An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself

beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying

something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held

the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic."

Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like

rubber."

Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and

feels like rubber."

The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his

thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and

licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber,

has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is.

Where did you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an

equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a

dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch

the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look

up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with

dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and

went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their

new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the

dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was

able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped

the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced

the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's

forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his

head.

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he

sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until

someone does?

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that

his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much

and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Therefore: he came to be known as a (groan):

"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street

with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop

pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously

drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm

drunk?"

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I

thought I was a cripple."

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a

bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION

ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at

the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my

wife."

The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a

table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the

children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so

wanted them to work on it there.

She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and

she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

(Thanks, Night Bliss!)

A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there where three

t-shirts on display for sale.

The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white

mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK

The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the

white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK

And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and under her

it was titled: NOT MILK

Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel

on his way to an important address.

Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking

out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the

road, and he hits in with the car.

Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is

going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Hitler

what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a

hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the

address and worry about it later.

All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted

person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the

pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they

arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and

let them know what happened.

Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries

back down the road.

Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and

bread and his breath smelling of liquor.

Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the

chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm

where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave

them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale

I've ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile

young daughter and then sent me on my way."

Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly

did you tell them?"

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.

After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air

waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a

hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts

to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily

again.

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds

sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.

Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Hey dear, I think it's time

to tell our little turtle he is adopted."

***********************************************

Two blondes are in a railway station.

"Can I take this train to Boston?" asks the first.

"No," answers the Railroad man.

"Can I?" asks the second blonde.

********************************************

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring

around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed

this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a

Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into

my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I

think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great

desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what

the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need

them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could

sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded

to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this

wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years---

raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the

Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's

pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE

WRONG FEET!".

***********************************

Q. What's the difference between a church and a movie theater?

A. In a church they say: Pray in the name of Jesus!"

In a movie theater they say: "Shut up, for Christ's sake!"

********************************************

In Baltimore, there's a 60-year-old "Lady of the Night" listed

in the Yellow Pages.

In fact, She's the oldest trick in the book!

******************************************************

DEAR ABBY

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a

middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her

mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've

never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you

think they could be Lebanese?

-Curious

Dear Abby,

I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even

sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the

pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my

boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well

enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I

confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it

would never happen again.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was

raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I

get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour

every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank

until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,

Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little

gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he

finally did it.

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going

through her mental pause.

Dear Abby,

My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like

to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think

he'd like?

-Carol

Dear Carol,

Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

Dear Abby,

Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a

ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me,

can a baby this big be that early?

-Wondering

Dear Wondering,

The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

Dear Abby,

I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's

still chasing women. Any suggestions?

-Annie

Dear Annie,

Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he

ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

Dear Abby,

I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I

can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

-Sam

Dear Sam,

Yes. Run for public office

Dear Abby,

What inspires you most to write?

-Ted

Dear Ted,

The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Dear Abby,

I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age

with no bad habits.

-Rose

Dear Rose,

So would I.

Dear Abby,

What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

-Bess

Dear Bess,

Night and day.

*******************************************************************

Spanking the Monkey

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the

cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a

few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits

the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the

poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips

his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give

the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out

a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back

and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that" said the trucker.

The man said "Yeah".

The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"

The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

(Thanks to Joe Waterer!)

*************************************

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.

Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy

of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times,

furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see

that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did

anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one

REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one

time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group

of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed

down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they

were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out

my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight

up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather

jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked

up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle

around me.

So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the

head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest

of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a

bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a

lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

****************************

These three teenage girls were roommates. One friday night right after

the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance

all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know

you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed

up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You

know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all

smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a

thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her

panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud

<THWOP!> noise.

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

***************************

(poem based on The Raven, by Edgar Allen Poe.)

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

By Anonymous

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,

System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,

Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing

spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the

drawer I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,

Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing.

Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.

"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"

One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,

Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?

These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.

Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.

The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.

Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,

From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,

Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,

Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.

But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.

Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,

Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.

I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.

Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,

Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.

Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.

Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.

Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.

And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.

A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.

The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.

Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.

What demonic nether world is wrought where lost data will be stored,

Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?

But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,

You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,

Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

***********************

OXYMORONS

Act naturally

Found missing

Resident alien

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Safe sex

Airline food

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Government organization

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

British fashion

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Soft Rock

Butt head

Military intelligence

Software documentation

New classic

"Now, then ..."

Synthetic natural gas

Passive aggression

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Temporary tax increase

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Religious tolerance

One man crew

**Microsoft Works** (my favorite!)

********************************

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

****************

The train is leaving the station. A man yells through an

open window to another man, still standing on the platform:

"Thank you for a wonderful weekend. And tell your wife

she's better in bed than anyone else".

Another passenger then says:' Excuse me, how can you tell

someone that his wife is better in bed than any other

woman?"

"Well, it isn't true, but Jones is a nice man, and I just

wanted to be polite."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man

standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright

pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume

bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man

and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess

who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

*************************

Q: Why God made man first?

A: He didn't want Eve standing around telling him how to make a man

**************

The Jargon Jungle

- Alpha: Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting

user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

- Beta: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released.

Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

- Computer: Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by

Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow

Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered

his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On

April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File

Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after

Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

- CPU: Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It

consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel

that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286,

a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.

- Default Directory: Black hole. Default directory is where all files

that you need disappear to.

- Error message: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place

blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

- File: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name.

It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet -

except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an

electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

- Hardware: Collective term for any computer-related object that can

be kicked or battered.

- Help: The feature that assists in generating more questions. When

the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through

a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without

learning anything.

- Input/Output: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible

data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

- Interim Release: A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

- Memory: Of computer components, the most generous in terms of

variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

- Printer: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main

parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

- Programmers: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high

school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and

Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create

"user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

- Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also

used to compensate for that short table leg.

- Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by

estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

- User-Friendly: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept

that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

- Users: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.

Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

- Novice Users: People who are afraid that simply pressing

a key might break their computer.

- Intermediate Users: People who don't know how to fix their computer

after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

- Expert Users: People who break other people's computers.

~~~~~~

Ok, we did the Necrophile joke, then the fundamentalist Dog

joke, now I'm *definitely* going to hell for this one:

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer

from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and

sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he

calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.

Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the

gathering. "Yes Jesus,how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just

then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with

his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No

one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!"

Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . .Paul", he calls.

Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There

he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and

both legs and throws him back into the crowd.

Jesus yells out once again , "Paul,...Paul". Paul , who is now

lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of

the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion

finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He

goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of

the crowd.

Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks,

"Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?"

Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states,"Oh

nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house

from here!"

~~~~~~

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this

creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and

removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail

to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense

committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the

defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can

accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he

detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NUMBERS OF THE BEAST

660 -- Approximate number of The Beast

DCLXVI -- Roman numeral of The Beast

666.000000 -- Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 -- Number of the Millibeast

/666 -- Beast Common Denominator

0.005015 -- Reciprocal of the Beast.

666i -- Imaginary number of The Beast

1010011010 -- Binary number of The Beast

443556 -- Square of the Beast

2.8235 -- Log of the beast

6.5913 -- Ln Beast

1.738E289 -- Anti-log of the beast

6.66E2 --Scientific number of the Beast

29A -- Hexadecimal number of the Beast

666! -- Factorial of the Beast

665.99999973 -- Intel Pentium number of the Beast

6, uh... what was that number again? -- Number of the Blonde Beast

1-666 -- Area code of The Beast

00666 -- Zip code of The Beast

[email protected] -- E-mail address of the beast

http://www.666.org/ -- Web-page of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 -- Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!

Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.

$665.95 -- Retail price of The Beast

$55.50 -- Monthly cost of the Beast in twelve easy equal monthly

installments

$699.25 -- Price of The Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 -- Price of The Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$656.66 -- WalMart price of The Beast

$646.66 -- Next week's WalMart price of The Beast

Phillips 666 -- Gasoline of The Beast

Route 666 -- Way of The Beast (Highway to Hell)

666 Minutes -- Weekly news program about the Beast

666 F -- Oven temperature for roast Beast

664 & 668 -- Neighbours of the Beast

666k -- Retirement plan of The Beast

666 mg -- Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

6.66 % -- 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National

Bank, $666 minimum deposit.

Lotus 6-6-6 -- Spreadsheet of The Beast

Word 6.66 -- Word Processor of The Beast

i66686 -- CPU of The Beast

666-i -- BMW of The Beast

666SLK -- Mercedes of The Beast

666 Sunset Strip -- Old T. V. series about the Beast soon on

Nick-At-Nite

DSM-666 (revised) -- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of The Beast

Windows 666 -- Bill Gates' personal Beast

******************

(There's some site that generates these, but I know not where. Someone

send a reference for us, please---Thorn)

Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you

do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our

children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him

is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute

thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word

itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"

and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in

my brain, because later I might think I'm having a good idea but it's

just eggs hatching.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet

it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading

a magazine.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,

looking through your stuff.

