeze over."

<< TRADITIONAL POSITION

(also known as the MISSIONARY position)

For the typically boring couple who lacks fantasy or imagination...we

suggest

turning on the TV...

PUZZLE POSITION

"I KNOW how I got IN ...but how do I get OUT? "

EXTINGUISH CANDLE POSITION

If the fire goes out, there's always knitting.

Not recommended for females over 250 pounds

SEAT POSITION

Easily utilized in a theater when vacant seats are scarce...don't forget

the popcorn.

BEHIND POSITION

Remove earrings before trying... After several times of this position,

the female

resembles Dumbo.

MMM POSITION

Finally! your wife will be quiet!

MMM, MMM POSITION

Ok...it's YOUR turn to be quiet now...

ACROBATIC POSITION

It's all a matter of balance...

Best to release your hold before falling...

Drinking joke

Starkle, starkle, little twink,

Who the hell are you I think.

I'm not under what you call,

The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm just a little slort of sheep,

I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.

I don't know who is me yet,

But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,

'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up

RESOLUTIONS

New Year's Resolution #1

Try to avoid transmission of interspecies diseases.

New Year's Resolution #2

Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet (especially when they

are less than 1000 feet above the ground).

New Year's Resolution #3

Stay off the Mir space station.

New Year's Resolution #4

Don't eat cloned meat.

New Year's Resolution #5

Try not to have seven children at once.

New Year's Resolution #6

Avoid drunk limo drivers on antidepressants.

New Year's Resolution #7

Don't give real name when making campaign bribes.

New Year's Resolution #8

Don't take a car all the way to Mars without remembering the spare battery.

New Year's Resolution #9

Don't get so drunk that you think cutting your penis off and blaming it

on your girlfriend is a really neat idea.

***************************

MORE RESOLUTIONS (these are more MY speedThorn)

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you

never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually

accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less.

4. Watch more tv. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more.

6. Drink. Drink some more.

7. Take up a new habit: smoking.

8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night .

9. Spend more time at work.

10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of

twine.

11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

12. Quit giving money & time to charity.

14. Start being superstitious.

15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the

windows

tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a

belt.

Only wear white Tshirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the

arms.

18. Personal goal: bring back disco.

(well.....maybe not THAT far...)

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had

spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when

who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked

terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and

his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by

motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some

more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the

airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida

stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got

it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while

stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but

Oscar looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the

stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a

perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

************

YK2

It seems that computer programs are full of "bugs," so named because that's

what many software engineers look like. And, the worst bug is the Y2K,

which, if left unaddressed, could result in the following calamities:

Bill Clinton might be constitutionally eligible to run for a third term.

Chevy might bring back the Vega.

Airlines might accidentally install seats large enough for people to sit in.

Due to a crash in their phone systems, you could call a bank

and wind up talking to a person instead of a recording.

The White House might start charging drug dealers the wrong

rate for a night in the Lincoln Bedroom.

As the ball drops on New Year's Eve in Times Square in New York, it

might get stuck, meaning Dick Clark would be on television forever.

Your VCR would stop blinking MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT

and start blinking NOON NOON NOON.

Tony Orlando might decide the time is right for a comeback.

If you are one of those people who have trouble adjusting to Daylight

Savings Time, imagine the headaches you'll have to endure when we start

the 1900's all over again!

*****************************

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring

& good looking?

A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

*****************

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up

to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke,

the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too

short to reach.

*****************

What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?

Bo Derek getting older.

******************

Why is a woman better than a sheep?

Sheep can't cook.

*************

Guy and girl in back of van going at it... Girl says "put a finger in me" So

he does.

Then she says "put another finger in me" and he does.

"Put ANOTHER finger in me" and again he does.

"Put your whole HAND in me" and he does...

"Put your other hand in me" and again he obeys.

"Now clap!"

At this point he replies "I can't!"

"Tight huh?"

REAL SIGNS PART III

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT:

Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the

light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:

Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE:

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back

or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE:

After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside

down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR:

This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. 

(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP:

We exchange anything bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring

your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

7. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW:

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

8. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:

Closed due to illness.

9. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:

Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

10. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE:

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on

the first floor.

11. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET:

If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

12. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR:

We can repair anything

(Please knock hard on the door the bell doesn't work)

13. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK:

Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

*********************

THE ULTIMATE CHAIN LETTER

If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and

each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days...

In 40 days, approx. 10 trillion of these messages will cross the

internet.

From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will

cross the internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.

From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will

cross the internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day,

41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or

11.6 billion messages per second.

Of course, the internet will have ground to a complete halt way before

then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman

and child in the world is tied to the internet) you would have to

respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20

responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each

message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain

letters per day, bringing almost two million times the bad luck upon

yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.

The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter

and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and

by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.

I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up

having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at

least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also

revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing

suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful.

Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit

by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even

more bad luck.

What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?

They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on it.

**********

What's the purpose of a bellybutton?

To put your gum in on the way down.