**************

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

*************

A man, along with his extraordinarily beautiful date, walks into a very

posh Rodeo Drive furrier.

The man says to the shop owner, "Please show the lady your finest mink!"

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an

absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the

furrier stands next to the man and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that

particular fur goes for $65,000."

"That's no problem, we'll take it!" said the man, "I'll just write you a

check!"

"Very good, sir." said the shop owner. "But since today is Saturday,

you'll have to come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has

cleared the bank."

So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show

your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"

The man just grinned and said, "I'm sorry, but I just had to come by!"

"Why Bother?" the steamed shop owner replied.

"I wanted to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

***************************************

Q: Why don't blonde women pass the driving test the 1st time?

A: Because whenever the car stops, they hop in the back seat.

Q: Why were shopping carts invented?

A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Q: How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?

A: With a crowbar.

********************************************

Famous Last Words (Part 1)

I'll get a world record for this.

Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

Hey there's no handles inside these car doors!

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

Here's my Kent State student ID.

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

What does this button do?

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

Can we get a vision plan?

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

No, my shoes aren't untied.

The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

**********************************************

Buddy, the First Dog, has called a news conference for 11:00 a.m. today.

ABC's Sam Donaldson is speculating that he will announce his intention

to have his master neutered.

**********************************************

Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior

Citizen'.

You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out

entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar

she gave you for your birthday.

**************

Prisons

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each

prisoner?

Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my

house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think

they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate

electricity.

And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked

up to the generator.

************

Why am I so Tired?

For a couple of years, I've been blaming it on getting little sleep,

low iron, poor blood, lack of vitamins and a dozen other maladies.

Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The

population of the United States is 237 million, and 104 million are

retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do

the work.

Take out the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments,

and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

With 11,998 people in prisons now, that leaves just two people to do

the work. You and me.

And you're just sitting there screwing around reading this email!!!!

***************************

Humorous MisQuotes

"I am a jelly doughnut"

- English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

"We pray for MacArthur's erection."

- sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was

considering a run for President

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

- from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."

- Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

*****************************************

You Can't Kiss The Blarney Stone But...

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the

group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats

are uncomfortable the food is terrible. It's too hot, it's too cold,

the accommodations are awful, etc..

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone."Good luck

will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"

the guide said."Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no

one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some

other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone

who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the irritated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

************************************************************

The Scots

*** A lot of ethic groups are known for being tight with money.

Other groups are known to drink too much. Some groups are

even known for being people of few words. Only the Scots

however have combined all these traits and thrown in a kilt

and bagpipes for good measure.

*** The Scot told his wife, "Be sure now to take off your new eye

glasses if you're not looking at anything."

*** As I said, Scots are known to be frugal. But one guy was

carrying things a bit too far. It seems he slept with his

mother-in-law to save wear and tear on the bride.

*** A Scot meets a friend at a train station and explains he's

off to Glasgow on his honeymoon. His friend asks, "And just

where is your wife."

"She's seen Glasgow." the groom replied.

*** Mr MacTavish was very sick. His wife sat at his bedside

after the doctor had said no more could be done. The man

said, "I don't think I'm going to make it through the nite."

The wife replied, "I've got to finish my chores, but if

you feel yourself slipping away before I return, please be

sure to blow out the candle."

***************************************

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex.

The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo"..

The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours

and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's

really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister

likes this position too'..... Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

**************************************

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

(For Non-science majors, exothermic is when something releases heat

and endothermic is when something generates heat)

This is a true story

A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for

his graduate students. It had one question.

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using

Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the

following:

"First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.

So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate

are souls leaving"

I think that we can safely assume that once a

soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that

exist in the world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of

their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one

of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion,

we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth

and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell

to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states

that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay

the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay

constant.

#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at

which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell

will increase until all hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the

increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop

until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Jennifer

Smith during Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I

still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2

cannot be true, and hell is exothermic."

The student got an A

********************************************

Here is an urgent discovery which everyone needs to know about

Humor: (Religious fanatics take note: this is on the edge, but really funny

anyway.)

1. Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR.

2. Change all the U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway): CVTE PVRPLE

DINOSAVR.

3. Extract all the Roman numerals: C, V, V, L, D, I, V.

4. Convert these numerals to Arabic values: 100, 5, 5, 50, 500, 1,

5. Add them up: 666.

There you have it - proof that Barney is the Antichrist!