**************

BEST TSHIRTS of 1998

"Filthy, Stinking Rich Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"

"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered"

"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" seen on Cape Cod

"I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man I've Been Practicing Since 1943"

"Happiness Is Seeing Your Motherinlaw on a Milk Carton"

"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"

"60YearOld, One Owner, Needs Parts, Make Offer"

"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My

Knees"

"If You Can Read This, Thank a Teacher"

"A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"

"Procrastinate Now"

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"Waiting for the Perfect Man" (Printed across a drawing of a skeleton).

"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse

He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts Do You Want Fries With That?"

"When the Going Gets Tough, Use Duct Tape"

"Party My Crib Two A.M." (On a babysize shirt)

"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I

Was 15"

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and

knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and

he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices.

He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an

equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U

turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know

how to get to Des Moines either."

~~~~~~

Question: Why does Bill Clinton have a clean conscience?

Answer: He's never used it.

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the

posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya

from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in

Columbia."

The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said,

"Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way

there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters".

They reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the

bed this morning."

This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just

goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and

he says, "Good morning Brother."

The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side

of the bed this morning."

The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther and

he

comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father."

The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side

of the bed this morning."

Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying

a

word to anyone.

The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."

The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop.

He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side

of the bed this morning."

The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"

The priest reallised his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is

it

you want."

The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why

you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"

************************************************************

(You may have to read through these twice to get exactly how DENSE some

of these people REALLY areThorn)

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

The Washington Post asked its Style Invitational readers to comb through

that day's stories in The Post and come up with letters to the editor

that sort of miss the point. What follows are excerpts from that search:

To the editor:

Does The Post so hate America that you wish to deliver our national

secrets into the hands of our enemies? I refer of course to The Post's

publication of page after page of "Classified" information, blatantly

labeled as such in type so large that even the most dimwitted spy can

hardly fail to miss it!

20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless To the Editor:

Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not 10 tons of

additional pavement! This donation is cruel, like giving 20,000 Zippos

to a burn ward. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

HANDDELIVERED. URGENT!

To the editor:

Do not let them bury those people whose pictures you showed in Sunday's

obituaries! Most of them look like they are still alive!

Momentum Is Building in Downtown Revival

I continue to be appalled by your poor understanding and incorrect usage

of even the simplest physics terms. Momentum is the property of mass

multiplied by velocity. As buildings remain at rest, they have no

momentum. The term you are looking for is "inertia."

Unproductive Mids Trampled at Home

Our nation's military academies are and should remain highly

competitive. But it is horrifying that parents are resorting to corporal

punishment when a student has fallen behind in his studies. I am

especially dismayed to learn the Southern Methodists had a hand in this

savagery.

Catholic Fumbles, Stumbles in Playoffs By Neil H. Greenberger

Catholic fumbles? I cannot believe your sportswriters are allowed to

single out for criticism persons of certain faiths. Everyone errs

occasionally, not just Catholics. I guess Mr. Greenberger feels Jews

never drop the ball, but I'm here to tell you I found one who did, in

this awful article.

Palestinians Say Israelis Violated Accord

So now they're blaming the Jews for every car that's broken into?

Maryland Agrees to Tobacco Settlement

Well, that's just great. Just what we need an entire settlement of

people devoted to their cancer sticks. What's next, a drunkdriving

commune?

Bishop Lifts Kansas State Over Missouri

A Roman Catholic miracle, and The Post buries it in Sports? This is

typical of your godlessness. I'm sure if it was some Vatican scandal, we

would see it on Page 1 above the fold.

Bishop Leads Wildcats Past Missouri

I find it commendable that the clergy are attempting, like Saint

Patrick in Ireland, to rid the land of dangerous animals. However, your

story irresponsibly fails to tell us where the good bishop is taking

these creatures. Is he bringing them to the D.C. area? Show a little

civic responsibility, please, and inform the public

I object to Frank Stewart's blatant denigration of the mentally

challenged in his bridge column. Whatever he thinks of a player's

relative skills, there is no excuse for the repeated reference to North

as "Dummy."

Pakistan Holds Members of Ethnic Movement

What is the world coming to when Pakistani officials can get away with

humiliating its enemies by holding their members?

D.C. United Se Une Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro Centroamerica

I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for the article on D.C.

United. There were so many typos I couldn't understand a word.

To the editor: You Washingtonians are so selfabsorbed! Take

Sunday's weather report. You go on and on about weather in the

Washington area. You can bet that here in Muscateen, we don't spend all

our time talking about Washington's weather.

Republican Leadership Vacuum Might Open Doors for Governors

When will these Poindexters in Washington understand that the

American public won't put up with their gross misspending of U.S. tax

dollars $600 hammers, $2,000 toilet seats, and now vacuum cleaners to

open doors for Governors? Please.

I am eager to contact Mr. Scott Black, the "rumpled money

manager," as I am eager to have him sort and straighten out my wrinkled

currency.

In re the recent spate of letters to the editor supporting more

flights out of National Airport, I believe the authors do not consider

the longterm consequences of this action. Unless we balance the number

of flights out of National with the number of flights into National, we

will only accelerate the trend of urban flight from the District of

Columbia.

(And... last and certainly least...)

I am outraged at the inappropriateness of the Taurus horoscope. The idea

of an "older individual" helping me, a 12yearold boy, "get into the

big leagues" is repulsive. You have made me cry.

*****************************************

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out

for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day,

and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre,

kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me

lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts

pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white

wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it

in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie

shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her

arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO

YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter

pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

*******************

The Top 13 Afterschool Specials for the 90s

13 Michel's EMail Joke, and His Subsequent Visit from the Secret

Service

12 Larry Learns About Leather

11 My Dad is a FiftyYearOld Hippie, and I Want Some Discipline

10 It's a Mall World After All

9 RJ Reynolds Presents: A Teenager's Guide to the Dangerous, GrownUp,

and Really Cool World of Smoking

8 I Can Stop Anytime I Want: My Personal Beanie Baby Hell

7 Look Before Crossdressing

6 The Littlest Testicle

5 Binge and Purge: A Junior High Girl's Guide to Staying Skinny

4 If You Cant Stand the Infection, Don't Get Your Nipple Pierced

3 Eschew the Powder, Zebedee: An Amish Drug Tragedy

2 Yikes! My Boobs are Growing!

and Top5's Number 1 Afterschool Special for the 90s...

1 Your Internet Friend, Billy, Who Wants You to Take a Bus to Miami

By Yourself, Probably Isn't Really 10 Years Old Like You

*****************************************

What does the blinking neon sign above Frank's 24Hour

Abortion Clinic say?

You Rape 'Em, We Scrape 'Em

No Fetus Can Beat Us!

*****************************************

Shopping at WalMart

A woman goes into WalMart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know

which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a WalMart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and

reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I

can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that

it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.

test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the

sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for

so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the

woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes there

is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that

she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00,

and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

(Thanks, Night Bliss!)

******************************

Two highschool buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm

really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment

her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of

your hand."

About a halfhour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for

such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I

started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts

they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got

her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another

compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

[email protected]

****************************

QUICKIES + SICKIES!

Q. What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?

A. A quadraplegic in a house fire.

Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

Q. What's better than winning a gold medal at the ParaOlympics?

A. Having arms and legs.

Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?

A. So they can look like their mothers.

Q. Why Wasn't Christ Born In Mexico?

A. Because They Couldn't Find Three Wise Men And A Virgin.

Q. Why are they using Mexicans instead of laboratory rats In

experiments now?

A. Mexicans breed faster and you don't get so attached to them.

Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A mexican And An Ape.

A. A Retarded Ape.

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house

by putting a few signs in wellplaced locations.

#1. Dear Mr. Butcher;

Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutis.

Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

#2. Dear Mr. Milkman;

We found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The

next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts

of your body well clear of all openings.

PS. Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild

Jungle Cats?"

#3. Selma;

Don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...

#4. Dear Mr. Exterminator;

Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten

through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement

where all of the rats are!

#5. To whom it may concern;

Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal

Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when

touched. Good luck...

*****************************************************

THE GOALKEEPER

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman

screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down

the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing

watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building, a

woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window

screaming for someone to save her baby.

The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby

and I'll catch it!"

"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and

she'll be killed!"

"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am Alec Maguire. I'm the goalkeeper for

Ireland's national football Ysoccer? team. I've never missed a match in

ten years and in all that time I have never let the ball into my net."

"What? Not once?" calls the woman.

"No!" shouts back the man. "Not once. Every football player in the world

agrees that I am the best goalkeeper there has ever been".

And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance legs apart and

lightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and

with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body,

with palms facing forward.

"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she

comes!"

So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby

from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the

woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one

side,tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs

flailing. The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby

will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man.

The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling

further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is

only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across

the pavement Ysidewalk?, catches the baby in his outstretched right

hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left

hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies

motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises

himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that

the child is alive.

The crowd is awestruck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the

woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man,

still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the

crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation.

Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby

twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road.

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by

the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a

hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go

down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something at

least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would

you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick

against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out

and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table,

a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were

the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator,

"Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The

navigator told him.

The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick

of yours. The torpedo missed!"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother

was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off

the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy,

will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't

dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice:

"The big sissy."

<< Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the

good old days. They talked about what they used to be able to do and

wondered if they still had their old tricks in them.

So, they decided to go see if they still had extrawordily powers like

they had so many years before. The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses

raised his hands and...parted the sea just like he had when he was

much much younger.

Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but

what could I do now to see if I still got it?"

"Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses.

So Jesus kicked off the Birkenstocks and stepped into the water. He

took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky waters

of the Red Sea. Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was

the matter.

"Must be those fucking holes in your feet," Moses responded.

******************

(wrap your mind around this....)

Theorem:

a cat has nine tails.

Proof:

No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore,

a cat has nine tails.

*******************************************************************

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something

about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his

girlfriend going at it in the backseat. The bartender shook his head

and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a

good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend

entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

*************

BENEFITS OF BEING FEMALE

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of

cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our

sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.

We can use cosmetics should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged

in.

We can wear platforms which is why there is no such thing as a "little woman

syndrome"

We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's much easier

for us

to get laid in the first place.

We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are

nice

to us when we blow up our computers.

We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.

We got off the Titanic first.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous they look like

complete

dicks in ours.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts..and pool.....and

football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate

clothes

and shouting at strangers......men die earlier so we get to cash in on the

life

insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation

between

the size of our scores and the size of our genitals.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer

game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a

'ruck'

(or any other rugby thing). But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.

We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

******************

Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the

good old days. They talked about what they used to be able to do and

wondered if they still had their old tricks in them.

So, they decided to go see if they still had extrawordily powers like

they had so many years before. The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses

raised his hands and...parted the sea just like he had when he was

much much younger.

Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but

what could I do now to see if I still got it?"

"Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses.

So Jesus kicked off the Birkenstocks and stepped into the water. He

took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky waters

of the Red Sea. Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was

the matter.

"Must be those fucking holes in your feet," Moses responded.

******************

(wrap your mind around this....)

Theorem:

a cat has nine tails.

Proof:

No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore,

a cat has nine tails.

SNOW IN JUNE

There was this guy riding down the road when he sees this pretty young

lady standing with her thumb out. The driver pulls over and offers her a

ride.

She gets in and later on down the road she says, 'My name is June

Hanson.'

He says, 'My name is Gene Snow.'

Later on down the road she looks over at him and says, 'Why do you keep

sizing me up?'

He says, 'I was just wondering what it would be like to have eight

inches of Snow in June.'

******************

What's dumb?

Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?

Reading them.

Even dumber?

Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all?

Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

*****************************

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way

to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money

to lose! Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.

***********************************************

*******OTHER FINE JOKE SITES AND LISTS*******

***********************************************

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send a blank email to

[email protected]

with subscribe in the subject line.

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Laff a Day

http://www.laffaday.com/

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http://come.to/mishmashhumor

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Read the Quotes on her site...

sign for her joke mailing

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THE LAST CHAIN LETER YOU WILL EVER NEED!

Does your life suck? Are people of the opposite sex ignoring you,

talking shit about you, and giving fellatio/cunnilingus to your

friends/parents in the back of your car? Have you just walked in on

your boss having a threesome with your grandmother and your

brotherinlaw? Have you unsuspectingly/knowingly eaten a piece of dried

scab? Well, bad news, pal, your life just got a whole lot fucking

worse.

YOU GOT A CHAIN LETTER, AND IF YOU DON'T FORWARD IT, YOU'RE IN DEEP

FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!

Oh, I know what you're saying. "Dave, I get chain letters al the

time, and they don't mean anything." Wrong answer pal, check this out.

Back in the days of midgets and cowboys, a man named Zeb found this

chain letter in a treasure chest, and he was like "I'm a cowboy, I don't

have to do anything except stay white and die." So he didn't send the

letter to anyone.

Later that day, he found out his girlfriend was having lesbian sex with

his thirteen yearold sister. He's like, "well that can't be because of

the letter!" WRONG. Next, he was going to the bathroom at a local bar,

and this guy breaks into the stall and rapes him with a popsicle stick,

three yards of fishing line, 17 razor blades, a broomstick, and a pound

of ground hamburger. Later, he found out that guy was his fucking

FATHER.

Turns out his father has been gay for years, and the person he thought

was his mother was really a GUY. Well, not so much a guy, but a shaven

gorilla.

The chain letter didn't have anything to do with this, but his life

really sucked right? Couldn't get any worse? NOPE. When he came out

of the bathroom, some guy said he'd give Zeb fifty thousand dollars if

he ate seven pounds of dogshit, and pointed to a table covered in well,

steamy nugget, to say the least. Zeb thought his luck was getting

better and devoured the shit like it was a huge, melted Baby Ruth.

Then he's, like, "give me my money."

And the guys like, "I said SEVEN pounds. You just ate TWELVE pounds of

shit, and my girlfriend's aborted baby." Zeb just thought it was a

scary looking tomato.

On his way home he got gang raped by thirty midgets, and when they were done

with him, they all pissed on his head. You ever get gang raped and pissed on

by thirty midgets? Believe me, you DON'T want to. And a couple of them were

really hairy and shit.

After that, Zeb coughed up his own heart, and couldn't move, for twelve

hours, and died slowly. And all of this could happen to you . . .

SEND THIS LETTER TO . . . .

0 people Alright, you're fucked. You're going to get chronic

diarrhea, you're going to get a train of zits that starts at your ass

and then moves its way up to your face, going inside your nostrils and

your ears. Your best friend is going to fuck your mother, and then

YOU'RE going to fuck her by accident (This makes no difference to

whether you're a boy or a girl).

Your boyfriend / girlfriend / right hand / enormous pickle will

betray you, fuck your best friend, and kill everyone in your family,

except if there is anybody there you really hate. You will become the