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade

6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started

writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle

from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you

for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had

forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of

the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from

another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the

punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three

weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she

turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time

there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She

quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

~~~~~~

Jon was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang. On

the line was Judi.

"Jon, I heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong

way on I-70. I know that's they way you come home. Please

be careful!"

Jon said, "Hell, it's not one -- it's hundreds of 'em!"

*******************************************************************

Obscene Phone Call

A little old ladies phone rings late one night and she answers it.

"Hello," a deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you’d like me

to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body

all over and make rough love to you."

The old lady looks at the phone blushing and in amazement and replies,

"You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"

(Thanks, Falcon!)

********************************************

Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.

********************************************

A young boy is down at a popular secluded beach, the south end of which

permits nude bathing.

After much wandering around with wide-eyed wonder, the boy approaches

his father and says "Dad, why do some men have little cocks, and other

men have big cocks?

Taken aback, but quick with an answer, the well endowed father replies

"Well son, it's like this. All the men with big cocks are really smart,

and all of the men with small cocks are dumb bastards!"

The boy nods, and pauses to digest this new information.

Dad says "where's your mum?"

The boy replies "She's down behind the bushes with some dumb guys, but

they're getting smarter by the minute!"

(Thanks to Shane Brierly!)

***************************

Q. Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

A. Because it heard that the referee was blowing fouls

*******************

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems

selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to

sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He

owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter

in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to

sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About

one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your

car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on

it."

*************************************************

6.9 cent long distance calls within the U.S.?!?!?

http://LD.NET/6.9/shunt

*************************************************

WINE & LIFE

Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our

job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into

something which you'd like to have dinner with"

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and

intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they

go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

*****************************

Kinder, Gentler Bombs!!!

I'd like to say that the following is a joke, but unfortunately it

isn't. This from the same Government that won't let us put Merry

Christmas in our Post Offices!!

_______

The following was taken from the Opinion page of the Savannah Morning

News, 23 December 1998.

"In a move straight out of a "Saturday Night Live" skit, the Department

of Defense on Monday announced it was upset with politically incorrect

graffiti scribbled on one of the bombs dropped on Iraq last week.

Pentagon officials saw an Associated Press photo taken during the

four-day bombing campaign that showed a 2000-pound laser-guided bomb on

the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise in the Persian Gulf with an

inscription that said, "Here's a Ramadan present from Chad Rickenberg."

The Clinton administration was not amused at this breach of bombing

etiquette. "Department of Defense officials were distressed to learn of

thoughtless graffiti mentioning the holy month of Ramadan written on a

piece of U.S. ordnance during "Operation Desert Fox" in Iraq", chief

Pentagon spokesman Kenneth Bacon said in a statement Monday. "Religious

intolerance is an anathema to Secretary of Defense William S. Cohen and

to all Americans who cherish the right to worship freely," he added.

"The United States deeply respects Islam."

______________

Imagine the nerve of some sailor insulting Moslems right before they're

bombed, maimed and killed. It is irrelevant whether the victims could

read the graffiti as the bombs plummeted toward their homes. Clearly

what counts is the expression of the offending thought, not the fact

that people are being blown to smithereens.

Although the Geneva Convention is silent on the matter, we salute the

Pentagon for insisting on politically correct bombings. We suggest in

the future that all U.S. armed forces paint yellow smiley faces on the

ordnance and adopt as its official wartime slogan: It's not personal,

it's just business."

There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

***************************************************

ALWAYS TRUST THE EXPERTS

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."

-Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."

--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked

with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a

fad that won't last out the year."

--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"

--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,

commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken

Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered

as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to

us."

-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would

pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"

--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment

in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better

than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."

--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's

paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to

found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"

--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not

Gary Cooper."

--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone

With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports

say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you

make."

-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."

--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."

--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The

literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."

--Spencer Silver, on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M

"Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,

even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding

us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary,

we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.'

So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need

you. You haven't got through college yet.'"

--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and

H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and

reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against

which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily

in high schools."

--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary

rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all

of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just

have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable

condition of weight training."

--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by

inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?

You're crazy."

--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill

for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."

--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de

Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."

--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".

--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the

intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".

--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed

Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."

-- Bill Gates, 1981

********************************************

These two blondes walk into a building.

You'd think one of them would have seen it.

********************************************

A pretty girl is driving through the west. Her car runs out or gas, and

an Indian comes along on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station.

Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.

Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yaaaaaa-Hoooooo!" and gallops

off.

"My god!" says the gas station guy. "What were you doing to that indian

to make him holler like that?"

"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms

around him, holding onto his saddle horn."

"Lady..." says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."

***************

An ANAGRAM, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or

rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following is

quite interesting:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

.

.

.

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS.

*********************

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers.

"God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.

The next day, the Grandfather died.

About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers

again.

"God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more

than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the

father once again overheard his sons prayers.

"God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything

but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He

stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went

home. He was still alive!

When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a

very bad day at work today."

"YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman

dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

____________________________________________

Happy weekend to you! Last week I talked about my impend-

ing divorce and asked you for your divorce stories. Y'all, as

usual, didn't disappoint me. I thought I'd share some of them

with you:

Ed told me his friend was going thru a divorce and told him "I

call my ex-wife Maranda. She used everything I ever said

against me in a court of law."

Diana said, After my recent breakup and the hell I went through,

I quickly dropped a few pounds. Not quite Ally-McBeal-

thin but close. I ran into a friend of mine who was surprised at

the quick change and commented, "Damn, you've lost a lot of

weight". My response to him, "Yep, lost 220 pounds of fat

German bastard".

My good friend Doc was telling me he and his wife were

splitting up the debts and assets. The main asset, of course,

was the house. My ex's *truly* serious suggestion: "Since the

house payment is a little more than the credit card payments,

I'll do you a favor and take the house and the house payment

and you can take the credit card debt." (Did you divorce Judi,

Doc?)

Di's hairdresser friend caught her husband fooling around with

a customer and promptly kicked him out. A few days later,

she received a call from the woman whom her husband had

been fooling around with. The woman said, "I know this is a

difficult situation, but does this mean you won't still cut my

hair?"

Karen was telling me that her to-be-ex, a police officer, asked

the judge to please remind her to re-register a gun he'd given

her in her name. "You see, your honor, to buy it, I had to

register it in my name." The judge said, "Why's this so impor-

tant?" "Because, Your Honor, I don't want to be shot with 'my

own gun'." The judge had to hold a piece of paper in front of his

face to hide his laughter.

Richard said he had a hat that says, "For sale- Ex Wife. Take

over payments."

When Linda was moving out of her place, she'd found a bag of

marijuana seeds in the dresser drawer. She tossed 'em out

into the raised vegetable beds. "A few months later, a friend

called me and told me that my ex had been busted by the cops

for growing pot in the back yard!"

Leo said, "It was all going OK until we split the house. Seems

I got the OUT-side."

Joan said her ex husband would still come by after their split to

do the garden, clean the house. I came home one day to find

him there and we had a fight. He sat on the couch and I stood,

and we yelled back and forth about how he was no longer

welcome in the house. Finally, we calmed down. He

apologized for yelling and I apologized for not telling him his

right testicle was hanging out of his shorts the whole time we

were fighting.

Jodi said: My husband and I are getting a divorce because of

religious differences. I'm Methodist and he's Satan.

*******************************************************************

TOP TEN PSYCHO PICK-UP LINES

10. Wanna swap meds?

9. Can I buy you a spatula?

8. Bet you're wondering why I have no nostrils?

7. Your crawlspace or mine?

6. You look like the kind of person who appreciates catheters.

5. May I lick your forehead?

4. Do you always wear your shoes over your socks?

3. Smeep. Smeep. Smeep.

2. What's your favorite flavor of wood?

1. You've stolen my heart, but thats okay because I have three more

back home in the freezer!

****************************

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

****************************

Only in the US Legal System

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very

expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ....fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars,

and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man

filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man

stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that

the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued...and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a

policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were

insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against

fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it

was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance

company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the

rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

*** This is the funny part ***

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him

arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and

testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the

man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced

to 24 consecutive one year terms.

(Thanks, Falcon!)

*********************************

DEAR SATAN LETTERS COLUMN

Hey, Satan,

Thanks for reading my message. I'm a first time writer, long time

worshipper. I have recently developed an awful case of psoriasis,

and I was wondering if you had any recommendations for a cure. This

may seem like a trifling request of someone of your knowledge and

abilities, yet the psoriasis has actually been of many problems. I

have also suffered from ringworm and tetter. Any ideas? - Itchy in

Wisconsin

Dear Itchy,

I usually prefer humans to suffer, but if you're not as into

suffering as your dark overlord is, might I suggest Blue Star

Ointment? Blue Star Ointment gets to the heart of the matter, soothing

painful, itchy skin, and it also works on the jock itch I'm going to

give you later this year

Call Me Old Scratch,

Satan

___________

Dear Satan,

That Jesus guy's been popping a lot of smack about you. He's been

busting some crazy mad yin-yang in your eye. So who's right here?

You've got a better demographic, right? It sort of stands to reason

that he who controls the coveted 18-34 male demographic must

inevitably control the afterlife, right? - dave-fu

Dear Dave-Fu,

Let me put it this way, would you rather spend eternity with the

people from a Jimmy Swaggart revival, or with people from a White

Zombie concert?

Looking Forward to Tormenting You,

Satan

______________

Dear Satan

I have a girlfriend that's quite a bit older. In your eyes is

this wrong and could it lead to trouble? Eleven years is "quite a

bit".- Unsigned

Dear Unsigned,

As long as you are over the age of 10, I don't really see the

problem. Older women know what they want, and they know how to get it.

They are more confident, more intelligent, and they also give great

blowjobs. Just remember to blame me when she convinces you to kill her

husband.

Until I Smash Your Skull,

Satan

____________

Dear Satan,

I'm ashamed to admit it, but my sacrificial bloodwine just doesn't

measure up to that of my neighbor, Mrs. Sylvia Johaneson. When we

get together with the ladies for our weekly

Woman-for-Brutal-Dismemberment meetings and Tuperware Parties, I just

know all the girls are comparing our two brews, and hers has a real

zest that mine lacks. I followed all the fermentation instructions in

the Betty Crocker New Satanic Cookbook (combo fresh human/goat blood,

Poison Oak barrel aging for 6 years, 6 months, and 6 days, etc., etc),

but for some reason something's...missing. Any suggestions? Oh, by the

way, the ladies and I would love to have you as a guest of honor if you

can make it! Doris will make her famous better-than-babies brownies.

Thank you ever so much.- Ms. Dora Wellsmite

Dear Ms. Wellsmite,

Good to hear from you again, what a lovely bunch of ladies you

are! When I was just a little devil, my mom (who wasn't no virgin)

used to add just a sprig of nightshade. It adds that little zing

you're missing. Also I find most beverages taste best when drunk out of

a chilled skull. You can pencil me in for sometime in July, I'm doing

Libertarian fundraisers until then.

Keep abusing that handicapped parking pass,

Satan

***********************************

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if

he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your fucking act

together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you

expect me to show it to you."

*******************************************************************

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer

vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing

construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very

large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the

bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.

As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known

came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if

I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt

so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.)

"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared.

"You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

**********************

MORE BAAAAAAHD JOKES

A Big City Woman married a southern hick and brought him to the

big city for the first time. When they first arrived she got them a

hotel room.

As they were lying in bed, she looked over in the corner and

saw a discarded condom. "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed pointing it out

to her new husband.

As he craned his neck to see what it was, he looked at her and asked

"What is it?"

"Why, it's a disgusting used sheepskin condom!" She then asked, "Don't

they use them down in the South?"

"Yeah," he said, "but we don't skin 'em first!"

***********************************************

Top Ten Reasons Sheep are better Than Women

10. You don't have to be in a fraternity.

9. They're always on all fours

8. You don't have to buy them dinner

7. They can't complain

6. Men can run faster

5. Guaranteed to make animal noises

4. Easy entry

3. No foreplay required

2. Wham Bam Thank you Lamb

1. They're always tight

**************************

DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.

CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides;

a closed circle of asses.

CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed

periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment

to Spanish music.

FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so

that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume

wood-pulp.

FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually

receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.

JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on

a Monday morning.

LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a

paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable

background for entry into politics..

LECHER: A stud with liver spots.

LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local

merchants in the wake of a riot.

LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from

Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.

MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the

lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in

their possession.

NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice

shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.

NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.

OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us,

occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage

liner for our neighbor's parakeet.

POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.

QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when

enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.

REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to

become an oppressor.

SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school

popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful

employment on local TV news broadcasts.

STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes

everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity,

serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the

question "How are you?" in the negative.

UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.

URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.

VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the

gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.

WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.

2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the

corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.

X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the

ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be

color-blind hemophiliacs.

ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans...and

those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.

*****************************

Top ten names for Ben & Jerry's new presidential ice cream:

10. Rocky Road Ahead

9. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Cherry Swirl

8. Captain Cream

7. Peppermint Fattie

6. Subpoena Colada

5. Pantstachio

4. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla

3. Hyperactive Nuts

2. Big Banana Blast

1. Impeach-Mint

*********************************

Bizarre News

In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede

with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off

a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head,

fracturing his skull.

And in Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean

out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a

propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second

floors of his house.

In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as

he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was

burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed

in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his

skull as he hit the floor.

According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,

was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23,

who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest

Berrena was wearing.

And in February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta,

27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a

tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in

September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of

dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m.,

the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window

to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that

the window was closed.

Jeffrey J. Pyrcioch, 19, and an alleged accomplice were arrested in

West Lafayette, Ind., in May on theft and fraud charges. Pyrcioch

allegedly cashed checks that he had written with disappearing ink,

apparently believing the checks would be blank by the time they were

presented to the bank for collection. However, traces of ink remained,

and police said Pyrcioch would have a better chance of getting away

with it if he had not used checks pre-printed with his name and

account number on them. [Washington Post, 6-2-96]

(Thanks, Thrash!)

***************************************

The president got a dog so that Hillary wouldn't be confused when she

walked past the Oval Office and heard, "Roll over, sit, stay. Good.

Now here's your bone."

***************************************

COMMENTS ON A RATHER LARGE NOSE

(From the movie "Roxanne", starring Steve Martin)

1. Obvious: Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on

your face?

2. Meteorological: Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.

3. Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if

you wore something larger. Like ... Wyoming.

4. Personal: Well, here we are. Just the three of us.

5. Punctual: Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you

were fifteen minutes late.

6. Envious: Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell

your own ear.

7. Naughty: Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if

you wouldn't mind putting that thing away.

8. Philosophical: You know. It's not the size of a nose that's

important. It's what's in it that matters.

9. Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and

it's goodbye Seattle.

10. Commercial: Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for

$39.95.

11. Polite: Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The

orchestra keeps changing tempo.

12. Melodic: Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."

13. Sympathetic: Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet

with God?

14. Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them

this to perch on.

15. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides.

16. Obscure: Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.

17. Inquiry: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?

18. French: Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles

until you leave.

19. Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.

20. Religious: The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.

21. Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair.

22. Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine!

23. Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning

and smell the coffee ... in Brazil.

24. Appreciative: Oooo, how original. Most people just have

their teeth capped.

25. Dirty: Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?

*******************************

Q. How can you tell the male porno star at the gas station?

A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and

sprays the gas all over the car.

*******************************************************************

*******************************************************************

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first

old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I

cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad,

that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so

bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

**********************

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

************************

DRUNK GUY & THE NUN

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean REALLY,

REALLY,

REALLY drunk. When the bar closed the guy got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.

So the REALLY DRUNK guy stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the

face. Well, the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say

anything the

REALLY DRUNK guy punched her again. This time she fell down and the DRUNK

guy stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and

threw

her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So the

REALLY

DRUNK guy stumbled over to her and said "NOT VERY STRONG TONIGHT, ARE

YOU BATMAN?"

*****************

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is Obsessed With "Star Trek"

10. His car has more Trekkie bumper stickers than paint.

9. Keeps trying to "mind-meld" with your parakeet.

8. Refuses to lend you his hedge trimmer on grounds that it

would violate the Prime Directive.

7. Keeps trying to "beam" stray cats from his microwave to yours.

6. Keeps threatening to fire photon torpedoes at your house, even

though he knows they can't penetrate your shields.

5. His garage door opens sideways and makes that cool "Vsoop" sound.

4. Keeps coming over to borrow a cup of dilithium crystals.

3. Runs out of house with hamsters taped to himself screaming,

"TRIBBLES! TRIBBLES EVERYWHERE!"

2. Continues to watch the show *even though* he has a girlfriend.

1. Talks!... like!... William!.......... Shatner!

****************************

I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary

was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked

what she expected to earn.

She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."

*******************************

(finally a new spin!)

The Princess & The Frog

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks

down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on

the creatures rather hideous appearance...

Princess: My but you are really an ugly frog!

Frog: I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me.

Princess: Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you.

Frog: Look, I told you lady, it's a Really bad spell.

Princess: Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince?

Frog: I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job.

**********

DEAR SATAN MAIL BOX (PART 2)

Dear Satan,

You know that mystery object that comes in the Chicken Patties and

Nuggets that is all nasty and squashy? What is that? - Condor

Dear Condor,

That paste is the amalgamated punished soul of those who spent their

time on earth slaughtering chickens. Please enjoy it, it's part of

their punishment.

See You in Hell,

Satan

__________________

Dear Satan,

This preacher type came by my door the other day and banged on it

loudly. Upon opening the door, he took one look at me and declared

that unless I change my ways that "Satan will soon visit this

household". I have just one question - What kind of beer do you

want when you get here? - Making a beer run in Killeen, TX

Dear Beer Run,

I used to quench my infernal thirst with Coors, but it became a

little too evil for me. Now I usually wrap my devilish lips around a

Blatz or possibly a Sam Adams when I'm feeling classy.

Die in Pain,

Satan

________________

Yo Satan,

Wassup? What is your position on the helmet law for motorcyclists?

Don't you think we have the right to ride without a helmet?

- Unsigned

Dear Unsigned,

Oh most definitely. A helmeted head is a sin. We need our

motorcyclists riding drunk and out of control with their soft, pink

heads exposed to the pavement and oncoming traffic. Anything that

delivers your soul to me more quickly is a good thing.

Drive dangerously,

Satan

__________

Lord Upon High Beelzebub,

I am failing all my classes here at lovely University of Maryland,

due to the fact that I toke up to six times a day, no less than

three. I wanted to know if you all have good Cannabis downstairs? I

really like Marijuana, and I can't live for eternity without it. What

say you, darkest one? Oh yeah, and by the way, could you toss some

genital herpes to my English professor, Mr. Johnson? - Smokey

Dear Smokey,

Of course the best bud is in Hell. We get some stiff competition

from Mexico, but putting a fake, weeping Mary on a subway wall now

and then disrupts trade there pretty well. Keep on your path and I

may load you into a bong and smoke you myself one day. As far as

spreading herpes to your teacher, just have him sleep with your

sister. Yes, it's true.

Fire and Brimstone,

Satan

___________________

Dear hell spawn,

I recently discovered a large second opening directly above my

anus....and it can speak ancient Latin! Should I just ignore his

unholy ramblings, or what? - double o anus

Dear Double O,

Don't worry, I'll be sending you another one as a translator. Just be

happy I don't have it swearing in Swahili, or chattering in Chinese.

Everyone likes Latin.

Sing it brother,

Satan

________________

Dear Satan,

We at CEN would like to invite you to become part of one of the

BEST money making opportunities on the 'Net. Get your piece of the

$75,000 (and growing) we spend monthly with webmasters such as your

self. If you already participate in other click thru programs ...increase

your income by adding CEN to your list of sponsors.

CEN

Dear CEN,

Thank you for considering me for your tasteful and classy offer,

but I'm going to have to tell you to fuck off. Had I wished to be a

whore for your bullshit operation, I would have contacted you

directly, but seeing how a few measly dollars a month doesn't mean

shit to the Prince of Darkness, I suggest you, and all your spamming

brethren, go pursue some sort of more moral business, like selling

crack to teenage prostitutes. In Hell, you will have to write a 10

page letter of apology to everyone who had to read this massive email,

as will the rest of you motherfuckers who play on humankind's greed

and constantly assault normal hardworking sinners with your small

minded scams and losing propositions.

I would suggest that my readers refuse to accept garbage like this,

and if any of my readers ever justify these spams by responding, they

will be turned into food for my herd of pet tapeworms.

Die in Pain,

Satan

*******************************************************************

****************************************

Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash yesterday?

Some dick cut her off!

***************************************

Letter Home From Camp

Dear Mom and Dad,

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is

making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and

worried. We are okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got

washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up

on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't

write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the Search and

Rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark

if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad

for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did

tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?

The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of

our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back..

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It

wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OKAY when we left.

Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something

to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We

think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its

hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot

with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer

until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In

fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on

the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up

there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out

in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and

Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the

canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the

trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like

some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to

cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave

dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up.

Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the

leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail

our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,

Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

**************

While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had this

on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards."

Underneath, someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic."

**************

The king had been overthrown and all in his family, except for one

lunatic brother, were executed. The people looked at the loony royal

in his cell, and said, "It is a shame to let the crazy prince live.

But because of his mental illness, we should not slay him, either, or

there could truly be divine retribution!"

"We can release him, and let him find his own way in the world!

Should his imbecile manner cause him to starve to death, it shall be

upon him: should he make his way, however, then he has earned the

right to live!"

The revolutionaries released the imbecile royal, and sent him away

to sink or swim.

Soon, the young man came to a farm house, and asked for a bite of

food to eat. The peasant farmer said that he had very little to feed

him, save a bowl of beans. The prince took that and wolfed it down.

As it grew dark, the farmer asked the prince if he had anywhere to

stay that night. When told no, the farmer invited him to spend the

night.

Suddenly, the gastric process of digesting the beans hit, and the sound

of flatulence resounded around the hovel... but being ROYAL flatulence,

it was not a simple BRAAAPP of the commoner! Nay, instead, it was a

perfect redition of several bars of a Beethoven symphony.

The farmer was astounded, knowing full well that this could be his

ticket off the farm if he played it right.

Over the next few weeks, the farmer experimented with different,

gas producing foods, until he got the right mix together that the

young man could sustain an entire symphony of flatulence.

Next the farmer went into the city, and rented a music hall!

He sold tickets for the most astounding musical performance ever to

be seen by man. People bought the tickets, and soon he was sold out.

He next brought the prince into town, got him some new, clean

finery with a drop seat so the cloth wouldn't deaden the sound of the

musical gas!

Opening night arrived: the house was full! The farmer led the prince

out into the middle of the stage, had the prince turn around, bend

over, then opened the drop seat of his trousers.

The people were aghast when suddenly, the cheeks parted rhythmically

as the blasts of BRAP BRAP BRAP BRAAAAAAAAAP resounded in the hall!

Suddenly, a man stood up and yelled, "PEOPLE!!! WE'VE WASTED OUR

MONEY COMING HERE. THIS IS NOT ENTERTAINMENT! NO, IT'S NOT

ENTERTAINMENT; IT'S JUST SOME ASSHOLE PLAYING BEETHOVEN!!!"

The farmer looked at the man and said, "It's more than mere

entertainment, good sir! Yes, for this is the fartist formerly known

as Prince!

************************

Sign by a urinal said:

"The same guy who removes the cigarette butts from the urinal,

also puts the ice in your drinks."

************************

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which

will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year

Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to

everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all

employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one

person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after

MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning, I

walked into subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he

had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last

week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put

anything in MYASS before."

I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it

was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it

again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon

initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able

to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required

prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the

business. As you begion using the program, you may put anything into

MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be

commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here,

stick this in MYASS." It will be agreat day when we need data quickly

our employees can respond "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

************

The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the

AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso

Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow

Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter

Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund

Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso

Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel

Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever

Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound

Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog

Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador

Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer

Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute

Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier

Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu

Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed

**************************************

When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss

you off, remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the

trigger of a decent sniper rifle.

*******************************************************************

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights

bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides

that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so

she takes him to a strip club (work with me here).

The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger!

How are you tonight?"

His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here

before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and

says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"

His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"

"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms

around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"

His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.

Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps

into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with

fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you

picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