scapegoat for a national Naziesque power, and the world will blame its

problems on you. The Spice Girls will play naughty jokes on you.

People who you know will talk about you like you are dead, even if YOU

are talking to them. The only channel you wil get on cable is Spice,

and the only movie they are showing is a gay porn called "Rodeo Rick."

Finally, you will die of serious internal bleeding, due to a peanut

butter jar that you will accidentally sit on in the shower.

5 people alright, you're out of the woods. But nothing good going

to happen to you, and you're still going to just get the gay porn

channel.

10 people your life is going to be greater than anything you could

possibly imagine. Everytime someone says a word with the letter "M"

in it, you will have a huge, rhythmic, unstoppable orgasm. Someone you

hate will die a horrible death, but a death that's kind of funny at the

same time (like the guy in Clerks who breaks his neck trying to suck his

own dick).

People you like will fuck you silly on pool tables and shit. You will

die, be martyred, have a religion be started about you, then rise from

the dead and take your seat at the right hand of God.

And best of all....no one will send you anymore dumbass chain letters!!!

***********************************************************

Three questions to ask an alien before having sex:

(1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable to humans?

(2) Have you had sex with any highrisk partners in the past six months?

(3) Which one is your mouth?

***********************************************************

THE EVILS OF LIQUOR

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson

about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved

a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a

worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about,

happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and

quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor

asked.

Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,

responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

***********************************************************

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:

1. He never got married.

2. He never held a steady job.

3. His last request was a drink.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was always in trouble with the law.

3. His mother didn't know who his father was.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:

1. He called everybody brother.

2. He had no permanent address.

3. Nobody would hire him.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot.

3. He invented a new religion.

AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:

1. He went into his father's business.

2. He lived at home until the age of 33.

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure He was God.

***********************************************************

A news report in the Washington Times claims that the "distinguishing

characteristic" Paula Jones refers to regarding our president's

genitalia is a bend or curvature that is either congenital or acquired

through Peyronie's disease. This characteristic is reportedly confirmed

by a former lover.

My only thought when I heard about it:

I always knew the SOB was crooked somehow...

***********************************************************

Prosecutors have agreed to spare Ted Kaczynski's life, in exchange for

his testimony of having had an affair with President Clinton.

***********************************************************

With all the recent scandals, it seems that Clinton's presidential

library will be the first with a pornography section.

***********************************************************

If President Clinton practiced safe, monogamous sex, he wouldn't be

worried about aides.

***********************************************************

Q. Why isn't Clinton saying too much about the affair?

A. He's hoping it will Peter Out in a few days.

***********************************************************

Q. Why does Hillary wear the pants in the White House?

A. Cause Bill can't keep his on.

***********************************************************

The Joy of Coffee

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures: it leadeth me beyond the

sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz: it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for

its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I

will fear no Equal (tm): for thou art with me; thy cream and thy

sugar they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez:

thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and

I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a

car pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a

piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man

driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces

of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.

"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all

the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he

says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have

to live with it!"

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the

Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was

holding its Annual Conventions. More than a hundred lawyers

were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that

unless their demands were met, they would release one

lawyer every hour.

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up

in their best sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street

hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.

One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope

will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an

exceptionally downtrodden looking bum who doesn't smell very

good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says

something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.

He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him,

he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and

feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade

clothes with him. He puts on the bums clothing and runs down

the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and

talk to him.

Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans

over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of

here!"

"I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy

memory!"

"Why would you want to divorce him for that?"

"Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps

forgetting that he's married!"

TONGUETWISTERS (an addedndum)

Here is one you forgot....

I'm not a pheasant plucker

I'm a pheasant plucker's son

I'm only plucking pheasants

Till a pheasant plucker comes.

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

**************************

One day, a blonde went into an appliance store that was having a sale

on TV's. She walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, "I would

like to buy this TV."

The clerk replied, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."

So, the blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again,she

went up to the counter and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

And again, the clerk answered, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."

Puzzled, the blonde asked, "How did you know I was a blonde." And the

clerk said, "Because that is a microwave."

***********************************

CAREER OPPORTUNITIES

by WILLIAM BURRILL

I'm going rapidly broke thanks to the good people at Nissan. My wife

owns a Nissan Multi, which is a small van designed by the Japanese as a

practical joke to get even with us for treating them badly during World

War II.

Our Nissan (which is Japanese for "Worthless Piece Of Shit Lemon") comes

equipped with the world's first Kamikaze engine: every time you take off

in the Nissan the engine blows itself up on purpose. In the last six

months we've had one engine selfdestruct, which was replaced ($1,800),

only to have the distributor blow up ($600), then the timing belt

($500), and now the whole engine again (another $1,800).

The upshot of all this shit is that I'm thinking I might have to

moonlight in a second job to pay the repair bills. The only trouble is,

when I stopped to think about it, I've been a writer for over 20 years