~~~~~~

Question: Why does Bill Clinton have a clean conscience?

Answer: He's never used it.

~~~~~~

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while

they get separated so the woman goes up to the first

saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a

me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman:

"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly

and a-lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:

"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly

and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here

lickety split."

To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a

my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no

lickety split!"

~~~~~~

Have you asked just ONE friend to sign up for Joke A Day this

year? Please have them mailto:[email protected]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sayings That Should Be On Buttons

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a fucking people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

12. You! Off my planet!

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-

control.

15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

18. If I want to hear the pitta patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on

my

cat.

19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was

flat.

21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

23. God was my copilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had

to eat him.

24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

25. And just how may I fuck you over today?

26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

31. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.

32. Allow me to introduce my selves.

33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

35. Better living through denial.

36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after

them.

38. Adult child of alien invaders.

39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't

fallen asleep yet.

46. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.

47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

52. Adults are just kids who owe money.

53. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

55. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave

the house?

56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

62. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.

66. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

67. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

69. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside

the earth.

71. Earth is full. Go home.

72. Is it time for your medication or mine?

73. Does this condom make me look fat?

74. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch

me?

75. I plead contemporary insanity.

76. And which dwarf are you?

77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

79. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

80. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

81. Meandering to a different drummer.

82. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

83. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

~~~~~~~

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-

law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke

to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted

on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and

started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they

came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up

against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood

facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into

this mess, let him get himself out of it."

~~~~~~

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,

balding man standing at the counter methodically placing

"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over

them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying

scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the

balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm

sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

=--=

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.

One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye

Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God

bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother

was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing. A

month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless

Mommy, goodbye Daddy." His father panicked. He had himself driven,

very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored

security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about

those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very

carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do

you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman

dropped dead on the back porch."

Why aren't you married yet?

=--=

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

What? And spoil my great life?

Nobody would believe me in white.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiance is awaiting parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.

Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

FRUIT CAKE RECIPE

=--=

Ingredients:

4 c. flour

1 c. milk

1 t. baking powder

4 eggs

1 c. white sugar

1 c. brown sugar

2 t. allspice

1 c. walnuts

1 c. filberts

1 c. dried fruit

1 t. cinnamon

1/2 t. cream of tartar

1 fifth Blue Nun Rhine Wine

1. Sift flour and baking powder into large bowl.

2. Check Blue Nun wine for flavor. Drink one glass.

3. Crack eggs and separate whites from jokes.

4. Add milk to mixture.

5. Check wine for bouquet. Drink two glasses.

6. Check batter for proper contistensity.

7. Put your sugars together in a large fluffy bowl.

8. Dice your dried fruit on a butting coard. Add fruit to mixthure.

9. Check whine for fine finish and flavor. Drink two more glasses.

10. Take wallnuts down off wall. Put them into fluffy bowl with your

sugar.

11. Put filberts into fluffy bowl. Whip gently.

12. Throw thinnamon and a cram of tartan over your shoulder. Catch them

in small cup and toss under opposing arm to mixth them thoroughloulouly.

Put one hand over left eye to prevent ddoouubbllee vviissiioonn.

13. Sheck whine for coler. Coler must be lite tan like botm of

filberts. Dink 3 mo dasses an set down pooty fas so u don get

dizzyzyyzzzyyyyy.

14. Grease oven. Get out baking pan and pour remanning whine into it.

Lay on kitchen table and pour whine gentlyyy into yor mouth. Wipe mouf

wif shirtsleeve.

15. Use shlirtshleeve to strain egg mixture. Scraep mixthure off of off

of off off off of off oofffff off off..... uh....... yer....... uh.....

shlirtshleeve and put philberts on top of oven in large fluffy bowl.

16. Finnnnnnnish sucking whine from cakkk pannnnnn with old Hardees

straw while on hans and nees on chicken floor. Sweep chicken floor with

shlirtsleeeve so as to not wast excess tarter cream and sugar and junk

like that.

17. Poot oven on 500 degrees. Move philberts so as notttt to

scorchhhhhhhh.

18. If filbert walnut fluuur mixthrue thtickth to the beaterth of yer

mixther, pry thame off beaterth with a large drewscriver, prolly a phillips

head or mebby somthing from Thears Rowbuck that ith thimilar to thith.

19. Thit in fluffy bowl. Get back up. Thcrape batter off yer rear and

thpread it on top of thtove with a big ol' thpoon or thomthing.

20. Find pair of clean medium size boxther thorts. Thtrech elathtic

over yer head and look in mirrorrorrrrrror in baffoom. Get baking pan out

of baffoom think wheerr ye lefft it and dribblbble whath lefft of whine

into mouf. Wipe excess batter from eyeth with boxther thorts. Return

thoxther thorth to hed. Adjust thorth tho they look gud.

21. Scrape bathter from top of thtove and put into the bargage

sisposder. Turn on sisposder . Winse wemaining filbert with cold wa wa.

22. Take two athburns.

23. Thcrape anny dough from fathe, trush yer beeth, and bo to ged with

boxthers on hed.

24. Thow almarm clock into crash tan, turn on radio moft susic, go to

slep.

~~~~~~

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to

their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came

out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front

of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

~~~~~~

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination.

When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He

has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger.

A nurse standing in the room sees his "Little Willie" and begins

to laugh hysterically.

The young man gives her a stern look and says, "You shouldn't

laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"

~~~~~~

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to

their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came

out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front

of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

~~~~~~

Firearms

=--=

An attorney was driving through the country side when his car failed him. He

looked under the hood and knocked a few items around with a hammer. In the

process he knocked off a gas line and got his arm soaked with gas before

getting it back on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his

surprise it started and he headed for the nearest town for a permanent repair.