and I don't know how to do anything else. (Some may argue I also don't

know how to write, but to you I say I know where you live and if you're

not careful I'll park our Nissan in front of your house. KABOOM! EAT

TASTY DEATH!!!!)

So anyway, I found a magazine with one of those aptitude tests that lets

you find out what occupations you're suited for. You simply answer a

questionnaire about your talents (if any), strengths and weaknesses, and

then you find out what line of work is perfect for you.

After taking the test, I found out that the perfect job for me is Mass

Murderer. This gave me pause at first, but the more I thought about it,

the more the idea grew (or should I say festered) in my mind. Let's face

it, there are a lot of advantages to being a Mass Murderer:

The hours are flexible.

You can work out of your home.

You gain a lot of fame: TV and newspaper reporters will fall all over

you and you get a nifty mug shot of yourself posted in every post

office. Not to mention the quickie books and the madeforTV movies.

You can think of a cool nickname for yourself, like Son Of Sam, or Jack

The Ripper, or Willie The Wacko.

There's job security: Once you're caught, you have guaranteed room and

board and even free clothes for the rest of your life. Talk about an

ironclad retirement plan!

But of course there are drawbacks:

It's extremely hard to dig shallow graves in your backyard during the

winter when the ground is frozen. So it's sort of seasonal work.

It can be really embarrassing when the dog drags in severed body parts

while you're hosting a dinner party.

You might accidentally hijack a stranger who is driving a Nissan and die

a horrible death.

COFFEE, TEA OR WHO?

The next closest job I found I was suited for was Bike Gang Leader. At

first I thought it might be sort of fun to be the leatherclad leader of

the pack, with the cool denim vest with "Heck's Angels" emblazoned

across the back. But then I started to think of the startup cost. I

don't have any cool leathers. I don't have a Harley chopper. And I don't

have a gang. All these things cost money. So the overhead is high. Also

the dental plan sucks.

So forget that one.

I put on the quiz that I liked to travel to exotic places, liked to work

at a job where there is always a cart of hooch nearby and am also

interested in a career that involves broadcasting, especially while

wearing women's clothes.

The test results suggested I become an airline stewardess. I gave this

some thought and my only concern is that, as far as I know, airline

stewardesses don't make a big whack of cash. Plus people barf on you.

The only way I could see making this job pay is to follow this plan:

Once the plane takes off, look terrified and say things like "What was

that?

I've never heard that noise before. Oh shit. We're GOING DOWN!!!"

Next, when you're pushing the cart around, you say as follows: "Coffee?

Tea? Parachutes? Life insurance policies in asphalt, fire and bomb

resistance cases?" You could clean up.

I went to the interview but the airline folks said my legs were too

hairy.

I just wish those pilots would stop calling for dates.

LIGHT INDUSTRIAL

I also stressed on the questionnaire that I wanted a profession that

would allow me to sleep on the job pretty well most of the time. But

this turned out to be another dead end: Mattress testers don't make

much, I'm too young to be elected to the Senate and the TTC says it

already has enough subway drivers.

It's cold out there in the ol' job market.

This is a true story: A friend of mine was having trouble getting along

withsome of his coworkers, so the company sent him to a psychologist

to see if he was antisocial. The shrink handed my friend a list of jobs

and asked which one he felt best suited for. The list included social

worker, minister, doctor and other caring, sociallyintegrated

professions.

He circled the last job on the list: Lighthouse keeper.

MAKE MONEY FAST

Anyway, I'm still looking for that moonlight job. Money is tight. One

guy I know suggested that maybe I could save a few bucks if I quit

drinking beer. I listened very carefully to his wise advice. And then I

killed him.

It turned out just as I thought.

Shallow graves are very hard to dig when your backyard is frozen solid.

Maybe if I bought a freezer?

YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS WHEN.....

A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.

You take an assertiveness training course and

you're afraid to tell your wife.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.

You have to take out a loan just to get money for

the down payment.

Your children's school calls to surrender.

The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.

Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.

Your plants do better when you _don't_ talk to them.

All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.

Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome

prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of

tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is.

Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored

six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare

hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking

down the trail yesterday and a fifteenfoot rattler slid out from under

a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands,

bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. "And I'm still

here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with is

penis.

(Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song)

Dere once was a story bout a man named Bill,

da poor president couldn't keep his willie still.

Then one day he was working at his desk

When in comes Monica and shows him her chest.

Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.

Ya'll kneel down now, ya hear?

Well da next ting ya know Monica's on her knees

Mouth open wide and happy as you please.

Bill says "oh yeah don't say a ting

If you do a good job we'll have a fling".

Blow job, that is. White House scandal

Well Bill lost his cool and he came upon her dress,

He said clean it up cuz you really look a mess.

And you're invited here to this locality,

to have a heaping helping of little Willie C.

Week after week Monica's on her knees

Keeping little Willie C as happy as you please

Then one day she contain herself no more

She let out her story about being a White House whore.

Bad girl that is, blow jobs and bodacious ta ta's

Now we know loose lips sink ships and Monica's a whore

Hillary is still a bitch, and Bill is still a bore.

The country's in the toilet and the people cry "No More!"

But if we oust the cheating jerk we have to live with Gore.

Boob that is, one great big one. Gots his head stuck in a tree.

So now you heard the story bout our Preserdent

Wonderin if dis little fling will cost him every cent

So da moral of da story is to do it quietly

Don't lust for your interns sexual hospitality.

YA'LL CUM BACK NOW, YA HERE!!

In light of the rising frequency of human grizzly bear conflicts, the

Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and

fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in

the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so

as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise

outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with

a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and

grizzly bear scat. Black bear scat is smaller and contains lots of

berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it and

smells like pepper.

Two pakistanis boarded a shuttle out of washington

for new york.One sat in the window seat,the other in

the middle seat.Just before takeoff, a fat little

Indian guy got on & took the aisle seat next to the 2

pakistanis.He kicked off his shoes,wiggled his toes &

was settling in when the pakistani in the window seat

said,"I think I'll go up & get a coke."

"No problem," said the Indian,"I'll get it for u."

While he was away,the pakistani picked up the shoe &

spat in it.When the Indian returned with the coke,the

other pakistani said,"That looks good.I think I'll

have one too."

Again, the Indian obligingly went to fetch it.And

while he was gone, the pakistani picked up the shoe &

spat in it. The Indian returned with the coke & they

all sat back & enjoyed the short flight to new york.

As the plane was landing the Indian slipped his feet