To celebrate his success he lit up a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded

into flames. He stuck his arm out the window hoping the wind at 50 miles per

hour would put it out. He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and

given a ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.

Measuring the cold

=--=

+60 Californians put on sweaters.

+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.

+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

+40 You can see your breath.

Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Minnesotans go swimming.

+35 Italians cars don`t start.

+32 Water freezes.

+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.

+25 Ohio water freezes.

Californians weep pitiably

Minnesotans eat ice cream.

Canadians go swimming.

+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.

New York City water freezes.

Miami residents plan vacation further south.

+15 French cars don`t start.

Cat insists on sleeping with you.

+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.

+ 5 American cars don`t start.

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 German cars don`t start.

Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.

Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.

Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.

Politicians actually do something about the homeless.

Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.

Japanese cars don`t start.

-25 Too cold to think.

You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30 You plan a two week hot bath.

Swedish cars don`t start.

-40 Californians disappear.

Minnesotans button top button.

Canadians put on sweater.

Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50 Congressional hot air freezes.

Alaskans close the bathroom window.

-80 Polar bears move south.

Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 Canadian buildings turn off air conditioning.

____________________________________________

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at

home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the

mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all

around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger

mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a

broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the

back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various

items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that

something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on,

reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He

looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here

today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when

you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes, was his reply."

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

"I followed your husband to two bars on Elm Street, three on

Maple, and to the Humpmore Motel," the private eye told his

client.

"Do you think that's enough grounds for me to get a divorce?"

the client asked.

"I'm not sure. He was trailing you!"

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to

pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers

and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he

says.

"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning

to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop

or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the

kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad

to repeat it.

"Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd

screw all night if we'd let her!"

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is

beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and

announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby

escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door

behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE

TWIST!!!"

Oops

=--=

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he

found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper

in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important

document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make

this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,

inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside

the machine. "I just need one copy."

A fond farewell to 1998...

=--=

The people who started college this year were born in 1980.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era and

did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great

Depression.

There has only been one Pope.

They can only really remember one president.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not

remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

"The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.

CCCP is just a bunch of letters.

They have only known one Germany.

They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up.

Tienamin Square means nothing to them.

They do not know who Momar Qadafi is.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

They never had a Polio shot and likely do not know what it is.

Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have

always been plastic.

They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.

Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.

The expression "you sound like a broken record" means

nothing to them.

They have never owned a record Player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never

heard of Pong.

Star Wars looks very fake, and the special effects are pathetic.

There have always been red M&M's, and blue ones are

not new.

What do you mean there used to be beige ones?

They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they

probably have never actually seen or heard one.

The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

Zip codes have always had a dash in them.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have

they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what

Beta is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They were born the year that Walkman were introduced by Sony.

Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

They have never heard of King Cola, Burger Chef, Jack-in-the-Box,

The Globe Democrat, Pan AM or Ozark Airlines.

The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.

They have never seen and remember a game that included the St.

Louis Football Cardinals, Baltimore Colts, Minnesota North Stars,

Kansas City Kings, New Orleans Jazz, Minneapolis Lakers, Atlanta

Flames, Kansas City Scouts, Cleveland Barons, California Golden

Seals, or Colorado Rockies (NHL hockey, that is).

They do not consider the Seattle Mariners, Toronto Blue Jays,

Colorado Rockies (MLB baseball), Florida Marlins, Orlando

Magic, Miami Heat, Minnesota Timberwolves, Toronto Raptors,

Florida Panthers, Ottawa Senators, San Jose Sharks, or Tampa

Bay Lightning "expansion teams."

They don't know that Wayne Gretzky started in the WHA.

WHA? ABA?

They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem

Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII

or even the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a

mile for Camel", or "de plane, de plane!".

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.

The Cosby Show, The Facts of Life, Silver Spoons, The Love

Boat, Miami Vice, WKRP in Cincinnati, Soap, and Taxi are

shows they have likely never seen.

The Titanic was found? I didn't know it was lost.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

They cannot remember the St. Louis Cardinals or Detroit Tigers

ever winning a World Series, or even being in one.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places,

not groups.

McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

Do you feel old now? Remember, the people who don't know

these things are in college this year, and get to vote knowledgeably

about your future.

Wedding Vows

=--=

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an

unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you

get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'

and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd

appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the

minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved

to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it

comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in

the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every

command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your

life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you

will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall

live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a

deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She

made me a much better offer."

_____________________________________________________________

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that

she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could

satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of

all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment

from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled

the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the

streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an

unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her

eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and

then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had

already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a

note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go

out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

~~~~~~

A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-

worker in the hospital. "How are things at the office going,

Claudia ?" she asked.

"Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee,

Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making it

with the Boss."

~~~~~~

A man's perspective

=--=

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's

crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the

sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief,

doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with

eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a

crib like that for only $46.50!"

Two Brothers

=--=

There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to

keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple,

and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.

One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could

the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also

spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity,

the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising

campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother

sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check

for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for

the rabbi to see.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my

brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words."

After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He

cashed it immediately. At the funeral the next day, however, the

rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead

brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he

commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased.

After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and

shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his

brother, he was a mensch."

=--=

Random Funny Facts

* Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used

once, on

the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.

* Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They were even

in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the fraternity house walls with

drawings of his strange characters.

* The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati wore a

band-aid in every episode. Either on himself, his glasses, or his clothing.

* John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show"

was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

* Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of the

Flies", and this is where the book's title comes from.

* The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic church.

When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's advocate is always

appointed to give an alternative view.

* Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago

than anyone else, except The Catholic Church.

* It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King

James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the

first word is 'shake' and the 46th word from the last word is 'spear'.

* In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series to be a

designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H."

* In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball, Basketball,

Football, and Hockey), there are only seven teams whose nicknames do not end

with an "S:" Basketball: The Miami Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic.

Baseball: The Boston Red Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The Colorado

valanche, The Tampa Bay Lightning. Football: None.

* In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man

on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after

Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only,

home run.

* When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to

a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state's third largest

city.

* Kermit the Frog is left-handed.

* The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.

* Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

* The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".

* If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating

to the top and sinking to the bottom.

Our Town Is So Small...

=--=

our city limits signs are both on the same post!

the City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell

the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch

the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2

the one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions

the phone book has only one page

there's nothing doing every minute

the ZIP code was a fraction

Second Street is in the next town over

there's no place to go that you shouldn't

a "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes

the mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog

the New Year's baby was born in October

_____________________________________________________________

Anita wrote me about her friend's mother who'd called and

asked to be picked up from the mall. The mother had forgotten

where she'd parked the car and had walked around the parking

lot until she was nearly frozen. The friend went out, picked up

her mom, and then noticed what mom had bought: "Ginko --

To Improve Memory".

Greg told me about a group of them out on a drive. One of the

ladies in the car, Rosa, had a heavy hispanic accent. "As we

drove thru the industrial area, Rosa said, 'Hey, that's where

they make the Huge Measles!' We all looked at each other,

confused, for a moment before we realized we were going past

the 'Hughes Missle' plant."

Denise was in court once, listening to the cases before hers.

"This one lady was telling the judge how her husband was

abusive to her on several occasions and how fearful she was for

her life. She was seeking a restraining order. The judge

granted the order. The bailiff asked if she needed an escort to

her car, since her husband was in the courtroom with her. She

said, 'No, he's my ride home.'"

Nici's friend was trying to fix a blocked pipe under the sink.

"He'd disconnected the pipe and put a bucket under the basin

to catch all of the water. While he was working, he realized

the bucket was getting full so he took the bucket and, yep,

emptied back in the sink again . . . "

Steve's HR director sent out a note while back telling them that

the Quarterly Management meetings would now be held every

six months.

Frederick was discussing medical operations at work and said

the phrase "general anesthesia". Judi, within earshot, turned

and asked, "Was that the guy down in Panama?"

A Quote

=--=

"The other thing we have to do is to take seriously the role in this

problem of. . .older men who prey on underage women. . .There are consequences

to decisions and. . .one way or another, people always wind up being held

accountable."

-Bill Clinton, June 13, 1996, in a speech endorsing a national effort

against teen pregnancy (As quoted in U.S. News and World Report)

Microsoft Patent

=--=

REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but

necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and

exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented

the numbers one and zero Monday.

With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing

or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical

building blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a

royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.

"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes

ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years,

in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we

permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric

systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the

increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave

us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our

numerals."

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple

Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will

challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-

competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would

bankrupt them instantly.

"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to

create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at

its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun

Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the

Java programming environment used in many Internet applications.