into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened,

"How long must this go on," the Indian asked,"This

enmity between our people.....this hatred....this

animosity.....this spitting in shoes & pissing in the

cokes."

A couple go to Mexico City for vacation and go to a

famous local restaurant.

They ask the waiter's opinion about whats on the menu

would be good, and he tells them they have a special

each Sunday that's wonderful, so they order it. With

great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver

serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat,

juices dripping, which both smelled and tasted

delicious.

The couple was more than satisfied and asked the

waiter just what the meat dish was. "Senior, each

Saturday night, we have the bull fights, and that was

the bull's balls you ate, good si?!

They were taken aback by what they had just eaten, but

it was delicious and more than enough for two. Six

months later, they were back in Mexico City and

decided to go to the same same restaurant. Feeling

adventuresome, they agreed to order the same dish.

Once again, to great fanfare the waiter brought out

the huge silver serving dish and placed it on the

table. This time there were two tiny pieces of meat,

barely enough for one.

The man says, "excuse me, but the last time we were

here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than

enough for two. Why is this dish so small?"

The waiter smiles and replies, " Well you see sir,

sometimes the bull wins!"

Subject: Fwd: Spot

A young man was delighted to finally be

asked home to meet the parents of the young

woman he'd been seeing for some time. He

was quite nervous about the meeting, though,

and by the time he arrived punctually at the

doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute

flatulence, and halfway through the canapes

the young man realized he couldn't hold it in

one second longer without exploding. A tiny

fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's

mother to the family dog, lying at the young

man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the

young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot!" she called out sharply.

"I've got it made," thought the fellow to

himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let

loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here

before he shits on you!"

A friend sent these to us. I hope I haven't offended anyone with

them.

What do you call 500 Indian women without any nipples?

The Indianippleless 500.

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

A. Very satisfying.

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?

He wouldn't ask for directions.

What do you get when you cross Michael Jordan and a groundhog?

Six more weeks of basketball.

What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

What goes "marc marc"?

A dog with a harelip.

What is the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

What are 3 two letter words that mean short?

Is it in?

What is the definition of cowboy foreplay?

Git in the truck, bitch.

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts.

Why don't they have blind skydivers?

It scares the shit out of the dogs.

Why don't Pygmies wear tampons?

They keep stepping on the strings.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish

funeral?

One less drunk.

What do you do when you come across an elephant?

Wipe it off.

What is the fourth biggest lie?

It is only a cold sore.

Why was time out called at the leper hockey game?

There was a faceoff in the corner.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?

When you see your motherinlaw backing off a cliff in your new

mercedes.

Where does virgin wool come from?

The sheep the herders couldn't catch.

Why did the blonde snort Nutrasweet?

She thought it was Diet Coke.

What is the last thing that runs through a bug's mind when he hits

the

windshield?

His ass

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer

or

spend

a lot of time in airports, this one is for you. It's a classic! In

tribute

to those 'special' customers we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for

being

smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a

passenger

who

probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was

canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced

travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped

his

ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight

and it

has

to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,

but

I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to

work

something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the

passengers

behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am? "

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public

address

microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice

bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the

gate

WHO

DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,

please

come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man

glared

at

the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll

have

to

stand in line for that, too.

Santa's really Bitter

T'was the night before Christmas Old Santa was pissed

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list

Miserable brats, ungreatful little jerks

I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damm near a year

Instead of " Thanks Santa " what do I hear

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money The reindeer all fight

Rudolf got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has Aids

just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes If that ain't damm funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money

And the kids these days they are all the pits

They want the impossible ... Those mean little shits

I spent the whole year making wagons and sleds

Assenbling dolls .. Their arms, legs and heads

I made tons of yo yo's request for them

They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM !

If you think that's bad... just picture this

Try holding those brats... with their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose they grab at my beard

And if I don't smile... the parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job...There's just no enjoyment

"I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason

I found me a blonde...I'm going south for the season!!

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss

sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but

come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB

radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the

dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull

bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and

squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt

me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in

the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass

off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from

the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the

problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the

truck."

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife

made no attempt to restrain her fiveyearold son, who was

ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to

say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to

the poisons."

Man, it's been a relatively long time (3 weeks) since I've had a

weekend edition. Feels kind of good to get myself out of the

"format" of the daily thing and just shoot the shit with you.

Jennifer starts this week off with:

I just got thru the company's Emergency Disaster Procedures.

We addressed the alarms and broadcast messages that would

accompany fires, bomb threats, floods, etc. The moderator

was asked by a new employee, "why won't there be an alarm if

there's an earthquake?"

Kathy tells me about her schoolteacher blonde friend. "We'd

been 'dispatched' by our husbands to get some beer. We'd

walked into a real scuzzy dive where we were definitely the

only women. I asked for a six pack of Bud Light and paid the

guy. 'Judi' was then asked what she needed. In a clear voice

which could be heard all over the room, she asked, 'How many

are in a sixpack'?"

Gary was in church singing "Heavenly Sunshine". He got to

thinking about how moonlight is so much prettier than sunlight

sometime. As it turns how he was asked to pick the next

hymn. He said, "We just sang Heavenly Sunshine, how about

'Heavenly Moonshine'?" The pastor just laughed and said, "I

don't think we know that one, son."

Dave relates this true Thanksgiving story: I'd put something in

the microwave and set the timer for 1 minute (1:00). As soon

as the timer started counting down, the "Judi" in our family

said, "Hey your microwave is broke, too, just like mine at

home. Everytime you put in one hundred it jumps right to 59 . .

. 58 . . . 57 . . . "

Kent told me about this: A few weeks ago I was working with a

group when the subject of smoking came up. Judi said she

used to smoke 3 packs a day, but had now cut back to 2

packs a day after they removed her left lung.

Mike said: We used to babysit a 5 year old girl. One day, she

was sitting at the table, holding her fists around shoulder level,

moving them up and down alternately. Every few seconds,

she'd turn her head to the left and say "You stupid idiot". We

asked her what she was doing. "I'm driving", she replied. I said

"That's not how you drive". She said "That's how Mommy

drives".

You've all seen the sentimental MasterCard

commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard

commercial targeted just for men:

(No offense ladies just enjoy it for what it's worth)

Cover charge: $15.00

Round of drinks: $23.00

Table dance: $30.00

Another round of drinks: $23.00

Couch dance and tips: $50.00

A round of shots: $34.00

Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00

Send her on her way and never

have to hear her complain: Priceless

There are some things that money can't buy.

For everything else, there's MasterCard.

****************************

One day there was a convention of all persons interested in the study of

ghosts. This paranormal convention attracted people from all over the

country.

The moderator looked out over the packed hall and saw about four or five

hundred people in the audience. He was so pleased he addressed the

audience and said he would like to have by a show of hands just how many

people attending had actually seen a ghost.

Well most everyone raised their hand. Then he decided to ask how many

people had had a conversation with a ghost. This time there weren't as

many but a reasonably impressive amount.

Then he decided to find out if anyone has ever had sex with a ghost. He

looked out over the audience and no one it seemed had raised their hand.

But wait, in the far back balcony one man had raised his hand. The

moderator was delighted and said, "Please sir, please come down here on

stage."

The man came down on stage and the moderator said, "This is fantastic.

You mean you have actually had sex with a ghost?"

The man just looked at the moderator and replied, "Oh, I thought you

said goat."

*************************

Older couple lying in bed.

He had his leg over her and calmly asked

"Am I getting on or getting off?"

*************

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest

daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear....a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One

night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The

daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the

mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's

room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do

that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

***********************

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during

their honeymoon. When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their

sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get

home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the

door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down

with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. The shot killed

all the germs inside her except for three.

These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over

their survival plans.

One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot.

I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear...I don't

think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15

pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

*****************

An elderly and not overly smart man took his very much younger date

to see a movie. Instead of watching the movie though, they are kissing,

hugging and fondling each other. As things are getting more heated by

the moment the man's very expensive toupee gets knocked off.

Of course, right away he starts trying to find it and in the dark, his

hand accidentally gets in under his date's dress.

She, feeling quite aroused by all the kissing and such, breathes into

his ear "That's it........that's it!".

The man thinks for a second and then replies, "Hell, it couldn't be!

I had mine parted on the side! "

******************************

A young boy is taking a walk in the woods and he walks by a lake. The

boy looked in the water and saw a naked girl swimming. She called to

him to come on in. He ran away from there as fast as he could.

Later the boy returned after the girl had gotten out and gotten dressed.

The girl asked him why he had run away.

The boy replied, "Mom told me that if I look at a naked girl, I will

turn into stone....and she was right! My dick had already become as

hard as a rock!!

************

RECOMMENDED READING

"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum

"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily

"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic

"Thirty yards to the outhouse" by Will E. Makeit

(illustrated by Betty Wont)

"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns

" How To Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich

"Discoutn Alternatives" by Robin Stuff

"A Snake in the Toilet" by Hung Well

"How To Save Time" by Terry A. While

"Fourteen Days in the Saddle" by Major Ashburn

"The Hawaiian Princess" by Komoni Wonna Leia

"Something is Missing" by Hubija Kokov

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore ?

A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party... and a bitch sleeps with

everyone at the party....... except you.

*****************************************************

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is

total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and

blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about

the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

***************************

Bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:

HONK! If you had sex with the President

Clinton: We forgive you... Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery is not a family value

Does character matter YET?

One More Whore And We Get Gore

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.

Save the President: Legalize Perjury

Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father

******************************************

Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette

break"

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown"

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded

6. Morning scedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap

5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying "Go down to the

big pile of cigarette butts..."

4. You get matress fires more often than haircuts

3. You smoke during sex.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pinklunged sissy boys"

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a

"nonsmoking" iron lung.

A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in

front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any

practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up

the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke

down, she'd offer the man in the car a place to stay for the

night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be jarred

awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a

sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!". Of course usually the guy

would pay and she'd let him go.

Well one day a car broke down, and the man had to stay

the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at

night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the

sign "$50 or I'll bite."

The man just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"