"The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be

approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but

to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I

have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain

competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off

vinyl LPs."

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have

begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer

Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus

for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and

networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is

working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-

transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a

revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground,

maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of

Microsoft.

"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they

are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical

archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly

showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also

own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he

explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by

Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr,

or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg,

Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul

Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft

will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone

else that we own the rights to these numbers."

Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest

man in the world."

According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting

of one and zero have yet to be realized.

"Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and

zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all

mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry,

pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of

motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence,"

Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund

Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."

Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which

Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and

transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to

file liens on infinity and pi this week.

Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to

individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted

motions as walking, stretching and smiling.

In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe

Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest

move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.

"Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and

zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make

the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's

richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one.

And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the

zeroes."

Dealing with Death

=--=

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for

some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's

husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for

dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of

the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

_____________________________________________________________

• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

• How is it possible to have a civil war?

• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the

bread.

• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

• Don’t sweat petty things – or pet sweaty things.

• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

• About half the people you know are below average.

• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don’t have any

film.

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• A shin is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

• How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

• All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.

• Few things in life are more embarrassing than spitting out of a car

window when it isn’t open.

• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?

• Does a born-again Christian have two bellybuttons?

• If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2?

• If you ate pasta, and then ate antipasto, would you still be hungry?

• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink

and drive?

• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

• A day without sunshine is like, night.

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be

misquoted, then used against you.

• I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

• Honk if you love peace and quiet.

• Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.

• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

• Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the

wrong way.

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

• He who hesitates is probably right.

• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

• No one is listening until you make a mistake.

• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to

reach it.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

• Two wrongs are only the beginning.

• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

before.

• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

• A fool and his money are soon partying.

• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

• Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!

• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

• Get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!

• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

• Everybody repeat after me.....We are all individuals.

• Death to all fanatics!

• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

• Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of

parachutes?

• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited

there?

• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? • If

7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there

locks on the doors?

• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to

the pan?

• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a

height, what would happen?

• If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you

turn on the headlights?

• You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol

if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a

shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn

down the volume on the radio?

Getting in

=--=

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop

souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let’s watch the registration table

to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam

our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus

MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput

to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of

registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic

events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and

roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada.

Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration

materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration

table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration

materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy

yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan -

OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he

doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barb wire under his arm. He walks up the

registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

Get Your Money's Worth

=--=

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 & found that he owed $3407.

He packaged up his payment & included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached

article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the

Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet

seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value

$1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of

$22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my

return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch

screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head

Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to

paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and

"screwdrivers."

Sincerely,

I. Gettook Everyear

Parroting the Decorator

=--=

A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot. But the

only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?"

She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color clashes

with the living room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come

by shortly.

When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door,

and the parrot says "who is it?"

The man says, "It's the decorator."

The parrot says "who is it?"

The man says "It’s the decorator."

The parrot says "Who is it?"

The man says "It's the decorator!!!"

The parrot says "who is it?"

The man screams "The decorator!"

The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot.

The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch. She says,

"Oh my gosh...who is it?"

The parrot replies, "It's the decorator!"

Question: How do you get a University of Maine graduate to get off your porch?

Answer : You pay for the pizza!!

_____________________________________________________________

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year

later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest

says "If it wasn't for my Rosary and two martinis a day, I'd be

lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?"

"Yes."

"Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

~~~~~~

A Priest at a Church picnic was staring at a member of his

parish wearing the tiniest of bikinis. A Nun walked over and

said, "Shame on you Father, staring at that woman like that!"

The Priest replied, "Sister Mary Elizabeth, I know you to be on

a diet, and yet I saw you ogling the buffet."

Ghandi

=--=

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet

became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and

became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.

Therefore: he came to be known as a...

"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Lawyers

=--=

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:

Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

GOSSIP:

A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

The Root of All Evil!

=--=

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score

below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the

average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were

unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as

typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of

eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given

only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items

such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90

percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being

taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey

bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind

of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between

significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

North vs. South

=--=

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes

The South has 'mater samiches

The North has coffeehouses

The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services

The South has family reunions

The North has switchblade knives

The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names

The South has double first names

The North has Ted Kennedy

The South has Jesse Helms

The North has an ambulance,

The South has an amalance

The North has the Mafia,

The South has NASCAR

The North has Indy car races

The South has Swamp Buggy races

The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal

The South has grits

The North has green salads

The South has collard greens and chitlins

The North has lobsters

The South has crawdads

The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores

The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners

The North has the rust belt

The South has the Bible Belt

The North has Dan Quayle

The South has Bill Clinton

_____________________________________________________________

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when

all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me

beck the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over

again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da

party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove

it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big,

strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your

telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago.

But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the

telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes

to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello,

Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I

told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"

~~~~~~

Advice for office managers: if you keep the sexual harassment

complaint forms in the bottom crawer, then when a woman

get one out you'll get a great view of her butt.

~~~~~~

Ray here. Like the American Dairy Association needs additional

advertising from me. I saw the neatest commercial the other

day on TV. The picture was the moon in the night sky. The

caption underneath it said, "For thousands of years, people

thought the moon was made of cheese.". Next caption: "25

years ago man landed on the moon and found it was made of

rocks." Final caption: "We've not been back since." Behold

the power of Cheese.

~~~~~~

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left

them

to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody

appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to

others.

Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to

criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Hey...have you heard

=--=

...CCA Prison Realty Trust is buying Corrections Corp.

of America in a $3.17 billion deal that will create the world's largest

penitentiary business. The merged entity will market its product under

the more user-friendly name, "Motel 6-to-Life."

...Patrizia Martinelli, ex-wife of fashion heir Maurizio Gucci, was

convicted of ordering her husband's murder and was sentenced to

29 years in prison. Most agree this is a tremendous price for a Gucci

knockoff.

...McDonald's has a new series of TV commercials aimed at kids as young

as 2 years old. This explains their new sandwich, the McNipple.

...Sean Connery, now 68 years of age, is about to star in yet another

James Bond thriller. This time he will match wits with the evil proctologist,

'Coldfinger'.

...The PBS children's show "Sesame Street" is under fire for accepting

corporate sponsorship for the first time. In fact, some of the most

vocal critics are the shows own stars, Kermit the Budweiser Frog,

and Vlasic Pickle Me Elmo.

Financial Worries

=--=

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an

accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very

nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly,

I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for

me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have

to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the

money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a

small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer,

whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage

rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices,

he sent his apprentice to the store to buy more.

Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized

that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to

tell the shopkeeper that . . . it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter

for wurst.

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On a Clinton note, I suggest that his post-presidency job should be

manufacturing oilcloth raincoats on Martha's Vineyard. He could market them

as "Slicker Willies"

_____________________________________________________________

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he

called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is

it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,

why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer

was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and

it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the

lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,

tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before

you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,

"One less lawyer . . ."

~~~~~~

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS

SERIOUS!

If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal

Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a

scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you

owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the

operation of essential functions of the United States

government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used

to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering

projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit

called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take

money from your regular paychecks and save it for your

retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the

same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps

mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working

Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!

How to build an Airplane

=--=

Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical

engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went

to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take

long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer

in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.

His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called

Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of

Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter

for his country. You have our approval -- go out and design him the best

jet fighter ever made."

Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The

entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet

fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they

held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings

couldn't take the strain -- they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The

test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.) Bernie was devastated; his

company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the

next test flight -- the wings broke off again.

Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray... to ask

God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally

asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to

the rabbi.

After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm

on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your

problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and

below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely

guarantee the wings won't fall off."

Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice... but the more

he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe

the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi

told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a

row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage.

And... it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!

Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his

advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it

would."

"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the

wings from falling off?"

"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many

years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those

years, not once -- NOT ONCE -- has the matzoh broken on the perforation!"

Pig!

=--=

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She

charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and

fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call

Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no

fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon,

Mrs. Johnson."

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol

bottles, such as:

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you

think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor

in dancing like a jerk.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to

tell the same boring story over and over again

until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to

thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to

believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you

to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you

wondering what happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to

roll over in the morning and see something really

scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading

cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the

illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter

than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to

believe you are invisible.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to

think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx

in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and

sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally

disappear".

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually

CAUSE pregnancy.

What happened to the musician that robbed the bank?

He made off with the lute

_____________________________________________________________

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the

word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says,

"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the

autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

~~~~~~

In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John

Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to

Americans:

1. They speak English.

2. When they host a "world championship" they invite other

countries.

3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down

on one knee.

~~~~~~

Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:

=--=

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with

pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely

lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your

split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open

graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose

petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a

delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the

bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into

a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster

fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in

every orifice.

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

The Laziest

=--=

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to

trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he

announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

Similarities between Santa Claus and System Administrators:

=--=

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what

you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he

says, "Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all

the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

If you're going down the street and suddenly a mirage of a fence appears in your path,

what is it you're seeing? An obstacle illusion

_____________________________________________________________

The wealthy wife of a very successful Jewish businessman

went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait,

a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted:

"You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put

them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my

arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all

stay....BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big

diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck

you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"

The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should

want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but

adorn herself with the phony jewelry.

She replied: "When I die my husband will re-marry. The new

wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels".

~~~~~~

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his

rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket,

he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some

popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but

comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was

only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really

going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Diet Rules for Cheaters

=--=

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar

are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more

than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate,

brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots,

Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of

the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal

Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber,

protein, and other nutritional ingredients.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the

process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making

a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples

are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food

color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat.

Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

Bad News

=--=

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with

his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out

of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After

about a week of no news the business man received a telegram:

"The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up

yesterday..."

Final Request

=--=

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order.

She prepared her will and made her final arraignments.

As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to

talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.

She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she

wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes

scattered over Bloomindales.

"Bloomindales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomindales?"

"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."

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Why do fugitives leaving the country always go to Canada?

Because it is the only place they have Toronto. (To run to)

____________________________________________

Happy Weekend to you! I hope life is treating you good and

you're ready to spend a few moments reading about those folks

who shouldn't be let out without a keeper . . .

Sue told me her husband isn't the most technical person in the

world. (He MUST have an AOL account, right, Susan?) He

was shopping at the grocery store the other day and tried to

pay for his purchase with his ATM. After swiping it several

times he told the cashier that he didn't think it was working.

The cashier told him that she didn't think anyone had ever been

able to get their *driver's license* to work in the machine.

Shannon tells about her boyfriend's aunt. Boyfriend's sister

had come home earlier than normal from a basketball game

and the aunt asked, "Why? Did the game get rained out?"

Rachel is changing her name to Judi. She'd just gotten a

vacuum cleaner and was trying to figure out why it had head-

lights on it. She said she seriously suggested, "maybe it's if

the electricity goes off you can still see where to vacuum."

Corey said the other morning at the McDonald's drive thru the

Judi asked if he'd like the 2 for 1 apple pie special. I told her

yes and then she said, "I'm sorry, we're all out of apple pies."

(There's a reason they work there, Corey . . . )

Cici's friend was in a car accident and they were on the way,

with Judi, to the hospital. Someone mentioned a type of

operation their friend was to have, and someone else in the car

said, "Even a trained monkey could do it." Judi, wide-eyed,

asked, "You mean they really train *monkeys* to do that kind

of stuff?"

Klatt was telling me about growing up in NYC, working at a

local fruitstand. An elderly woman came up to the stand

asking if we had any "dates". My friend and working partner

told her that we didn't have any "dates". She then asked if we

had "nuts". My friend said, "Ma'am, if we had 'nuts' then we've

have 'dates'."

While I'm thinking about it, this one happened to me. My

daughter (Spud, as you may remember) wanted this movie

called "The Phantom Tollbooth". We finally found it at Holly-

wood video. I took it to the clerk and asked if they had a copy

to buy. They said they didn't and that was the only copy they

had. I said, "So, how much trouble would I be in if this 'doesn't

come back'." The clerk's eyes got real big and he said, "Oh,

man, you'd be in LOTS of trouble." I said, "look, just tell me

how much the movie is in case it's 'damaged' or 'lost'." He

clicked a few keys on the computer and said (very *gravely*),

"$20." I informed him that the movie was indeed NOT coming

back -- clear the shelf now. I pulled out my wallet to hand him

$20. He had to call the manager. Told the manager that I was

going to "steal" the movie. I explained it all to the manager,

she checked the computer to find out when it had last been

rented. Turns out *Spud* was the last person to rent it -- 2

years prior. She decided it'd be ok to sell it to me. Again,

back to the computer. I handed her my $20 and she said,

"That'll be $10." What??? You just said $20??? "Well, yeah,

if it was a new movie -- but it's used." Dear God . . .

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough.

It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A

death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old

age

home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold

watch,

you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to

enjoy

your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for

high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play,

you

have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into

the

womb, you spend your last nine months floating... then finish off as

an

orgasm.

CALLING TECHNICAL SUPPORT (long but good)

Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are

currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you,

so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time

is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.

In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit product

identification number on to your telephone, followed by your

product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment

inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed

in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen.

Please note that you made need a zize 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which

may only be available from your original equipment manufaturer.

Do that NOW!

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend

that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some

point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer

manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the

technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to

your call.

If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful customer --

and threw away your original packing materials, please call the

company that sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the

empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted

paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in

line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered.

(yeah right !)

...

It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while

explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats

will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from

further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours

but that of every other electronics-related firm in the

industrialized world. (we all talk you know)

...

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support.

In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful

to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical

Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your

telephone touch pad.

If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the

letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase:

"I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."

Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements

to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes

your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it

anyway.

...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our

technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated

waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two

hours.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the

technician

about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting

his

valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:

1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to

plug

in my computer?

2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing

the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?

3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?

4. Have I consulted my manual?

5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?

6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but

who

can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?

6. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good,

solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,

please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians

can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much

greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to

call

technical support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff.

...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware

that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular

CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling

Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the

Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles

read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now.

This will not cause you to lose your place in line for

Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several

other callers.

...

Thank you for calling Technical Support.

Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have

lost your place in line. Please push "one" if you would like to be

connected again to technical Support

1

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors

indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive

frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of

food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your

telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer

so as not to wear down its internal battery.

As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical

Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of

registered product users.

Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your

needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact

us should any further technical problems arise.

____________________________________________

Judi and Gayle were walking down the street. Judi noticed a

compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She

opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person

looks familiar."

Gayle said, "Let me look." So Judi handed her the compact.

Gayle looked in the mirror then turned to Judi. "You dumbass

-- that's

~~~~~~

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total

loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about

the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

____________________________________________

Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come

home from work at the same time and get on the elevator.

The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: "

OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and

touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like

semen."

The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers,

smells it, and says "It smells like semen."

Judi, the blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers

and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says,

"It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . ."

~~~~~~

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye

when they leave the house?

Of these same men 90% will kiss their house good-bye when

their wife leaves.

____________________________________________

Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to

the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really

expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force

him, but he ate it!

~~~~~

I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle

got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard. He forgot to

pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house

and knocked up my aunt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why Men Can't Win

=--=

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt

and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.

If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If Men Planned Weddings...

=--=

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops.

They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have

matching team colors.

June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs. Vows would

mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others"

part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some

other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car.

Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would

get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".

There would be "Tailgate Receptions".

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between

innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long. Ceremonies and

honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party.

The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine

colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at

the local lounge.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or

buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that

the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding

(what's the difference) or something.

Invitations would read as follow... Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old

ball and chain... He's getting married. He either:

A) knocked her up

B) couldn't get a different roommate or

C) caved in to her ultimatum.

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his

life at Soldier Field Stadium on the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during

Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for

Beer, Nachos and Pizza.

Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.

Perfect?

=--=

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a

perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together

was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect

couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding

road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being

the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to

disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple

loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving

along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions

deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first

place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such

thing as a perfect man.

Women, end e-mail here. Men, keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman

must have been driving.

This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this

brings another point: women never listen either.

Clinton Shorts........

What's Slick Willie's new nickname?

President-erect.

What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?

Unibanger.

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill

Clinton?

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton

doesn't

know the difference.

What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a Hoover vacuum?

Where the Dirt Bag attaches.

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling

contest which one would win?

Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?

We know how many went down on the Titanic.

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a greedy politician?

Chelsea!

What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?

His faces.

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at

Bill during his morning jog.

Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

Following a successful rally, the evangelist was relaxing in his

trailer, when there was a knock at the door. "Come in." he

said. A young maiden, truly beautiful, threw herself at his feet

and said, "Reverend, I have nothing to give but my body."

The preacher looked skyward, "Lord, deliver me from

temptation."

~~~~~

The Dog

=--=

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially

the horse) to

serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for

the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or

might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog

healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

A Blonde Kidnapper

=--=

A Blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to

kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid,

took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying,

"I've kidnapped your kid.

Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag

and put it under the pecan tree next to the

slide on the north side of the playground.

Signed, A Blonde".

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt

and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Blonde checked,

and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting

beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000

with a note that said,

"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

The Blonde & the Coke Machine

=--=

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she

arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed

a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter

by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in

the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke

Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a

moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been

waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are

you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."